A Shining Indiscretion
by christinaking
Summary: Between truth and lies, between commitment and infidelity, lays a wasteland of devastation and only the tiniest sliver of hope. (Demily)
1. Chapter 1

_Author's Note: I'm totally crazy, but I'm going to work on two stories at once. For those reading Half the Sky, don't worry...the next chapter is almost done. But someone requested a Demily story with a different twist and this is where I went with those initial ideas. (Thanks, I think, wineplease78...haha). Requirements: Emily's getting married (to someone else) and lots of Demily sex. I'm taking this one someplace a little darker. It's not a pretty love story at all, but it's still a love story. Enjoy...I hope! _

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><p>October 2014<p>

Emily Prentiss sat at her desk at Interpol and stared at the ring on her finger as she addressed the simple wedding invitations she and Brian had made on the computer the day before. She'd been seeing Brian for about seven months, though they'd been friends for much longer. Brian was a professor at Oxford. He was mellow, kind and predictable; he was the last person Emily thought she'd be marrying if she ever married anyone at all. But he'd taken her out two nights before, the last Saturday in October, and asked her to marry him, and the "yes" had fallen from her lips easily.

They were both in their mid-forties, both had lived relatively lonely, career-driven lives. He didn't fully comprehend her career choice, but he respected it. He was okay with the long hours and the time away. They were both just wanting to someone to come home to, and he was comfortable with that being only three or four nights a week in Emily's case.

She loved him. She did. It wasn't passionate and it wasn't what she'd pictured for herself when she was younger, but she was getting older. She hadn't had time in the past decade to even contemplate adjusting her ideals. She'd been happy with Brian for months; he asked, with a grin and a hopeful twinkle in his blue eyes, and she said yes.

When she looked at the ring on her finger, she smiled, and to her, that spoke volumes. It was happiness, just a different sort of happiness, a mellower kind. But she was well into her forties now, and mellow sounded pretty good.

Emily picked up her phone, took a picture of the ring on her finger, and sent it off to JJ with a simple, "Guess what?"

JJ was the only member of the BAU she talked with regularly; Garcia a close second. Spencer would write her sometimes, old-fashioned letters, when a case was difficult for him or he was struggling, and she'd write him back. She communicated with Hotch and Rossi via short texts now and then. And Morgan...well, their communication was similar to hers and Spencer's, except done via email.

JJ's response was fast. "OMG! Congrats! I'm so happy for you! When?"

Emily smiled and wrote back, "December 27th. Mailing out invites today, but I know it's likely you guys can't come. I totally understand. It's last minute and it's going to be small. Brian's parents will be here for Christmas, so we're just going to do it then, in a facility at Oxford."

"I'll talk to Hotch. We should be there. Definitely! Morgan has a new address. He and Savannah moved into one of his renovated houses, so mail his invite there."

Emily's heartbeat picked up a bit at that news and the address JJ sent a few seconds later. Emily had been in that house briefly, the previous February, when she'd flown to help find JJ. Derek was proud of his latest project, and she was his friend. When he'd taken her to the airport that evening the past February, they'd chatted, he told her about Savannah, they'd swung by the house and he'd shown her the place.

She was happy for Derek, but surprised. She never really saw Derek Morgan settling down.

Emily shook her head from those thoughts. "Got it, thanks!" she wrote back to JJ. "Look for the invitations in the mail."

Emily's hands were shaking slightly when she wrote _Derek Morgan_ on the envelope, followed by his new address. She sighed and put her chin in her hand, looking off in the distance out her office window, allowing herself to think about something she hadn't let herself think about in over two years.

_June 2012_

_The second Sunday in June, Emily finished cleaning out her apartment. Her boxes were shipped and everything sold. She packed up Sergio in a cat carrier and brought him to Garcia's. She didn't stay long because she was feeling uncertain and sad. Besides, they were all planning to go out the next night, her last night in DC. She kissed Sergio goodbye, handed him to Garcia, and made a hasty retreat, saying she needed to check into her hotel. _

_The plan on Monday was to turn in her badge, clean out her desk, then they were all going to go out to dinner. She had a ticket on the 9:00am flight to London on Tuesday morning. _

_But it was the BAU, and things didn't go as planned. She turned in her badge and official resignation. She signed the paperwork. She kept her tears in check. But in the middle of all of that, JJ blew into Hotch's office with a local kidnapping case in Virginia that they were being called in to help with. Hotch looked at Emily and held out her badge to her and asked her if she wanted to come, but she shook her head. Emily pushed her badge back towards him gently with a smile. "No," she said. "I need to clean things up here." _

_He nodded, and it was with hasty hugs that she said goodbye to her friends at the BAU, besides Garcia. They said they'd keep her posted and if they got done, maybe they could still make dinner happen. Emily nodded and told them to go. She still held back her tears. She packed up her desk and then wandered into Garcia's office. She stayed to try and help on that end for awhile, but it was too much and too emotional. When she felt like she was on the verge of falling apart, she stood up, gave Garcia a hug goodbye, told her she'd see her in July since Garcia had already planned that trip, and left headquarters. _

_Once she'd checked herself into her hotel room in DC, she allowed herself some tears. She didn't really know what the hell she was doing, only that it felt like the right move. A step up, a different atmosphere. She wanted to give it a try. _

_She cried herself out and napped, then showered and put on pajamas. She ordered room service at eight o'clock, when the dinner plans with the BAU seemed completely out of the question. At nine-o'clock, she washed her face again and brushed her teeth and sat in the bed, aimlessly flipping through the channels. At ten o'clock, there was a light knock on her hotel room door. _

_She went to open it a crack, expecting JJ, or maybe Garcia, who had come to give a final goodbye. Instead who she saw was Derek Morgan, holding a bottle of wine with a smile on his face. "I had to say goodbye properly," was all he said. _

_Emily grinned and let him into the hotel room. There was a friendly ease with him that she enjoyed. They drank the wine and reminisced. They didn't talk about her leaving, both wanting to keep the mood light. They laughed a lot, both of them sitting in chairs around the small table in Emily's hotel room. It wasn't uncomfortable having him there with her only in her pajamas. After years of cases and hotel rooms, there wasn't a whole lot that would make her uncomfortable around him. They'd both seen each other at their best, and their worst. _

_After the wine was finished, Morgan stood up like he was getting ready to leave, and Emily felt disappointed. She was enjoying the nostalgia and wasn't ready for this final goodbye to be over yet. "Hey Morgan," she said with a smirk, "Have you ever thrown caution to the wind and raided the mini bar in a hotel?" _

_He grinned at her, "No, actually. Have you?" _

"_Nope," she said, returning his grin. _

"_I'm game," he laughed. _

_And they went for it. They got pretty drunk. Not so much that they didn't know which end was up, but enough to be comfortable enough to find themselves laying on the hotel bed, laughing at some of the funnier shared experiences they'd had over the years. _

_Drunk enough that when they both reached for the container of peanuts, the last bit of food from the mini-fridge that sat between them on the bed, they'd cracked up and wrestled for the can. And it was only then, when she met his eyes as he was sobering from his laugh and on top of her, reaching for the can that she was holding up above her head, that they shared a moment of seriousness. _

_She could feel him them, pressed against her, and years of curiosity and occasional bantering and flirting came bubbling to the surface, ridden on a wave of wine, vodka and various other small bottles of alcohol. Emily could see it in his eyes that he was thinking the same thing. _

_But it was a bad idea. She wasn't so drunk that she didn't realize that. She never, ever did this when she was drunk anyway, so even if it was an okay idea, she had an internal mechanism that told her to stop. She gave him a friendly grin and moved her arms to hand him the can of peanuts. "You win," she said. _

_Derek didn't move. He just kept looking her in the eyes. His question was a short seven words. "What do we have to lose now?" _

_And then his lips were on hers and her first thought was "Stop!" but the second his tongue reached out and grazed across her bottom lip, her mouth opened on its own. He was right. There was nothing to lose here. They'd never have to work with each other again. _She would be thousands of miles away by this time tomorrow. __

_The can of peanuts tumbled from her hand and she wrapped her arms around his neck, meeting his passionate kiss that was better than anything she'd ever imagined when she thought about Derek Morgan, and she had allowed herself to think about it on occasion. His question he'd asked a few seconds before lead her to believe he'd thought about it a bit as well. _

"_It's just fucking," she told herself, as his kiss never let up and she felt like she was going to pass out from lack of oxygen, as his hands slid confidently under her t-shirt and grazed the sides of her breasts. He shifted his hips at the moment and it was in those several beats of a second, when he pulled his mouth away from hers and looked in her eyes that she knew she could put a halt to this with no awkwardness. Instead, she wrapped her legs around him more firmly and urged him to keep going. _

_And then his mouth was on hers again, only breaking contact for the brief second it took for him to tug her shirt over her head. _

_There were no declarations of love, no declarations of how amazing or beautiful the other was. Nothing that could hold either of them to that moment come the next day. He knew she was leaving; she knew she would get on that plane. She wasn't even sure she could ever really love a man like Derek Morgan. She loved him as a friend, and she trusted him, but there was an edge to him that bordered on an ego she didn't think she could ever feel totally comfortable with. This was purely a sexual curiosity, she told herself over and over as his lips moved to her neck and down her body, teeth and tongue first exploring her right breast before moving onto her left. _

_They both just let themselves live in that moment. _

_She tugged his shirt up and off him and they kissed again. She was aware of the light moans and sighs escaping from her, of what his skin and muscles felt like under her hands, of how warm he was, how he managed a balance between soft and hard at the same time that she didn't even thing could be real. She couldn't really keep track of time because her head was cloudy and her heart was pounding. She didn't know for certain if he spent an eternity kissing her breasts and stomach or just seconds, but recalled the moment when she felt his hands on the waistband of her pajama pants and underwear, and she remembered giving no second thought to lifting her hips and allowing him to pull those garments off. _

_He did look at her then. He stood at the side of the bed and took in her body, and she didn't let herself linger on his eyes; not sure she wanted to see what was there. Instead, she looked at his hands on his belt buckle and raised an eyebrow, and she remembered him laughing lightly and undoing the belt and then undoing the button and zipper on his pants and removing both pants and briefs quickly. He stood before her for just a few seconds and she couldn't even absorb it all; how amazing he looked, how perfect, how fucking huge he was. _

_Before she could comprehend her feelings upon finally seeing him naked or any doubts she was having in that moment, he was back on top of her and kissing her. She could feel him pressing against her and the room was spinning, from the alcohol and the feelings that were there under the surface that she didn't understand and she was just sober enough to keep locked down._

_She remembered feeling a sense of wildness she'd never known before; no caution and no hesitation. She wriggled her body and adjusted her hips and she could feel him right there at her entrance. "Do I need…" he attempted to ask. But she shook her head and used her heels on the back of his thighs to push him forward. She was more than ready. And if she was only going to experience this once, she was going to experience all of it. _

_There was a blinding flash of pain, because of his size and how long it had been for her, but it was brief and it gave way to ecstasy a second later. She ripped her lips away from his and and a sound escaped her mouth that she'd never heard before. His lips were on her neck and he was moving inside her and she didn't know if it was his size, or because he knew so well what he was doing, or, and she did let this thought flit across her mind - maybe it was because it was just him - but it was only a few thrusts later when when she felt herself tightening around him and a loud moan tumbled out of her mouth, and she started shaking. _

_He looked at her then, and his look was shock and awe, and then he closed his eyes and started moving again. She didn't know what it meant to be multi-orgasmic, or to feel this free. Her second orgasm came shortly after the first, and after she'd stopped quaking around him, he pulled out of her and put a hand on her hip, urging her to turn over. She did, not even caring anymore about anything except how good it felt. _

_She was on her knees and Derek was bent over her, his hands on her breasts and slamming into her when her third orgasm rolled through her and she shouted a loud, breathy, "Fuck." His hands were on her waist then, urging her to an upright position, and she let him move her. They were both on their knees sitting up, her legs on either side of his. His breath and lips were on her neck and back, and one hand was on her breast while the other trailed between her legs. She wrapped one arm behind his neck and just tried to hang on, because she honestly didn't know at that point how she was still even conscious. _

_Her fourth and final orgasm that night was longer and louder than the others and Derek followed right behind her. They were both loud. She remembered that. Their skin was slick with a fine sheen of sweat and they were swearing and moaning and she was screaming. She remembered hearing a bang coming from the other side of the wall and a muffled shout of, "Shut the fuck up!" _

_And as they collapsed on the bed, she remembered Derek wrapping his arm around her and laughing quietly against her back. "Wow," was all he said. _

"_Exactly," she whispered back. Then they both laughed and fell asleep. _

_The next morning he was up early to get ready for work, and she needed to get ready for her flight. He kissed her briefly on the forehead, said he'd miss her, said to have a safe flight and he'd talk to her soon, and was out the door, solidifying for her that it was just what she thought it was, and all it could be; it was just sex. She guzzled water on her flight to help with the headache she had, and when the pain of that went away, she let the whole experience the night before go. _

Emily was torn from her thoughts when there was a brief knock on her office door. Her administrative assistant poked her head in. "Ma'am, they're waiting for you in the conference room."

Emily cleared her throat and nodded. She hastily grabbed the envelope and shook her head. It was one night, well in the past, that they'd never spoken of again. They were drunk, there was a sense of finality about it, a first and only time type of thing. She really shouldn't be thinking about it now. Heaving a rather loud sigh she wrote, "and Savannah Hayes," after Derek's name on the envelope. She sealed it and handed the small stack of envelopes to her assistant. "Please see that these get in the mail today."


	2. Chapter 2

_A/N - I'm completely obsessed with this story now. Next chapter of Half the Sky coming by tomorrow morning at the latest! I knew two stories at once was a bad idea...but it's turning out to be very good! :)_

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><p>June 2015<p>

Emily sat at the hotel bar in New York waiting for Hotch to show up. He'd brought up presenting together at this conference when he was in London for her wedding. The whole team had flown in on the jet for the wedding, much to Emily's surprise and delight. Spouses, girlfriends and children did not attend. It was just the team, and, for Emily, it felt like her family had come to see her on her happy day.

Brian enjoyed meeting the people Emily talked about frequently, and the small group who attended the ceremony and reception had a wonderful evening together. It was a lot like JJ's wedding in that they all danced together.

It was when Hotch was dancing with her that he'd said, "The State Department has asked me to present at a conference in June in New York for law enforcement. They want me to do a presentation on counter-terrorism and how to effectively work with various agencies in the United States and abroad. I was wondering if you wanted to co-present with me. I think it would have much more of an impact to have a representative from an agency abroad actually there," he'd said with a grin.

Emily smiled at him, "Sure. It would be nice to work together again, even just for a short conference. Send me the details."

At that point Morgan had cut in, and Emily felt her heartbeat pick up. She'd had one fleeting thought that she was glad Savannah hadn't come, but quickly banished it. Savannah there or Savannah not there shouldn't have mattered. But she held her body slightly away from Derek's, so he couldn't feel her racing heart. She didn't even know why it was racing. "You look beautiful and happy, and I'm happy for you," he'd told her quietly.

The team hadn't stayed long. They flew out the morning after the wedding, and her and Brian had spent a week in Paris, before returning to work and married life.

_Married life,_ Emily thought to herself as she sipped her martini in the bar in that hotel in New York, _is not quite what I thought it would be. _

Her thoughts were interrupted when a familiar but unexpected voice spoke from behind her, "Excuse me, is this seat taken?"

Emily turned in her bar stool, stunned. "Morgan? What are you doing here? Where's Hotch?"

Derek grinned and sat on the bar stool next to Emily. "Jack had appendicitis and needed to have emergency surgery. He's going to be fine, but Hotch didn't want to leave. He sent me in his place. He told me where he was supposed to meet you and I decided to surprise you instead of calling first."

"Oh," said Emily quietly, then she smiled. "Well, it's good to see you. Do you have any idea what we're going to be presenting tomorrow?"

Morgan laughed, "Not a fucking clue."

Emily joined in his laughter, missing his friendship more than she knew she did until that very moment. "Well, grab a drink and let's go find a quiet table in the lounge. I have our presentation on my laptop and we can go over it."

Their conversation that night was easy and friendly, which made Emily feel happy and relieved. They really hadn't spent a moment alone together except for an hour that February almost a year and a half ago. When he'd come to London with Garcia when she first moved there, he was either working or Garcia was always with them. It was nice to know they could go back to this friendly place given the fact that the last time they'd really spent any significant time alone was in that hotel room the night before she left for London three years before.

They went over their presentation that they would be delivering twice on Thursday, and once again on Friday morning. They talked very little about their personal lives, and split up to head to their hotel rooms early.

The next morning, at the breakfast buffet, Emily was getting herself a cup of coffee and looking for Derek when she automatically just poured him some in one of the paper cups, too. When she turned around, she saw him entering the reception area and smiled brightly, then contained herself. She was happy to see him, but she shouldn't be _that_ happy.

He grinned at her when she handed him his coffee and winked. "Just like old times," he said.

Emily nodded and then inclined her head, "We should go set up."

Their presentation was well-received that day, and after the first ten minutes they got into an easy flow with each other, exactly how they always were when delivering profiles. They improvised a lot, and sometimes they made impromptu remarks that made the audience laugh. In between their presentations, they attended other sessions at the conference together.

The following morning, Emily awoke early, almost sad that this would be ending today. She wasn't flying home until the next morning, but she wasn't sure when Morgan was leaving; she hadn't asked him. Emily put on her exercise clothes and rode the elevator up to the gym on the floor a few above hers, thinking about how it had only taken her about twenty-four hours with Morgan to feel like she'd never left for London at all. Their friendship was just that easy. She really didn't have that in London, even after being there for three years. If she was perfectly honest, she didn't even have that with Brian.

She shook her head when the elevator doors opened and banished that thought from her head. She should not be comparing Derek to Brian. She shouldn't even be thinking about them in the same sentence.

She looked up and found herself face to face with a very sweaty Derek Morgan, who had obviously just finished his workout.

"Still doing a thousand sit-ups a day?" she asked with a smirk.

Derek grinned, "You know it."

Emily laughed and stepped around him to head to the treadmill.

"Hey, Emily," Derek called.

She turned to look at him standing in the elevator, one hand holding the doors open.

"You bring any clothes with you besides suits and exercise gear?"

She raised her eyebrows at him, "Yes. Why?"

"It's supposed to be a gorgeous day today. What do you think about blowing off the conference after our presentation this morning and enjoying New York instead?"

_Bad idea, _her mind told her. But what came out of her mouth was, "Sure. That sounds great!"

Derek nodded and grinned at her and let the elevator doors close.

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><p>"So how's married life treating you?" asked Derek as they walked down a path in Central Park.<p>

Emily only hesitated for a second, "It's good."

Derek chuckled, "That sounds convincing."

Emily grinned. "It is good. It's just not quite what I expected. I expected my companionship with Brian to have more even footing, but it really doesn't. We're working on it."

"Even footing?"

"On the nights I'm home, we have dinner together and he talks about his classes and students and the papers he's writing. But he has a hard time listening to me talk about my job. He's a gentle person, which is something I love about him, but it doesn't translate well to me having someone I can vent to about the kind of work I do."

"I can relate to that," said Derek quietly.

"Life is similar living with Savannah?" asked Emily.

"She doesn't have a hard time listening to me talk about my cases; she has a hard time with me talking about the BAU at all. She enjoys JJ and Garcia's company, but hates my job. I thought living together would make things easier, and it has in some ways, but at least once a month we still argue about the amount of traveling I have to do." Derek said.

He stopped walking and sat on a bench. Emily sat next to him and Derek cleared his throat, "The bureau has offered me the position as head of the DC field office. It would be long hours, but no traveling. I think I'm going to take it."

Emily gingerly reached out and placed a friendly hand on his shoulder. "Because you want to, or because Savannah wants you to?"

Derek turned to look at her, "I'm not sure it matters. It feels like the best option."

Emily pulled her hand away and smiled at him, "Well, for what it's worth, I think you'll do an excellent job heading a field office."

They stopped talking about their relationships after that, and instead talked about their cases since they could easily do that with each other. They wandered through the Central Park Zoo and a few museums and processed and analyzed their jobs.

They ended up at a casual pub for dinner, drinking beer and gorging on huge pastrami sandwiches. At one point Emily caught Derek grinning at her. "What?" she asked when she finished chewing.

"Nothing. It's just I always enjoyed watching you pound good food without reservation."

Emily laughed and took another bite of her sandwich.

After dinner, they walked back to the hotel and rode the elevator up to their floor together.

"What time is your flight tomorrow?" asked Derek.

"Ten o'clock in the morning. What about you?" asked Emily.

Derek looked at his watch and then at her. "It left about an hour ago. My things are actually being held down in the lobby."

Emily felt butterflies instantly take up residence in her stomach and her breath hitched. "Won't you be missed when you don't show up at home tonight?"

Derek shook his head as he stepped out of the elevator with her. "No. Savannah's friend is getting married next weekend. A group of them took off for Vegas this morning for her bachelorette party."

"Oh," said Emily quietly. They reached her hotel room. Looking back on it, she knew what was going to happen the second he told her he'd skipped his flight home. But in that moment she tried to regain some balance and tell herself that neither of them were those kind of people, the type who lied and cheated. She wasn't that kind of person, she told herself firmly.

"Well, this is my room," she said, turning to look at him with her back against the door. "Thanks for a great day. I'm so glad we got to catch up. I've missed you."

She moved to give him a friendly hug, but before she could, Derek raised one of his arms and placed his hand against her hotel room door, right near her head. He leaned forward a bit and she felt his breath on her face as he whispered, "Hey, Prentiss. You ever raided a mini bar in a hotel room?"

Emily blushed and looked down, not able to meet his eyes. "We can't do this, Derek. I'm married. You're as good as married. It's so wrong and it will end badly. So many people could get hurt and…" she looked up and met his eyes, "Last time we didn't have anything to lose, and this time we could lose everything. This isn't who we are."

Derek stared at her and didn't shift his position. "You're right," he said quietly. But his words didn't match his actions, because his head tipped forward and his lips brushed gently against hers.

And she was instantly lost at just that gentle touch. She felt his hand take the room keycard from hers and reach behind her to put it in the slot. There was a click and he turned the door handle and backed her into the hotel room, not increasing the pressure on her lips, but not releasing her either.

_So wrong, so wrong, so wrong,_ was the mantra playing in her head, but she didn't stop him when he kicked the door closed and pushed her against the wall in her room. The pressure of his lips increased and his hands were on her hips, and her mouth opened of its own accord. And just like the last time, his tongue touched hers and she was flying and the world was tilting on its axis.

His hand moved to the buttons on her blouse and he released them slowly, one by one. She didn't stop him; she reached her hands under his shirt and reveled in the feel of his skin under her hands again. Each button he released was like a letting go, - of Brian, of Savannah, of their friends who would not approve of this at all. By the time her shirt was open and he reached his hands under the fabric and placed them on her ribs, it was just the two of them in that room, in that moment, with no thought of anyone else.

Emily felt his hands slide up, over her bra and to her shoulders, and push the fabric off. She moved her arms so her shirt fell to the floor and then reached for the hem of his shirt and pulled it up and off him. His hands went around her back and his lips moved to her neck as he unhooked her bra and pulled it down and off her. Then their arms were around each other and they were kissing again.

He shifted his legs and his thigh pressed between her legs against her and she gasped and ground herself into the pressure. Her hands moved to slide in between them and she undid the button on his jeans and was about to pull down the zipper when the phone in Derek's back pocket rang and she was snapped back into reality.

"Damn it," Derek hissed as he removed his phone from his pocket and showed her the screen that said "Hotch" before answering.

Emily, feeling torn, confused, and breathless, pushed against his chest as he answered his phone with a "What's up, Hotch?"

Derek shook his head at her and kept her lightly pinned to the wall with his body. Whatever reality she'd come back into, he wasn't having any part of it yet.

"No, I decided to stay for the dinner tonight and missed my flight. I was going to catch a later one, or the train," she heard him say.

She looked away from his face at her left hand where it rested on his chest, and guilt washed over her when she saw her wedding ring on her finger and how it looked on her hand as her hand lay against his skin.

"Are you kidding me?" asked Derek with a sigh. "Okay, okay. Let me get my things together here and I'll head over to the precinct. I'll be there in about an hour and get things started and see you guys when you arrive."

He disconnected his phone and reached around Emily to place it on the dresser near them. "Case in New York, ironically," he murmured before meeting her eyes.

She stared at him, part of her wanting to run away and part of her wanting to kiss him again, to get back to that place where she wasn't thinking.

"Do you want to stop?" he asked.

_Yes. _That was her first thought and what she should have said. "I...I don't know," was what she actually whispered. "What does this even mean?"

He didn't answer her, but she saw it in his eyes. It meant everything and nothing at the same time. He had maybe forty-five minutes before he had to leave for work, and tomorrow she'd be back on the other side of the Atlantic. He wasn't going to leave Savannah and she wasn't going to leave Brian so they could start some sort of relationship that would never work when they lived on different continents. But it still meant something to both of them, that they could connect like this. It was a need, a very wrong need and something they shouldn't want, but they did. That story played out in their eyes and then his lips were on hers again and she gave in. Too easily. She gave in too easily and he wanted this too easily.

They were behaving terribly. They were good people doing a very wrong thing, but they were on the same trajectory together again and they didn't stop.

Derek turned and pulled her with him, walking backwards to the bed. His hand undid the button on her pants and released her zipper, and she kicked her shoes off before he pulled her pants and underwear down and off her. His hands blazed a trail up her legs to her hips, but he didn't stand up. Instead he turned her and pushed on her gently so she sat on the edge of the bed and knelt between her legs.

She knew what was about to happen and braced herself for what it would feel like as his hands traveled down her legs and then back up again, placing her knees over his shoulders and pulling her to the edge of the bed. He moaned when his tongue first touched her and she bit her lip and then murmured, "Fuck."

He kissed her inner thigh and she could feel him smile against her skin and then his tongue was on her again and she didn't know what to do with the rest of her body. She tried staying upright, leaning back on her hands, but seeing his head between her legs made the room spin. She finally flopped backwards and closed her eyes and let herself be taken over by the sensations.

He would let her get right to the edge and then back off and move his tongue inside her. He did that over and over again and she didn't want him to stop, but she was slowly being driven into insanity and they just didn't have that much time. Finally she begged, "Please," and she reached for a pillow and pulled it over her mouth to muffle the screams that came out of her seconds later.

She laid there, catching her breath with the pillow over her face, not really believing any of what was going on. She felt him shift and move. The pillow was gently removed from her face and he was lifting her hips and shifting her backwards on the bed.

Derek kissed her then and she could taste herself on his lips and in his mouth, and then he pushed inside her and everything was spinning again. It was too much sensation and not enough at the same time; not enough because she knew it would soon be over and he would be gone. Her thighs felt heavy and she couldn't really move them, but it didn't matter. He moved them for her, using his strong arms to lift her legs higher around his waist. It wasn't long after that that she was tumbling over the edge again, but instead of a pillow, his mouth swallowed her screams and moans.

He linked his hands with hers after that, and a few seconds later, she felt him squeezing her fingers and moaning, his forehead pressed gently against hers as he did so.

She felt tears sting her eyes. They never said anything really, about their feelings or love, but if she stripped everything that had happened down to its basic skeleton, every part of the dance they just danced screamed love. And that brought her up short, and made her remember how wrong this all was.

Maybe he thought the same thing, or maybe he didn't. She couldn't be sure. A few moments later, when their breathing had slowed, he kissed her briefly and said he needed to rinse off in the shower and then go.

She nodded and he pulled away from her. She curled under the covers, her body still recovering from what had just occurred while her mind came back to itself. A fresh wave of guilt washed over her when the shower started, mixed with an insurmountable amount of confusion. How could anyone feel so wonderful and so terrible at the same time?

Derek's departure was not all that different than it was the last time he left her in a hotel room. He came to the bed, fully dressed. He kissed her lips instead of her forehead, but his words were identical. "Have a safe flight. I'll miss you. I'll talk to you soon."

But when he opened the door, he stopped and turned to face her again. "I'm not sorry about this," he whispered, before disappearing.

The next morning, instead of drinking water to wash away a hangover and convincing herself to forget about what happened, she drank alcohol on the entire flight home and tried to let that wash away her memories.

She took a cab home from the airport, and though it was only ten o'clock at night, she was grateful when she slightly stumbled her way into their flat and found Brian asleep in the bed. She washed her face and brushed her teeth and crawled in next to him. She felt his hand on her hip and he mumbled, "How was the conference?"

"Good," she responded. "I'm just exhausted."

* * *

><p>Emily spent Sunday trying to reinvest herself in her marriage. She spent the day with Brian, and by that night, she'd done a decent job of putting Derek Morgan in a box in her heart that she didn't let her mind or feelings access. She went back to work on Monday, and they picked up their regular routines.<p>

But the following Monday she received an email from the coordinator of the conference, addressed to both her and Morgan.

_We've tabulated the surveys of the conference attendees and your presentation received overwhelmingly positive reviews. By far the best presentation at the conference! We're wondering if you both might be interested in doing the same presentation in Los Angeles the first weekend in October. Please let us know as soon as possible._

Emily stared at that email for a good long while before standing up and attending a meeting with some of her staff. When she returned to her office an hour later, there was an email from Derek.

_I'm game if you are. _

Her heart thrummed and her stomach rolled and she flushed at the double meaning of those words. She didn't answer right away. Instead she went about the paperwork she needed to complete, and in between she thought.

Finally, at the end of the day, before she left for home, she responded to Derek.

_We're both complete assholes. I'll see you in October. _


	3. Chapter 3

_A/N - Fanfiction ruins songs for me. I always pick one that fits the mood of the story and put it on replay. This one is ruining one of my favorites in a deliciously good way. But I switched to the radio remix so the original was untainted. Damien Rice - Cannonball. Very fitting. This story is harder for me to write than any of my others for some reason and each chapter takes an excruciating number of hours. I think it's because affairs are awful and I'm thrusting my two favorite characters into such a horrid situation. But I still love it! _

* * *

><p>October 2015<p>

Emily didn't get on that plane to Los Angeles without doubts. She'd had dozens of them over the preceding few months. When she thought about seeing Derek again she alternated between feeling like a horrible person and a quivering, excited mess. And in the middle of all of that was her marriage, which actually felt more satisfying to her in a lot of ways because she wasn't expecting so much out of Brian anymore. Which was so incredibly wrong, but it was the truth; the truth on the wings of a huge lie.

She got through the summer and September the same way she used to get through horrific cases when she was with the BAU. She compartmentalized and shut down her thought process and feelings, only letting them rise to the surface when she was in a space to think about Derek and what they were doing.

By some unspoken agreement, both she and Derek did not communicate much over those months. She knew from JJ that Derek had left the BAU at the end of July, and she was looking forward to hearing about his new job. What direct communication they did have was facilitated through the conference coordinator.

_We'd like you to give your presentation three times. Would you prefer that all on one day or spread out over the weekend?_

Derek had responded with, _Emily has a much longer way to travel. I'll leave that up to her._

And Emily, with a racing heart, responded to that email with, _Go ahead and spread it out over the three days. I'm flying in Thursday evening and leaving Sunday evening._

Derek's response to them both was, _Works for me!_

She read between the lines of those few short sentences: This was up to her, and he was game for anything. What she couldn't figure out was why. She'd never met Savannah, but had heard about her from JJ and Garcia. He'd left the BAU and taken the job at the DC field office, so it boggled her mind that he seemed to be moving forward on a path that would improve his relationship with Savannah, while still so easily pursuing an affair with her.

That's what this was. An affair. And affairs ended badly and tore people apart, but she still got on the plane that first Thursday in October. It was terrible and wrong, and she couldn't wait to see him again.

She slept some towards the end of her flight, and when the announcement woke her that stated, "We're beginning our descent into Los Angeles. The current time is 6:40pm, and it's a clear night and currently 64 degrees…" Emily shifted herself in her window seat. She looked at the lights below her, thinking that one of them contained the lights of a hotel room where Derek was waiting for her. She smiled and discretely removed her wedding and engagement ring from her finger and placed them carefully in her purse, compartmentalizing and locking away that part of her life for the next few days.

She made her way through customs and was surprised when she saw him standing there, a suitcase by his side, a smile on his face and eyes just for her. Her heart flip flopped and every ounce of blood in her system rushed to form a pool in her lower stomach. She reached him on legs she couldn't even feel and he bent forward to give her a chaste hug. This was real now. Very wrong, and very real.

"My flight only landed an hour before yours so I stuck around and waited," he said softly when he released her.

The next words out of his mouth were the last thing she expected. "JJ, Rossi and Hotch are on their way."

She opened her eyes wide. "What?"

"Homeland Security was supposed to be giving the opening seminar tomorrow morning but couldn't at the last minute. They asked Hotch if some of them could come and talk about profiling instead. This just happened today. I didn't know myself until I landed and saw the text from Hotch. They'll be landing in a couple of hours and want to meet for drinks at the hotel tonight. They're only staying until tomorrow, flying out in the afternoon."

Emily reached in her purse. She'd turned on her phone when the plane landed but hadn't looked at it. There it was, a text from Hotch, and another from JJ. "So excited we get to see you!"

And she was selfish and fixated on the moment. She knew that. She didn't think about seeing her friends, she thought about what she might miss out on for one night, because they absolutely couldn't get caught going in or out of the the others hotel room.

"We're okay," he told her with a grin after taking in her face and reading her. "We're good, Emily. The hotel is going to be crawling with FBI agents this weekend, many of whom know me and some who know you. I requested connecting rooms for us a couple months ago."

She nodded, and the butterflies started knocking around in her stomach again. This was so bad. "Let's go get a cab," she said to him. Every part of her body was slightly shaking, a mixture of fear and anticipation.

* * *

><p>They entered their individual hotel room doors and stepped inside. Emily left her suitcase by the closet and took the few short steps to the connecting door. Taking a deep breath, she turned the lock and opened it and found Derek on the other side. She smiled shyly at him.<p>

Her first thought was that they should talk, but she just couldn't bring herself to get any words out. She wanted to ask him why he was doing this, but she wasn't sure she'd like the answer. And then he might ask her the same question, and she honestly didn't have an answer to give that didn't make her sound like a completely awful person. What could she possibly tell him? _My marriage has been better these past four months because I knew I had this to look forward to._ She couldn't even imagine actually saying those words out loud.

She definitely wanted this. She'd already crossed a huge hurdle getting there and knew what was waiting for her on the other end of her journey. Him. For the first time, she initiated things. She stepped forward into his room and put her arms around him, reaching up to kiss him, and that was all it took.

Their clothing flew off in a frenzy and their hands were everywhere. She tried to keep the upper hand for once, but she wasn't very successful. Before she could push him towards the bed, when they were both completely naked, he bent forward and captured her nipple in his mouth and she grabbed onto him and moaned.

Derek crossed a boundary then, something he hadn't done the last time they were together. He kissed his way back up her chest and neck and then looked her in the eye. "Is it this good at home?"

She couldn't even believe he was bringing this up. In her mind she flew there to live on a virtual island with him for a few days, where the rest of the world didn't exist. But his eyes on hers were intent and she could see he clearly wanted to know. And she did, too.

"No," she breathed out. "What about in your world?"

Derek leaned his forehead against hers. He had one hand on her breast, and the other arm wrapped tightly around her waist. He was breathing heavily and she could feel him hard, pressed against her stomach. He paused, seeming to search for words.

When they came, they were stronger and better and more frightening and confusing than any, "I love you."

"No," he sighed. "You understand and accept the whole me."

She pulled her head away from him so she could look in his eyes. "What are we even doing?" she implored quietly.

"This." He kissed her again. He pushed her against the wall and ran his hands down her sides and around to the back of her thighs. He lifted her like she weighed nothing and she wrapped her legs and arms around him. He gave her a lopsided grin and whispered, "Hang on, Emily."

He pushed inside her and she tilted her head back and stared at the ceiling, gasping. His mouth was on her neck and all she could feel was him, and all she could hear was the rush of blood in her ears and his words echoing in her mind. _Hang on, Emily._

* * *

><p>They were laying in the bed in Derek's hotel room, her head resting on his chest and his fingers drawing gentle patterns on her back, when his phone buzzed. He reached over to the bedside table and looked at the screen. "They just landed."<p>

Emily pushed herself to a sitting position. "I'm going to rinse off in the shower."

She felt his hand on her waist. "Are you okay?" he asked.

Emily turned her head to smile at him. "I am. I'm not sure I'm going to be able to actually walk, but I'm good."

Derek grinned at her. "I could come with you, make sure you don't fall down in the shower or anything."

"No way," she said to him. "If we get in that shower together, we'll never make it downstairs to meet them for drinks."

Derek laughed. "That's probably true."

Emily pulled her hair back so it didn't get wet and used her time in the shower to collect herself. Now that she'd experienced what it felt like to be with Derek again, she was firmly planted on that virtual island in her mind. She could do this for a few days, and enjoy it. But she was going to have to face reality with the team for a little bit first. She let the soap and the warm water wash the scent of Derek off her skin. By the time she got her clothes on and reached into her purse for her wedding ring, she was looking forward to seeing the group.

She wandered back over to the connecting doors and found Derek dressed and sitting at the table in his room, sending a text. Checking in at home probably, she thought. She should do the same, but it was only about five o'clock in the morning in London. She could wait a couple of hours.

He smiled when he saw her. "Ready?"

"Yep."

He stood and walked to stand in front of her. He placed a hand under her hair and behind her neck and kissed her. It was completely crazy how her body reacted instantly to him.

"Legs okay?" he whispered against her lips.

"They were until a couple of seconds ago."

He laughed. "Come on," he said.

They found the team in the hotel bar. JJ got to her first and gave her a hug, and then Hotch did. But Rossi...he walked forward and placed his hands on her cheeks. "Married life must agree with you, Emily. You're positively glowing."

She blushed at those words but managed to give Rossi a hug and say, "Thank you."

Their visit was pleasant once she pushed down the guilt that she and Derek were doing this right under their noses. Emily kept asking them questions about their own lives, trying to keep the conversation away from hers. They asked Derek about his new job, which he assured them was going well, but Emily didn't believe it. She could tell by the tone of his voice that something was off there. A couple of hours later, they said their goodbyes and planned to meet up at eight the next morning for breakfast.

Emily and Derek played the game again, entering their individual hotel room doors. She sat on the edge of her bed and quickly sent a text off to Brian to let him know she'd arrived safely. Derek walked in her room and she looked up at him.

"How's the new job really?"

He flopped on the bed next to her and laid down. "It's okay. It's different."

Emily laid down next to him and turned on her side, propping her head in her hand and looking at him. He met her eyes and stared at her for several seconds. "It's been a really hard adjustment," he whispered.

She reached her hand out and rested it on his chest. "It's a huge change, but it's only been a couple of months, Derek."

"How long did it take you to feel comfortable when you took the job at Interpol?" he asked.

"A year," she replied.

"Shit."

She smiled at him. "But the first three or four months were the hardest. After that it got a little bit better every week. It takes awhile to earn the respect of the people you supervise. And knowing you like I do, when you feel that, you probably get pretty irrationally pissed off, which only makes it harder for people to respect you."

He rolled on his side and kissed her. "Thank you. And you're right. I'm going to have to work on that getting pissed off thing and give people more time."

Derek flopped back on his back and reached for her hand. "Do you still think we're assholes?"

"Yes," she responded so instantly and seriously that they both laughed.

"Would it be totally awful of me to tell you that knowing I would see you this October made everything better for me?" he asked quietly.

Emily blinked once and then rolled her body on top of his, straddling his hips and looking him in the eye. "Me, too."

She wanted to say it then, that she'd leave Brian and come back to DC and find a different job. But that letting go of her marriage and job in an instant for questionable outcome seemed more rash and uncertain than what they were doing now. And she wasn't sure he wanted to leave Savannah anyway.

They were a perfect storm.

There was the part of her mind that told her that if she did this with Derek occasionally and still tried to work on her marriage, she'd survive. But if she walked away from London totally and it didn't work with Derek, she'd fall apart and become someone she didn't even know.

It was the story of every person who ever had an affair. Once you step into that world, extricating yourself could either hurt you or ruin you. She chose the possibility of hurt and didn't say anything at all. Instead she kissed him and let herself get to that place where she wasn't thinking about anything anymore besides him and how good being with him felt.

She finally felt like she could take the initiative and keep it. He kept trying to pull her to him and roll her over and she pushed his hands away with a smile on her face. She removed his shirt and then hers, along with her bra. He reached for her breasts and she let him touch her for a few seconds before moving away from him, shifting down and undoing his pants.

This time, it was her who stayed in her jeans, and him who found himself helpless on the bed as her mouth engulfed him. They weren't bound by time constraints; they still had two more nights in that hotel. His fingers were gentle in her hair letting her set the pace as she moved up and down on him, but at a certain point, he clutched her hair a bit more tightly and murmured, "Emily." She reached one hand up towards his mouth and brushed her finger against his lips and he knew what she meant, that this was okay.

He fell apart then, trying not to thrust too much, and she smiled around his size as much as she could. It was nice to finally feel and see him be a puddle in her hands rather than the other way around. She felt his body clench and then he was moaning and spilling into her mouth.

After, it was her lips that kissed his his hips and worked her way up his body. His eyes were half closed and he was breathing heavily. It took awhile before he was able to focus on her face, and when he did, she whispered, "That's how you make me feel, every time."

* * *

><p>The weekend was a blur of sex and conversation and just being together. They delivered their presentations that were overwhelmingly well-received. Their chemistry and bantering on stage only got better.<p>

When they finished their last session on Sunday afternoon, there was a sense of loss and sadness that dissipated when a man approached both of them and introduced himself as the head of the Canadian Security Intelligence Service. He enjoyed their workshop and asked if they'd be interested in presenting in Montreal the second weekend in March.

They both eagerly agreed to the conference.

Emily held onto that, as something to look forward to. She left Derek outside the international terminal at LAX on Sunday evening, a glance over her shoulder before she had to turn around so he wouldn't see her tears.

On that flight home, there were too many memories to wash away with alcohol. She turned her head towards the window on the plane and cried quietly for over an hour before she fell into an exhausted sleep.

And when, nearly twelve hours later, the plane landed in London, she took a deep breath and walked through Heathrow. She knew what to expect, and she was right. Brian was there, waiting for her, and she managed to greet him with a smile.


	4. Chapter 4

March 2016

Emily awoke to gentle kisses on her back. She was naked, laying on her stomach in a bed at a ski resort outside of Montreal. It took her a moment to remember that.

She'd flown in the night before, and, like the last trip, Derek was there waiting for her in the airport. They were instantly braver in a different country, at a conference where there wasn't a single person they could possibly know.

He'd rented a car, and they hadn't even made it out of the parking garage at first. They made out like teenagers in that car with the heat blasting to combat the chill in the air. There were few words spoken that night. They'd made it to their hotel rooms and Derek didn't even bother going into his. He'd followed her with his suitcase right into hers.

After a few months living with her reality, Emily hadn't had the hesitation she'd had back in October. Whatever was going on with Derek, it was working for her, at least for now. Her marriage with Brian was better, and overall she was happier. She'd stopped feeling so wholly guilty, even though she still knew it was wrong.

She came back to the moment in that bed. Emily felt Derek press a kiss on her lower back and blinked open her eyes and smiled.

"Are you awake now?" he asked her.

"Yes," she whispered, so happy to hear his voice the first thing in the morning.

"Good. Get dressed. We don't have to present until after lunch and I have a surprise for you."

Emily rolled over to look at him. Get dressed? She raised one eyebrow. He laughed and said, "Trust me. Dress warmly."

"Can I shower first?" she asked.

He shook his head, his eyes gleaming and a smile on his lips. "We'll shower after. Come on."

Emily bundled herself up in her casual clothing and Derek produced a black knit hat that he pulled over her head gently. He kissed her and said, "You're going to need this."

"What are we doing?"

He took her hand and pulled her out of the hotel room. "Having fun, Emily."

She followed him to the elevators that they rode down to the ground level. He turned her down a long hallway. She saw an area for ski and snowboard rentals, but he passed those, going right out the sliding doors and around the back of the resort.

She saw them then, a line of snowmobiles. Derek produced a ticket from his pocket and handed it to an attendant who nodded.

He tossed a smile over his shoulder at her. "You ever ridden one of these?"

She laughed. "Can't say I have."

"Well, come on." Derek walked confidently over to one of the mobiles and sat down. He reached behind him and patted the space there. "Hop on."

A rush of metaphors swirled in her head. _Hang in there, Emily. Hop on._

She walked over in her snow boots and sat behind him in the seat. She wrapped her arms around him. "Hold on tightly," he said to her.

_Hang in there, Emily. Hop on. Hold on tightly. _

Derek started the engine and at first he moved slowly away from the resort. But then they hit a path and he took off, and she could feel the rush of cold air around her. There were twists and turns and she had to clench her arms and legs to hang on. It was exhilarating. The wind whipped around them and Derek swerved through the path like he always did this. He took them farther and farther down the path, and she laughed as he moved faster and trees whipped around the side of her vision.

Derek seemed to grow more bold the farther they went, and his speed increased. She clasped her arms around him more tightly and enjoyed the ride. But after a few minutes, he hit a turn too sharply, and then there was a bump that sent her flying off the back of the seat. She landed on her back in a pile of snow, stunned. And the metaphors swirled in her head. _This is probably going to be exactly how this goes. It's going to be a thrilling, fun ride until I'm thrown off. _

She heard the engine of the snowmobile cut off and his feet running quickly through the snow. "Emily!" he shouted.

His face was above hers and she didn't tell him what was on her mind. Instead she laughed, because it was all so insane and crazy and wonderful in the moment.

He breathed out a sigh of relief. "You're okay?" he asked.

"I'm fine." And she laughed again. "You're great in a car chase, but not so much driving a snowmobile, Derek Morgan."

Derek huffed out a laugh and reached a gloved hand towards her face, gently touching her cheek. "You're beautiful," he whispered.

Her eyes met his. This was a line they hadn't crossed before. Sex, yes. Lots of sex consolidated into short encounters. And they talked relatively freely with each other, but not directly about their relationships. As far as feelings went, about how the other looked or felt, or how they felt about each other, they didn't say real words at all. And Emily loved it and hated it, him telling her she was beautiful.

"Don't," she whispered to him.

He raised his eyebrows at her in confusion, and she answered the unspoken questions in his mind. "Things like that will make it so much harder when this ends," she said.

And he silently acknowledged that statement with a story told with his eyes. Eventually this was going to end, maybe not soon, but sometime. Or they were going to have to start talking about the alternative, and Emily wasn't ready for that in the moment. She'd just barely celebrated her first anniversary with Brian. It was easier to pretend she wasn't a terrible person if she and Derek didn't talk about their feelings.

She didn't know who she was anymore, if she stepped back and stared down at herself. She had her months with Brian, and then a few short days with Derek, and she could only look at them in separate categories, a narrowed picture instead of an overall view, or she would go insane. Bringing spoken feelings into her relationship with Derek was going to blur into a bigger mess than she was in now, and she couldn't handle it.

Derek bent forward and kissed her. Then he took her hands in his and pulled her to a standing position. "Let's head back."

There was something different about his voice; like he understood where she was coming from, but didn't know what to do with it.

She sat behind him again and held on and he drove them much more slowly back to the resort. He was silent and slow on the walk back to her hotel room. Once they were inside with the door closed, he pulled of his own gloves and then hers.

She searched his face, but couldn't find what he was thinking about. He pulled her hat off and kissed her forehead.

"I'm sorry I said anything," she whispered, feeling insecure.

He shook his head at her. "Don't be. You're right."

It didn't feel right to her. Something had shifted and she didn't know whether she liked it or not as he stripped himself and then her of her outerwear and clothing. He linked his fingers with hers when they were naked and walked her to the bathroom. He started the water in the shower and kissed her neck and face while it warmed up.

Things were slower. She didn't know if that was perception or reality. But before that moment everything with them that involved sex seemed spontaneous, fast and unbelievable. It had never been slow before. She didn't know if it was better or worse; he was silent and yet it felt like a novel that spilled loving words over her body, without him saying anything at all.

She let him guide her into the warm water and he turned her so she was receiving most of the warm spray. His hands moved slowly across her body with soap. He turned her around and pulled her back against his chest and rubbed shampoo in her hair, then turned her again so she could rinse it off. He repeated the process with conditioner. And when he turned her again, to rinse that out of her hair, she looked him in the eyes. She reached her hand to touch his cheek and in her mind she acknowledged this was no better, the silent, slow communication with their bodies. They might as well have been declaring how they felt about each other to every person they ever knew or met. Still, without words, there was room for questioning and doubt, which was awful, but felt safer.

The words were right on the tip of her tongue. _I could come back to DC. _She didn't speak them, though. She knew she could say those things there, in that hotel room that felt like a different world, but putting the reality of those words into motion wasn't something she felt like she could honestly pull off, without a guarantee. And there were no guarantees here. She took what she knew about Derek and trusted it as fact: If he thought there was a viable, true option for them, he'd tell her.

Instead she followed his arm with her eyes as it turned off the water. She let him dry off her body and then his. She grasped his fingers as he walked her out of the shower to the bed. She let him help guide her down on the bed and then she pulled him towards her. Her skin wasn't totally dry and the fingers of his right hand started at her lips and trailed down her body. He pushed one finger inside her and then another and she threw her head back and felt him kiss the underside of the chin.

"Touch yourself," he whispered.

She moved her head again so her eyes could find his, and she felt a blush creep across her cheeks. They'd gone many places together in bed, but not there yet. Still, she landed on those eyes she trusted and she reached her hand down to touch herself while his fingers moved inside her. She tried to hold onto his gaze as long as possible, keeping up that silent dance of beauty and wonder and love without words, but eventually she had to close her eyes as what she was feeling became too much.

His fingers left her then. She felt his hand on her wrist, pulling it away from her and to her side. His fingers linked with hers and he shifted his hips so he was in the right position. Her legs automatically went around him and he entered her.

It was all so slow - his lips on her face and neck, his hands when they touched her body, but it still wasn't too long before he shifted slightly so he was hitting her at exactly the right spot that he already knew made her fall apart. They came together, quietly, but before she could fully catch her breath, he whispered in her ear, "I can't."

She found his eyes again and stared at him. "Can't what?"

"I can't not tell you you're beautiful. I can't not tell you I love you. I can't not tell you this is what I want, but I don't know how to make it happen because it's all such a mess, and we created that mess."

With those words out there, there was no going back to a safely compartmentalized space. She blinked back tears. It was what she wanted and everything that scared that hell out of her all at once. She reached her hand out to touch his face and breached every wall she'd built around her emotions in order to make their affair work for her. "I love you," she whispered.

* * *

><p>Things changed after that in a way she didn't predict that further blurred the lines between their affair and their primary relationships - They started talking about Savannah and Brian. They kept those conversations out of the hotel room, but when they were in the resort eating or having drinks, they stopped pretending that Brian and Savannah didn't exist. Emily couldn't figure out if they were trying to help each other figure out a way to leave them or stay with them; they were conversations were filled with drastically competing interests.<p>

"_How long does it take you, when you go home, to feel like things are normal with you and Brian?" _

"_It took longer after the first time, in New York. Four or five days. After Los Angeles, it only took a couple of days, I think because I already knew I'd see you this weekend."_

"_That's pretty much how it is for me, too."_

* * *

><p>"<em>What does Savannah think about these conferences?"<em>

"_It's the only traveling I do now, so she's fine with it. They're planned well in advance, and she understands my reasoning, which is that this is good PR for the FBI. She doesn't know that the FBI could probably give a shit if I did these or not." _

_Emily laughed a little at that. "Same. Although Interpol does actually give a shit; they like that I'm doing this." _

* * *

><p>"<em>Sometimes I feel so beaten down, Emily." <em>

"_What do you mean?"_

"_There's always an edge around our house that makes me feel like Savannah sees her career as more important than mine. I feel like I carry more of the emotional burden to make sure I'm available because she sees her career as vital and mine as optional." _

"_Do you know she really feels that way, or is that a guess?"_

"_She's never actually said that out loud, but I can sense it, every time I have to work late."_

_Emily had to choose her words carefully; she didn't want to talk badly about a person she'd never met. "I'm sorry. That doesn't sound pleasant. It's better without the traveling, though, right?" _

"_Marginally. But I feel like I made a huge career change to appease her and it hasn't made it better enough." _

* * *

><p>"<em>I got married because I was lonely and Brian was a safe option," Emily blurted out on Sunday afternoon as they walked around the snowy paths near the resort. <em>

"_Do you love him?" Derek asked. _

"_Yes," she said quietly. "I didn't think it was possible to ever love two people at once. I never thought it would be possible to cheat on someone I cared about, to be totally honest. And we're still assholes, Derek, but I do love you." _

"_I love you, too, Emily." _

"_And you love Savannah," she said quietly. It was a statement that she meant to come out as a question, but she already knew the answer. If he didn't love her, he wouldn't have moved in with her or left the BAU. _

"_Yes," he confirmed. _

"_What a fucked up mess," said Emily. _

"_It is. But it doesn't feel so messy when I'm with you."_

_Emily only nodded at that. It was true, but also so glaringly wrong with the words now out there. "Maybe we should skip the conference in New York this June," she said while blinking back tears. "Give each other a little more time apart to figure out what we want." _

"_Then we wouldn't see each other again until October. That's a long time."_

"_It is, but we can't keep doing this indefinitely, Derek. It is possible to love two people at once, but eventually we're going have to make a choice." _

_Derek looked around and saw there wasn't anyone else near them. He backed her against a tree and kissed her. "But we show up in October no matter what. Even if it's to tell each other goodbye." _

_Emily let a tear fall then. "Deal." _

_He kissed the tear on her cheek and then both of her eyes. He kissed her lips again and that felt like a seal on a promise they might not be able to keep, because in seven months, everything could change for both of them. _

* * *

><p>Without saying anything, they went back to their compartmentalized world again after that conversation. It was their last night in Canada, their last night together for several long months, and they wanted to enjoy it.<p>

After dinner, Emily stood from the table and said, "Come on."

"Where are we going?" he asked.

"My idea of fun."

Emily lead them to the elevators and up to the top floor of the resort. She walked them into the resort's spa and up to the desk. "Eight o'clock appointment for Prentiss," she told the woman at the desk.

The woman smiled at her and Derek as she stood. "Right this way."

She lead them down several hallways and into a room. Emily glanced at Derek and smiled as he surveyed the room where there were two massage tables. The woman opened the glass door of the steam room and flipped a switch. The room started filling with steam.

"Enjoy. The massage therapists will be in in about forty-five minutes," she said before leaving the room.

"Couple's massage," said Emily with a grin. "You ever done this?"

Derek grinned. "Can't say I have."

"I have, but not with someone else." Emily reached to pull her sweater and shirt off and smiled at him. "What on earth are we going to do in a steam room for forty-five minutes?"

The room was so full of steam that she could barely see him. She laid a towel on a wide, deep bench and reached for his hand. She sat him down and then sat on his lap, straddling his thighs with her knees on the bench.

The air was thick with steam and their bodies were slick with the moisture. She kissed him and he came into her view, but when she pulled her head back, he was just a blur, a barely visible mirage through a cloud of steam. His hands slid easily over her damp skin. She saw him briefly as he bent forward and kissed her shoulder and then her chest. She raised herself up on her knees and his hands found her hips while his mouth found her nipple.

Emily sighed in satisfaction. She could barely breath through the heat and humidity in that room and it brought an edge to this that she'd never felt before. She reached her hand down and stroked him and felt him moan around her breast.

She reached her other hand behind him and pushed on his back, urging him to scoot forward on the bench a bit. He did and she adjusted her position and she sank down on him. They both made satisfied sounds and then his lips found hers again and she started moving up and down on him.

It couldn't possibly be this good always, she thought. But in the back of her mind, she acknowledged that maybe with him it could be.

They didn't rush. She wrapped her arms behind his neck and she felt his hands slide up behind her back, and she set a rhythmic pace, tossing her head back and feeling him kiss her body, any place he could reach. She tried to keep breathing in the stifling air and just let the sensations course through her body.

* * *

><p>He kissed her goodbye in the hotel room on Monday morning, and kissed her again in the rental car before they turned it in at the airport. He hugged her and pressed a kiss on her forehead before she headed off through security to her gate.<p>

"I love you, Emily Prentiss. You remember that," he said softly and reverently.

"I love you, too," she responded with a heavy heart.

On that flight home, she didn't drink and she didn't cry. She felt too completely raw to either try to obliterate her memories or cry about them. She closed her eyes before the plane even pulled onto the tarmac. She visualized his face and remembered his voice as he told her he loved her and that she was beautiful.

She held on to a fragile promise of October.

* * *

><p><em>AN - This story is killing me, people! However, yesterday was my last day at work. I'm off for three weeks before I start my new job. So I should have plenty of time for this story and Half the Sky. _


	5. Chapter 5

Fall 2016

Emily walked quickly through the State Department in DC trying to get back to the Interpol jet that was waiting to take her back to London as fast as possible. She typically was able to attend these meetings via video conferencing, or she'd send a member of her staff. But things were heating up with a terrorist cell that was exploiting loopholes in the immigration laws in various countries. Interpol was working with the Department of Homeland Security along with various other agencies in different countries. She'd flown in early that morning, attended a meeting that went on for four hours, and now was ready to fly back.

It was taking every ounce of willpower to not call Derek and tell him she was in town. But they'd said October, and it was only September. She'd see him in four weeks.

"Emily," a voice called from behind her.

Emily stopped and turned around to face Jeb Hansen, a Deputy Assistant Director for Immigration and Customs Enforcement. He smiled at her. "You're in a hurry," he said.

Emily smiled back. He was a nice man who she respected. "Just trying to get back to London so that I can maybe get a few hours of sleep in my own bed tonight." _Just trying to get the hell out of here before I do something stupid and show up at the DC field office. _

"I understand, but can you give me a few minutes?"

"Sure. Of course."

Jeb turned the handle on a door and ushered her into an empty conference room before closing the door behind them. "I haven't told anyone this yet, but I'm planning to retire next June. I want to leave my office in good hands, and the person I keep coming back to who I think would do the best job is you. No one currently working for me is ready for the responsibility and your language skills would be an asset. Would you ever consider returning to the United States?"

Emily blinked at him. Since last March she'd really tried to make things work with Brian. She felt like she had committed to him when she said "I do," and she needed to put in an effort. She failed much of the time, and she guiltily looked for jobs in the DC area on occasion. She managed to formulate an answer for Jeb, "I would, possibly. It's only September. When would you need to know by?"

"You'd need to take the certification exam, which I'm sure you could pass with your eyes closed. I'll officially notify my superiors in January and the job would be posted right away unless I offered up a good candidate. So the first of the year. I'd want you to work along side me for a couple of months, so you're looking at a start date in April if you choose to take it."

Before she could totally think it through, she said, "I'm coming back to the states for a conference in Los Angeles in October. I could make a stop here first and take the exam, so at least that part would be done. But I'd have to think on it for awhile beyond that."

Jeb smiled at her. "Perfect. Give me a call and let me know when you'll be here and I'll schedule the exam."

Emily nodded and shook his hand. She finished her departure from the building and headed towards the airport. Only when she was on the jet and in the air did she allow herself to truly process the job offer.

She'd been thinking for months that if she was going to leave Brian, it should be about leaving Brian, not about what Derek chose to do. Otherwise she was looking at Brian as a consolation prize, which was unfair. But the reality was she didn't have a reason to leave him unless Derek was waiting on the other side. Brian was a kind man, he loved her and cared about her, and in a mellow, slightly boring way, they were okay together. It wasn't her ideal, but her ideal wasn't necessarily available.

She tried to imagine a scenario where she left Brian and came back to DC and Derek chose to stay with Savannah. She couldn't place herself in that picture very well. It was all so confusing and heartbreaking; there was nothing cut and dry and no solid option to hold onto.

All she knew for certain was that if Derek said he was in, she'd be on the fastest plane she could find out of London. Which made her a callous bitch when it came to her marriage, she knew that and she didn't like it about herself at all. But it was situation she created when she first slept with Derek, and it was what she had to live with now.

* * *

><p>The second weekend in October arrived, a much shorter conference than the one they'd attended the year before due to budget cuts. Brian was always curious about her presentations and liked looking at the conference schedules; it was the one part of her job that he didn't mind talking about. So there was no way to make an excuse to fly in on a Thursday when she and Derek were only slated to present twice on Saturday.<p>

What she did tell Brian was that she had another meeting at the State Department, which wasn't totally a lie. She switched her direct flight from Heathrow to LAX and made a stop in DC. She took the certification exam, and then headed for Los Angeles.

Derek, she knew, had taken an earlier flight out. But he wasn't there waiting for her at the airport that Friday night. She checked her phone and saw a voice mail message from him.

With a sinking heart, she stood on the curb at LAX and listened to his voice that almost brought tears of happiness to her; it had been so many months.

_Emily, I'm so sorry. There was a case and I couldn't get out on my flight today. I'm actually still at work. I'm going to try and take the earliest flight I can in the morning and make it for our first presentation. If I get on the 6:30 flight, I'll be there in time. I'm sorry. I'll keep you posted. _

She tried to ignore the fact that something was off in his voice. Perhaps it was just because other people were around when he left that message. She took a cab from the airport and checked into her hotel room. That night she turned her body perpendicular in the bed. She was too raw and too worried to cry; she stared at the connecting door between their two rooms, willing him to appear.

Derek blew into their presentation room late the next morning, about ten minutes before they were supposed to start. The room already had people in it, so they couldn't say much. He smiled when he saw her, and her heart nearly started beating right out of her chest. He showed. They'd made a promise and he showed up.

Their presentations were back to back, and they had no time to talk. But as soon as the second one was over, they quickly made their way upstairs and to their rooms.

Both the previous October and March, that first time when they saw each other again was a frantic flurry of flying clothing and impatience. That didn't happen this time. Derek walked into her room through the connecting door and stood in front of her. He gently touched her face with his fingers, and then kissed her just as gently. He set an agonizingly slow pace, and she followed his lead.

She wanted to talk, she wanted to ask him what he was thinking, she wanted to tell him about the potential new job back in DC, she wanted to say that she'd leave London and Brian if he was there waiting for her on the other side. She couldn't make the words come out of her mouth. He wasn't saying anything at all, which made her feel like maybe she wouldn't like his replies.

Instead she let him slowly take off her clothing and kiss her. When she touched his skin, it felt like her hands belonged on his body. When they were both naked, he gently laid her on the bed and kissed her forehead. He worked his way down her body with his lips and tongue, and then back up again, settling with his head between her legs.

There was no teasing this time, no bringing her right to the edge and then backing off, smiling while she begged. There was a pit of worry in her stomach about all of these changes. His rhythmic, steady pace with his tongue had her ignoring that worry within a few minutes, though. She placed one hand on his head and whimpered through a slowly rolling orgasm.

He kissed his way back up her body and then kissed her lips. She wrapped her legs around him and he entered her in one, slow steady motion. _Our bodies fit together like a perfectly formed puzzle without a single missing piece, Derek._ That was the thought in her mind that she didn't speak aloud.

He kissed her cheek and then whispered in her ear, "I love you." They were the first words spoken between the two of them since they got into the hotel room, and they sounded everything like "Goodbye" to her ears.

* * *

><p>Derek had his body wrapped around hers and was kissing her shoulders. He finally started talking. "I have to take the redeye back to DC tonight. I barely got away as it was. There's a trafficking case crossing straight lines right through DC and I need to be there."<p>

Emily stared at the wall in front of her and touched his hand where it rested on her stomach. "I understand. It was bound to happen sooner or later where one of us had a case that interrupted these conferences." _What are you thinking, Derek. Where are you at with all of this, with us?" _

Like he was reading her mind, she felt him reach his head up to kiss her cheek. "I don't know yet, Emily. I'm sorry. I just don't know. When I see you, it's everything I want, but it's so complicated when I go back home. There's just so much going on between work and home."

Emily blinked back tears and nodded. She knew what he meant and she felt similarly. "I took the certification exam at the State Department yesterday. Jeb Hansen is going to retire in June. The job's mine if I want it."

Derek placed a hand on her hip and turned her so she was laying on her back. He searched her face. "Are you going to take it?" he asked in a neutral voice.

"I...I don't know. I feel strongly that if I'm going to leave Brian, I need to do that because it's what I want, regardless of what you choose. I'm not sure I can do that. I have until January to think about it."

This was the first time they'd brought these types of conversations right into bed with them. Emily didn't know how to feel about that, but they only had a few hours before Derek left again.

"It would be a perfect job for you, but I understand what you're saying." Derek kissed her softly. "We could try and get in on the conference in Montreal again."

_Maybe this is it, _thought Emily. _Maybe this is all I can hope for, an ongoing affair. _She took a risk. Her voice cracked as she spoke, but she didn't let tears betray her. "Do you think if I left Brian and came back to DC, it would be easier for you to decide?"

"I love you, Emily. I wish I could give you a definite answer, but I don't know."

She reached up to touch his face and nodded. "I love you, too."

That night, after Derek left to return to the airport, Emily stayed in bed. She didn't know what to feel or think. She stared at the connecting door and reveled in the scent of Derek that was still on her skin and in her bed. She held the pillow he'd been laying on and squeezed it close to her body. She found herself thinking about that time when she was in Paris and JJ had shown up to give her a few false identities so she could disappear, and how she walked away from JJ thinking she'd never felt so alone and scared in her life.

Somehow, what she felt in that moment in the hotel room was lonelier and scarier. She'd come to Los Angeles hoping for a happy and forever "Hello," and prepared for a forever "Goodbye." She didn't anticipate being right back in limbo.

The next afternoon she boarded a plane back home. She set her watch back to London time and alternated between staring at it and staring out the window. When her watch turned to midnight, she quietly thought, "Happy Fucking Birthday, Emily." She was forty-six years old and felt like a lost child.

Two days later, an evite arrived to celebrate Thanksgiving with JJ and Will. She invited Emily every year, and Emily never went. She found herself desperately longing for her BAU friends, for people who knew and loved the Emily she used to be, because she honestly didn't know who she was anymore.

She watched the responses to that evite all day. When a response came from Savannah that she and Derek had to decline because they were going to Chicago for Thanksgiving, Emily talked to Brian. They made plans to stay at JJ's house for the long Thanksgiving weekend.

* * *

><p>"<em>How is it that you're still not seeing anyone?" asked Brian.<em>

"_There's not much time for dating with my job." replied Emily. "What about you?"_

_Brian sighed. "I was seeing a woman for about three years. She wasn't interested in getting married; she was interested in having children. But after several months of that not happening we both went in for fertility testing. Turns out it wasn't her, it was me. Though I tried some different medical options, it was irreversible. Anyway, after that, she wasn't interested in me anymore."_

"_I'm sorry. That must have been difficult."_

_Brian shrugged. "It was for awhile. It was almost two years ago that we ended things, though, and it's fine now." He smiled at her. "You and I have been going out to coffee after book club for a year now, and I was wondering if you'd like to go out on a real date. I know how busy your job is, and that doesn't bother me."_

Emily sat there and recalled that conversation with a hammering heart. That had been after she'd been in London for almost two years. She'd joined the book club to try and make some friends, and she'd ended up with Brian. Brian who was completely sterile.

With tears swimming in her eyes and fear filling her entire being, she sat paralyzed on the toilet in JJ's house and watched how instantly that second line appeared on the pregnancy test.

The previous Sunday, when she'd been plagued with breasts that hurt so badly that even the gentle spray in the shower made her cringe, pregnancy had flitted across her mind. She'd quickly dismissed it, but the sensitivity hadn't let up. Then, on Tuesday night, on their flight to DC, the flight attendant had set dinner in front of her and Emily had had to quickly push Brian out of his seat and run to throw up in the airplane's bathroom.

Brian had been waiting for her when she stepped out of the bathroom. "Are you okay?"

"Yes. Sometimes I get nauseous on planes," was her flimsy excuse.

When they'd landed in DC, it was early on Wednesday morning. They'd just beat a huge storm front that was moving into the area, predicting to drop over a foot of snow.

Emily made another lame excuse about forgetting her toothbrush. She had the cab stop at a drugstore on the way to JJ and Will's house and told Brian to wait in the cab while she ran in. She bought a toothbrush and a pregnancy test, feeling like she was pulling off the crime of the century while doing so. She shoved the pregnancy test in the pocket of her jacket and came out of the drugstore with the toothbrush in her hand.

And after she'd been greeted by a very happy JJ and Will and an excited Henry, who was happy to have house guests, Brian had brought their things up to the guest room. Emily, with her jacket over her arm, had excused herself to the bathroom and now she was staring at the small plastic stick in her hand that was telling her the statistically improbable, so improbable she'd considered it an impossibility.

When she was fifteen and got pregnant, followed by an abortion, she'd sworn off sex forever. That lasted until college, and at that point, she was so damn careful. She'd been taking birth control pills for over twenty-five years and had never missed a day. Even when the pill became unnecessary since she was with Brian, she still kept taking it, preferring the predictability of a short, light period.

Was it possible that in her distraction and excitement to get to Los Angeles in October that she skipped her pill for a day making this more likely to happen? Maybe. She'd never missed a day before, but between the idea of the State Department job and seeing Derek, she supposed it was possible that she'd skipped a pill. There was no way to know for sure; she kept pills at home, in her ready bag, and at work. She couldn't look back at anything to see for certain.

It didn't matter now. She was forty-six years old. She was married to Brian Stanley. And it looked very likely that she was carrying Derek Morgan's child.

She counted the weeks on her hand. Almost five weeks. She'd have to stop taking her pills. She needed to see her doctor when she got back to London. Until she knew for certain that everything was okay, she wasn't going to say anything and she was going to try not to think about it. She wrapped the pregnancy test back up in the box and put the box back in her jacket pocket.

A couple of hours later, when Henry wanted to play outside in the snow that was now falling, Emily volunteered to take him. She went around the side of the house, found the garbage can, and buried the pregnancy test inside a full garbage bag.

* * *

><p>Through a monumental effort, she managed to enjoy her time with JJ that Wednesday afternoon and evening. She declined wine, explaining that her stomach had been upset on the plane and she just wanted to stick with water. Her hands shook a bit in fear, but she was mostly able to control that and push her worry down.<p>

They prepared food for the next day and talked about the BAU and Interpol. Emily even managed to laugh because after awhile with JJ it felt almost like she'd never left. She could pretend it was Thanksgiving of 2011, the last time she'd been in JJ's house for that holiday, and she was back from Paris and living her life with her friends again.

Early the next morning, Emily looked out the window and saw a street covered in snow that was still falling. She left a sleeping Brian and went downstairs, feeling nauseous again and wanting to eat toast or something like it to combat the feeling, in hopes she wouldn't throw up.

She heard JJ's voice when she was on the stairs.

"I figured you guys didn't get out when I heard about the flight cancellations on the news this morning."

There was a pause. She must be on the phone, and with a sinking heart, Emily thought maybe she knew who JJ was on the phone with. It was confirmed with the next sentence.

"Of course, Savannah. You're more than welcome. We have plenty of food and we'd love to have you both."

Emily stopped in mid-step and sank down onto the stairs. This could not possibly be happening to her. She'd known what she was doing with Derek was wrong and eventually someone was going to have to pay. She'd spent the past five weeks thinking that was probably going to be her. She was going to hurt and feel awful for awhile, and then hopefully she'd be okay.

Now she was going to have to get through Thanksgiving dinner with Savannah and Derek. And she was pregnant with his child. What fucking hell was this?

She stood up on shaking legs and made her way into the kitchen. JJ smiled when she saw her and Emily managed to smile back.

"Derek and Savannah are coming for dinner, too. You'll finally get to meet her. I haven't seen her in a while; she must be showing by now."

It didn't even take Emily a second to understand the meaning of those words. Sadness, fear and rage all filled her while her stomach rolled. She bolted for the small half bathroom near the kitchen and threw up into the toilet for what felt like forever. She didn't have much food in her system, but the dry heaving didn't let up. And the longer she was there on her knees over the toilet, the angrier she got.

If Savannah was pregnant and would be showing by now, there was absolutely no way Derek didn't know in October. And she would have never, ever slept with him if he'd told her, and she wouldn't be pregnant now. All he said was that there was a lot going on between home and work. That fucking bastard. She'd never loved and hated someone so completely until that moment.

JJ walked into the bathroom and invaded her space, closing the door behind her. Emily sank away from the toilet and sat on the floor. JJ reached in a cupboard and wet a washcloth in the sink, handing it to Emily before sinking onto the floor herself.

Emily wiped her mouth and finally met JJ's eyes. The tears came then and JJ reached forward to put her hand on Emily's knee.

"You're pregnant?" asked JJ.

Emily nodded, and continued to stare at JJ, wishing she could will her friend to read her mind so she didn't have to say the awful truth out loud. "Brian's sterile," she finally whispered.

JJ's eyes widened and she glanced at the door, probably thinking about that phone call she was just on and Emily's reaction to her words. She stared back at Emily.

"How far along is Savannah?" Emily asked, hoping for a possible miracle that maybe Derek hadn't known in October. That one sentence confirmed for JJ what this was about, she could see it in JJ's face when realization dawned on her.

"Twenty weeks, I think. Somewhere around there," JJ whispered. "Oh, Emily," she said sadly. "Those conferences you two have been going to?"

Emily nodded. "He knew about Savannah in October and he didn't tell me. I can't believe this is happening to me."

A fresh wave of sobbing overtook Emily then. JJ moved and put her arms around her and rubbed her back, and Emily tried to control herself. A couple of minutes later, there was the sound of footsteps on the stairs above their heads. JJ stood quickly and whispered, "Wash your face and calm down. We'll talk more later." She quickly went out the door, closing it softly behind her.

Later that afternoon, a couple of hours before all of the guests were scheduled to arrive to dinner, JJ and Emily went for a walk in the fresh snow, leaving the kitchen duties to Will, Brian and Henry for a little bit. Out in the crisp air, Emily regained enough footing to tell the whole beautifully terrible story to JJ. She didn't cry; the cold numbed her emotions.

Towards the end of the walk, Emily flopped back into a fresh pile of snow and stared at the sky. JJ settled next to her. For the most part, JJ had just been silent on that walk, not saying anything, not judging her, but reassuringly squeezing their gloved hands together or patting Emily's back as she talked.

"He took me on a snowmobile ride, when we were Montreal. He hit a corner too fast and I flew off the back and when I landed, I thought to myself that this was probably going to be how it ended. I was going to get flung off the ride at some point and end up flat on my back."

JJ reached her hand out and found Emily's. "You've been through hell before, Emily Prentiss, and you've never landed flat on your back. You'll get through this. I don't know how, but you will. I love you and I'm sorry this happened."

Emily turned to look at JJ. "You don't think I'm a terrible person?"

JJ gave her a small smile. "I don't understand what you did. I can't put myself in that position and imagine it. But, there is no way I could ever think you or Derek were terrible people, because you're just not. Are you going to tell him?"

Emily shook her head. "Not until I see my doctor, and then I'm going to have to tell Brian first. It just feels like the right steps to take."

"How are you going to get through dinner?"

"The same way I lived with Ian Doyle. I'm going to pretend I'm someone else."

* * *

><p>Emily managed to call up that person inside her. She didn't meet Derek's eyes when he arrived, but accepted his friendly hug hello. She introduced herself and hugged Savannah, who was visibly pregnant, and said it was nice to meet her. She swallowed the bile in her throat and barely held on to her breaking heart, but she made it through dinner by focusing on Rossi, Reid and Penelope who were also there for dinner.<p>

Derek finally caught up with her in the kitchen when she was trying to be helpful and wash some dishes after the meal, before they had dessert.

"I'm sorry," he whispered to her.

She glared at him and finally met his eyes, and then she was too angry to even think about crying. "You knew in October and you didn't tell me," she hissed.

He nodded sadly at her. "I thought about how I was going to tell you the entire flight, and then I saw you and just couldn't."

Emily looked away from him and back down in the sink. Derek grabbed a towel and started drying some of the dishes. "I didn't want this with her, Emily," he finally said.

She wanted to have this conversation and didn't at the same time. But this wasn't the place for it, in hushed whispers while Brian, Savannah and their friends were in the other room. Still, anger was what she was feeling most. She wanted to tell him, she wanted to hurt him and make him suffer like she was suffering in the moment, but she just couldn't formulate words for the absurd, devastating reality that she was pregnant, too.

"Want it or not, you fucking have it now," was all she managed to say. Then she dried her hands and walked out of the kitchen, without a second glance.

* * *

><p>On December fifteenth, Brian was at a Christmas dinner for his department at work. Emily had bowed out of going because she wasn't feeling well, and she really wasn't. She'd seen her doctor right after returning from DC, and though it was too early to see the heartbeat, everything looked okay. They scheduled an appointment for three weeks later, which was supposed to happen tomorrow.<p>

She was being a coward, she knew that. She was living with Brian, she was pregnant with Derek's baby, and she'd told neither of them the truth. The stress and sadness was tearing her apart, but she wanted the certainty of that heartbeat before she said anything.

She was home from work and laying in her bed, thinking about this whole huge mess when the chills started, and then the sweating. She thought she was probably getting the flu, but an hour later, the cramping started. Still thinking that this might be the flu and that she needed to use the bathroom, she went to sit on the toilet and saw the flash of blood on her underwear.

After that, the cramping got excruciating and the blood started flowing out of her. She'd read about miscarriages in the preceding weeks. As much as there was a part of her that wanted this baby and she hadn't once contemplated an abortion, she'd had a brief thought a couple of times that a miscarriage might be the best possible outcome. Guilt washed over her, remembering that thought, because it looked like that was exactly what was happening. But it wasn't like miscarriages she'd read about. Something was definitely wrong; there was far too much blood, too fast.

She managed to crawl out of the bathroom and to her nightstand where her phone was. Brian walked into the bedroom as she was calling for an ambulance. She imagined how she must have looked to him, with her pants off and so much blood on her legs.

"Brian," she whispered helplessly, before fainting.

* * *

><p>She woke up in a hospital bed, hooked up to an IV and a heart monitor. Brian was sitting in the room with her and she looked at him, remembering what had happened, but unsure how long she'd been unconscious.<p>

Brian's face said it all. He hated her. With gritted teeth he said, "You miscarried, you were septic, you lost a lot of blood, but you're going to be fine now."

Tears filled her eyes and dripped down her face and he stood up, his usual cheerful lips a thin white line. "All of those conferences?" he asked firmly.

Emily whispered, "Yes."

"Derek?"

"Yes."

She'd never seen Brian angry. She'd never seen him lose his temper. She couldn't imagine him being vindictive, but she'd pushed him to the brink, making him as unrecognizable as she felt she was herself now. He held up her phone in his hand and looked at the screen. She saw his fingers moving and his eyes searching.

She knew what he was doing. "Don't. Please," she begged. Whatever hell she was going to have to live through, whatever her life looked like now, her anger at Derek had dissipated over the weeks. She still loved Derek deeply. If he was every going to know, she didn't want him to find out like this.

Brian ignored her and turned the phone on speaker. She wanted to grab it from his hands, but she felt too weak to even sit up. Derek's groggy voice answered the phone. "Hello?" She had no idea what time it was, but it must be in the middle of the night in DC.

"Derek?" said Brian's angry voice. "This is Brian Stanley."

She heard a rustling movement over the speaker on the phone, Derek probably getting out of the bed and moving away from Savannah.

"Is she okay?" she heard him whisper.

"She's fine now. She almost died, though, miscarrying your child. I hope you enjoyed fucking my wife, you asshole."

With that, Brian hung up on Derek and tossed the phone on the foot of her bed. He started walking towards the door, but then turned around and removed his wedding ring, tossing that on the foot of the bed as well.

He walked out of the room and Emily sank back into her pillows, unable to control her tears. A few minutes later the phone on the foot of her bed started buzzing, but she couldn't bring herself to answer it.

She didn't want to hear Derek tell her he loved her, because it didn't matter now. She couldn't stomach an apology, because those words couldn't possible help or contain this mess. She hadn't just gotten tossed off the back of a crazy, wild ride. Her whole world was crashing down around her, and she was the one who was going to end up totally alone.

* * *

><p><em>AN - Don't hate me! I know this one was a doozy, but there are many more chapters to come, so remember that!_


	6. Chapter 6

_A/N: Thanks for all the reviews from the last chapter. I wanted Derek and Emily to not seem as in character. Affairs have played a larger part in my life than I would like. I've seen them rip people apart and I've seen people become completely different than who they or I thought they were.  
><em>

_We're switching perspectives for a bit.  
><em>

* * *

><p>2016<p>

That first time with Emily in New York was completely unplanned. Hotch had gotten the call that Jack needed surgery and looked at Derek who was standing nearest to him and said, "I need you to go to New York and help present with Emily at a conference." Derek had only gotten excited about the prospect of seeing her when he was already on the plane heading for New York. Then he'd spent time with her and realized she was everything he wanted out of life and everything he was missing. He hadn't lied to her when he exited that hotel room after they slept together; he wasn't sorry in the slightest about what had transpired between the two of them.

That should have been his first clue that he was already someone he didn't recognize. The old Derek Morgan would not have cheated on someone, would not have let himself get into a position where cheating felt okay enough to not be sorry.

Los Angeles was like a dream, and Montreal was like another plane of existence. If she had said in Montreal that she would leave Brian, he would have walked away from Savannah, walked away from the house, walked away from anything in order to have Emily and keep her. But she hadn't said that. She'd said they needed to take a break and figure out what they really wanted.

That was the point where he should have said he already knew what he wanted. But he kept quiet because he didn't want her to feel pressured.

It wasn't long after he returned from Montreal that he got the sense that Savannah knew what was going on. For someone who had spent the better part of his adult life profiling people, or behaving differently based on a situation as needed, he couldn't for the life of him figure out what had tipped her off at first. He finally settled on the fact that he'd become comparatively passive and less emotionally invested when she got irritated by his late hours at work. He knew there was another option out there who wouldn't have a problem with his career choice, and started reacting differently when Savannah said anything, even though he thought he was playing it off well.

He didn't think she knew for certain it was Emily, but he did believe she thought it was someone who surrounded the conferences he went to. She started checking up on him more. Some nights she said she couldn't find her phone and needed to use his. Some nights she conveniently left her laptop charger at work and asked to use his laptop to check her email or look on the web for things.

These were behaviors she'd never had before, and he started racking them up in his mind. Given that fact that he and Emily never communicated outside the conferences, he wasn't worried, and handed his phone or laptop over without a blink, but it didn't seem to ease her suspicions.

He cared about Savannah, but he wasn't devoted to her. He'd tried for over two years to find that level of devotion and had come up short. What he was devoted to was a forward motion in his life, but the lines had been blurred. He was living with Savannah, but the emotionally positive, forward motion in his life was Emily. Still, when he left Montreal, he got the distinct sense that Emily was going to try and make things work with Brian for awhile before coming to any decision, and he tried to do the same with Savannah.

In his mind, he gave himself four months - four months where he would dedicate himself to Savannah and try not to think about Emily, and then he would reassess.

What he felt by the middle of July was that it wasn't going to work with Savannah no matter how hard he tried, and she absolutely wasn't who he wanted. He started preparing himself for an exit strategy, preparing his mind for what he would tell Emily in October. He became even less available and more emotionally shut off at home. At first, he was passive, more than that, he was being a coward, and he knew it. In hindsight the best thing would have been to tell Savannah right away that it was over, but instead, he worked longer hours, slept on the edge of the bed at home, and tried desperately to hang on until October when he could talk to Emily.

By August, he'd had enough of that, though. He was disgusted with himself. He started looking for apartments and got ready to tell Savannah that it was over and he was moving out. It took him a couple of weeks to find the courage to ultimately hurt this person who he did care about. He came home from work one day, ready to tell her, and instead, Savannah told him she was pregnant.

He couldn't understand how that happened since she had an IUD, and they'd barely had sex in the past few months. He thought back and realized it had only been twice. And though he knew it only took one time, and though she'd told him that those things happened sometimes and she'd had the IUD removed when she saw her doctor and everything looked great, he still didn't totally believe it. When he thought back to those two times, when he was already slightly emotionally shut off from her, there was much more coercion on her part to get him to comply. He was a stupid fuck for giving in, he knew that, too.

There was a part of him that wanted to use his FBI badge, call Garcia, find out any proof that Savannah had had the IUD removed long before she got pregnant, but how would it possibly make a difference in the present?

Instead he plastered a half-fake smile on his face and hugged Savannah and told her he was happy. In truth, he'd always wanted to be a father, but he'd never wanted to be one with her. When he thought about raising a family, there was only one person he saw in that equation, and it was Emily. And even if it wasn't Emily, he wanted to have a child in a home where his or her parents weren't arguing so frequently.

He couldn't move out then; he couldn't walk away from his child.

He'd started several emails to Emily on his work computer, and even dialed her number several times from his work phone before hanging up. He couldn't find a way to put into words what was going on and what he was thinking.

_Savannah's pregnant now. I'm sure the baby's mine, but I never wanted this and never agreed to this and it happened anyway and I don't know what to do now. I think she got pregnant on purpose because she suspected I was having an affair and might leave her._

He never followed through with that communication because it all sounded too horrible to say from a distance.

October rolled around and there was a case that prevented him from getting to Los Angeles on time. Instead, he took an early flight on Saturday morning and glared the entire time at the seat in front of him trying to figure out how to tell Emily. He felt almost physically ill with his reality by the time the cab pulled up in front of the hotel. The carefully scripted story in his head was right there on his lips, but then he saw her in that presentation room, and that story was lost in oblivion.

Every single thing he wanted was right there standing in front of him, and he was trapped in a life back in DC with someone who he was pretty sure had manipulated him. He couldn't totally blame Savannah, knowing that that manipulation had come on the wings of her suspecting he was having an affair, but it was still awful. And now an innocent child was going to be dragged into the mess. Every part of it felt like someone was continually pummeling him in the gut.

He was a coward again, and he knew it. And he was selfish. He took the few hours he had with Emily and tried not to think about Savannah and the life he was destined for because of a child he wanted with a woman he didn't want, and because he'd grown up without a father and didn't want the same thing for his child.

They talked, and he was evasive. When she said she had a job opportunity in DC, his first thought was concern. There would be no ability to be secretive if she came back, and he would be losing the very thing he was holding onto for his sanity. He felt like the biggest jerk ever when that thought crossed his mind.

He was so hopelessly lost that it almost felt like a gift when his time in that hotel room was up and he had to leave for the airport because he no longer recognized who he was, and he didn't like himself at all. He loved Emily so much it physically hurt him to walk away. And he was a man who rarely cried, but once he got into that cab, the tears were in his eyes; once he was on the plane and thankfully saw that the seat next to him was empty, the tears flowed. It was a red eye flight, he had to get back to work and he should have slept, but he never closed his eyes.

For six hours he sat on that plane and he alternated between quiet remorse and tears.

* * *

><p>Thanksgiving came and he knew based on an evite invitation that Emily and Brian were going to JJ's. Then the snowstorm came and he and Savannah couldn't get out on their flight. He desperately wanted that time in Chicago over Thanksgiving, because if there ever was a woman who could help him weed through this mess, it was his mother. She'd think he was terrible, but she loved him and would help him. But their flight was canceled and they drove slowly home through the storm. When he awoke the next morning, Savannah had her phone in front of her.<p>

"I texted JJ to see if we could join in there for Thanksgiving."

There was an undertone to her voice, or maybe he was just paranoid. He knew Savannah had seen that evite, too, and she knew Emily was there. Maybe she was happy to have the opportunity to drive a virtual knife into Emily, or to have her suspicions confirmed. Derek tried for damage control. "We could stay here. We could have a quiet Thanksgiving just the two of us. It will be our last one." He flashed her a smile, hoping it looked genuine, but inside he was dying.

Just then, Savannah's phone rang, and he knew his hopes were dashed as he listened to her confirm Thanksgiving plans with JJ. He spent a long time in the shower that morning trying to figure out the best approach. He felt like he needed to give Emily some advanced warning about Savannah being pregnant, because it was evident enough now, but he couldn't figure out a way to do that without jeopardizing her marriage. In the end, when they showed up at JJ's, he tried to greet Emily like she was just a friend he didn't see often, trying to protect both of them. And he knew what Emily was up to as she avoided his gaze and gave him a friendly hug; she was pretending she was someone else, not the real her there in that moment.

But he could see, at least, that Savannah's pregnancy wasn't a surprise to her; JJ must have told her.

For as much as his faking and evasiveness had been transparent to Savannah the previous months, Emily's wasn't. When she introduced herself and hugged Savannah, he saw Savannah's face fall a little, like maybe she'd gotten this all wrong, and Derek had never had an affair, at least not with Emily. It was the thing that gave him the confidence to follow Emily into the kitchen for a few minutes and hush a few sentences out. Emily was pissed off and distant from him in a way that killed him, but he totally understood. He saw it in her eyes that there was a part of her that hated him, and there was no excuse and nothing he could do about it.

When he got home that evening with Savannah, he actually contemplated driving back to JJ's once Savannah was asleep. But Brian was there, and that wouldn't work. Instead, he waited for Savannah to fall asleep and then he went downstairs and sat in the living room, missing the woman who meant everything to him while he was tied to the woman upstairs because of a child. He knew now it was a boy. His son, and he desperately wanted him, but not with Savannah.

He laid there wide awake for hours thinking about what a mess he'd made out of his life based on dishonesty that grew from loving the person he'd always loved, but only getting up the courage to start that relationship at the wrong time, when he and Emily were both committed to other people.

* * *

><p>The phone call came in the middle of the night, ten days before Christmas. He groggily answered without looking at his screen, figuring it was work. He was surprised when an angry British accent greeted him with his name. When that person told him it was Brian, he came wide awake.<p>

"What is it?" Savannah asked.

Derek shook his head at her and departed from the bed, closing himself off in the bathroom.

"Is she okay?" he asked into the phone, dread filling him.

"She's fine now. She almost died, though, miscarrying your child. I hope you enjoyed fucking my wife, you asshole."

He couldn't even catch his breath at those words and before he could say anything else, the phone cut off. He frantically left the bathroom, told Savannah that it was an emergency at work, to which she mumbled a bitter, "Of course it is."

Derek dressed at a rapid pace and got out of the house as fast as he could. He tried dialing Emily back over ten times, but she never answered her phone.

He sat in his office trying to figure out what he was going to do. Savannah had taken some extended time off work to spend with her parents. She was supposed to be flying out the next afternoon, and he was supposed to be joining her five days later. He tried to call Emily on several more occasions, but the phone kept going straight to voice mail.

The next afternoon, he put Savannah on a plane and said he'd see her in a few days. Once she was through security, Derek went to a clerk and asked for the next available flight to London.

He managed to get on a standby seat on a flight arriving in London late the next morning. He'd barely slept for two nights, and he didn't sleep that night either. Once again he found himself on a plane, staring at the back of a seat, formulating words.

* * *

><p>Derek contemplated many things on that flight. He contemplated a sad and scared Emily in a hospital bed. He contemplated a hospital staff that wouldn't let him in the room. He contemplated a rightfully angry Brian whom he could take down in two moves, but who Derek wouldn't touch if faced with that anger. He didn't understand how Brian had known it was Derek's baby that Emily had miscarried.<p>

What he really didn't expect after flashing his FBI badge at the hospital nearest to her flat was learning that Emily had been released, only to find himself at her flat with a huge amount of dread in his heart, and for the person who opened the door to be JJ.

In an instant he knew JJ knew everything.

"Derek," she sighed while shaking her head. "What are you doing here?"

"Is Emily okay?" he asked, ignoring JJ's question.

"She's resting. We left the hospital and came back here and all of Brian's personal things were gone. She's a wreck and recovering physically. Seriously, how did you get here?"

"I put Savannah on a plane to her parent's house and then got on the next available flight here…" Derek took a deep breath before he could continue. "How did Brian know it was my baby and, JJ, you have to understand - I think Savannah knew I was cheating on her. I think she got pregnant on purpose. I absolutely would never have chosen this outcome. I never wanted to hurt Emily. Ever. How did you get here?"

JJ stepped forward and hugged Derek. "She called me from the hospital and I got on the next available flight. I got here late last night and we came home from the hospital this morning. Brian knew because he was sterile. And Derek, I know you, and I know how this must be tearing you up inside. And I'm sorry about that, but I'm pretty pissed off at you, too. You both have the best instincts I know and you stopped listening to them and this is just a disaster."

He clasped onto JJ and nodded at those words. He had a feeling that in the wasteland of unspoken words, he and Emily were both participants who hadn't trusted their instincts, who'd both silently questioned each other without saying the necessary words, who'd both felt like given their circumstances their true feelings were best left unspoken.

They'd both become strangers to themselves and they'd ended up here.

With tears in his eyes, expressing the most emotion he'd ever expressed in front of JJ or anyone else, he looked at her and whispered, "Can I see her?"

"Hang on. Let me ask her."

JJ wandered down the hall and came back a few seconds later and nodded at him.

Derk heaved a sigh of relief and walked down the hall. He found a very pale looking Emily in her bed, and her eyes found his the second he walked in the door. She searched his face and tears filled her eyes; she was sad, but he saw anger there as well, just under the surface.

He was aware that JJ stayed in the doorway, a protective demeanor about her. He figured Emily asked to her stay or she wouldn't have. He took in the blood stains on the bedroom carpet that weren't completely gone and tried to ignore them. He sat on the edge of her bed and reached for her hand.

She didn't reach back, so he settled his hand on the bed instead.

"How are you here?" she asked.

"Savannah left to visit her parents and I got on the next available flight."

"There's no fixing this, Derek."

"Emily," he sighed. "You're right. But I couldn't not come see you and tell you how incredibly sorry I am."

She reached for his hand then, resting hers on top of his. "This was destined for disaster from the start. The only question was who it was going to be the biggest disaster for. We are both assertive, honest people who let an affair turn us into cowardly, passive liars. We never should have done this, but we did, and we have to live with the consequences now."

There was a tone in her voice that he hadn't heard in a long time; the firm, resolute Emily that he didn't realize he missed until that moment.

He looked at the covers where her stomach was and bent his head to rest gently against her there. "I would have wanted this with you without a second thought," he managed to get out.

He felt her hand tentatively touch his head and heard her sniffle, but she didn't reply to that. He had the feeling that it was something she didn't want to discuss with him; a loss she wanted to cope with alone. It was all too much and not enough : He was here because he needed to be, but he also knew he was going to walk out of there without her.

He lifted his head and wiped his eyes. "I made a decision to leave Savannah in July. A month later, she told me she was pregnant. I wanted to tell you, but I couldn't. I should have, but I saw you in L.A. and I couldn't find the words. I lied by omission and I made this mess for you because of it. I'll never forgive myself for that."

He watched her take a deep breath. "It's going to be hard for me to forgive you for that, too. But I spent the past three weeks thinking what I would have done if the tables were turned, if I was pregnant with Brian's child and knew I needed to say goodbye to you. I'd like to think I would have told you right away. The old me would have. That woman in that hotel room in Los Angeles in October? I'm not sure she would have. We both became people we didn't recognize by then. I want the old me back, and I'll get her back somehow."

Derek bent his head and kissed her gently. "I never wanted to hurt you," he whispered against her lips.

Her hands came up and rested gently against his cheeks, then her thumbs trailed down his face until both were resting against his lips. "I know. I never wanted to hurt anyone, either. But that is the nature of affairs. I thought at the beginning that it was either going to hurt me or ruin me. When Brian called you, I thought that was it, that I was ruined. But I've been thinking about it, and being ruined by this is a choice, and it's one I'm not going to make."

He silently stared at her for a long time, searching for a way out of this awful situation and only coming up with dead ends. He was amazed by her strength, and in a heartbreaking way, falling in love all over again, because there in that bed was the woman he loved that he hadn't really seen much since they started this. He nodded his head and touched her face. "I know you won't be ruined by this. You're so strong. Don't you ever forget for a second that I love you."

It took her a long time, longer than he would have liked, but she finally said it. "I love you, too."

They said their goodbyes in a way they should have in October, if he had just been honest. If he had been honest, she wouldn't have gotten pregnant, she'd still have Brian and he wouldn't feel so terribly guilty. His arms went around her and she squeezed him back. "I wish…" he started to say.

"Don't," she interrupted firmly. "I can think of a million things you'd wish, but it's only going to be harder to move forward with your voice echoing those wishes in my head. I'd rather not hear them."

He nodded and kissed her neck and cheek, inhaling the scent of her for what felt like the final time. It wasn't quite her scent; there was a slightly antiseptic smell from the hospital there, but he stayed with his head against her neck until he was able to inhale and cling on to the true essence of her.

"I want you to go now," she finally said to him, each word like a knife in his heart.

He released her and stood from the bed. With a final glance he turned to walk towards the door and saw JJ with tears in her eyes.

"Derek," Emily called.

He turned to look at her and watched her try to find words. "That man I knew when we worked together? That's the man your child deserves. You find him inside of you again," she finally whispered.

He nodded at her and felt like he was going to lose his balance. "I will," he whispered.

He walked out of the bedroom with JJ at his heels, not quite totally believing he was walking away. It felt like a nightmare and all he wanted to do was wake up, be back in that hotel room in DC the night before Emily left for London and beg her not to go.

When he got to the front door and reached for the handle, he saw a hand reach out and press against the door, blocking his exit. He didn't turn around because JJ's body was preventing him from doing that.

Without meeting her eyes, he heard one of the most honest people he knew whisper, "We've seen a lot of parenting situations in our careers. Sometimes the most traditional ones are the worst; sometimes the less traditional ones have surprised us. A couple of years ago I gave you the wrong advice. I told you that if you wanted to make things work with Savannah, you needed to try harder, so you had her move into that house. And that wasn't enough for her, so you quit a job you didn't want to quit for her, and that still wasn't enough. You shouldn't have to be the only one trying and changing and a baby shouldn't feel like a prison sentence. If you feel it is one, explore some other options, because you have them."

Derek stepped back from the door then and pushed gently against JJ's body so she'd step back and he could turn around. "What are you saying?"

"If you truly believe Savannah got pregnant on purpose, you're going to be bitter and that's not a healthy situation for this baby. You landed here on a river of shitty lies, and it's time to clean up your mess, but be smart about how you do it in order to make the best situation for that baby."

He nodded and whispered, "Thank you."

JJ reached to give him a hug. "You were idiots, and you were a colossal fucker for not telling her in October, but I heard what she said in there, about becoming different people, and I don't want to punch you as much as I did when you first showed up at this door. I love you both. You call me if you need to talk," she whispered.

At first, on his flight back, Derek's thoughts drifted to mourning the baby he didn't even know about who was now lost. Then his thoughts drifted to Emily, who he'd left in that bed when she told him to leave. He was shaky and nauseous and on the verge of tears.

But then he got himself together and his thoughts alternated between thinking about Emily's face and words, and JJ's words. He'd heard what JJ said, and he knew what he was probably going to have to do. And Emily was right, neither of them were the people they were back when they spent that day in Central Park, and even at that point he was pretty distanced from the person he was back when they worked together.

He was so different that he allowed himself to think of Emily's passivity and complacency back in October as love, when it reality it was fear and insecurity. And Emily Prentiss was not insecure, not the old her. And he wasn't a giant asshole, not the old him.

Emily said she was going to find herself again, and he'd told her he would do the same. And he would. That road probably wouldn't ever lead to Emily, but if they both did that, they might end up on a road that lead to genuine happiness. Even if they never saw each other again, that was an outcome and a path Derek could live with that didn't feel like such a devastating dead end.


	7. Chapter 7

2017

Derek got through the holidays. That was the best description he could give. He got through and wondered when the best time to have a serious conversation with Savannah would be. He wasn't being a coward any longer; he just didn't want to unnecessarily stress her out given the fact she was pregnant with their child.

That sentiment seemed genuine to him, the real him. Whatever awful, torn-up paths had lead them here, they were there now. He was trying to be true to himself given that reality.

The first week in January, he had a meeting at FBI headquarters. When it was over, he wandered down to the BAU. He caught a glimpse of Reid and knew they weren't off on a case. He tried to circumvent awkward conversations. He wasn't sure how long JJ had been in London, nor the excuse she'd used to be there. He knew she hadn't likely aired all their dirty laundry, be he had the sense that any member of the BAU would at the very least ask him how things were going, and he didn't have an honest answer he could give them. He quietly snuck into JJ's office.

When he first entered, her eyebrows raised and then her face settled into a loving smile. "How are you?" she asked.

"Hanging in there. Kind of. Actually, I'm horrible," he said.

JJ stood up and closed her office door. She stood behind the chair he'd flopped into and wrapped her arms around him from behind. "Horrible is not what I want to hear."

"How's Emily?" he asked.

JJ let go of him and came to stand in front of him, leaning slightly against her desk. "She's okay, but Derek, when I said I was here to listen if you needed to talk, I didn't mean this. I don't want to be your go-between. That would be me helping you betray yourself and it would be me betraying Emily. I'm not going to do that. If you want to know how she is, get yourself to a place where you can ask her yourself."

He looked at JJ. She was right. She was tough and she was no bullshit, and she was right. "What if she won't talk to me?" he asked.

"That's between you and her. I think she'd be more likely to talk to you if you could do so out in the open, but I'm not sure. I listen to her and I'll listen to you, but I'm remaining impartial in this. I want you both to be happy, and that should be independent of each other. Have you talked to Savannah?"

Derek shook his head. "I will, though," he said quietly.

"Do I need to beat your ass until you actually get the balls to say anything?" asked JJ with a smile.

Derek managed a grin. "I already hurt one person so badly. I don't want to hurt someone else."

"You hurt one person badly because you weren't honest when you should have been. Ask yourself if you're doing the same thing now and what that's going to look like if you hold it in until it implodes."

Derek stared at her and nodded. "OK. I'll talk to her."

He stood to go and JJ said, "Like, yesterday, Derek. Talk to her. I don't know when you lost so much confidence in yourself, but it's painful to see. You really do have the ability to do this. It's not going to be pretty, but you'll be better than horrible soon after. That I can promise you."

"Do you really think so?" he asked, his heart hurting again.

"Yes."

Derek nodded and left her office, staying close to the wall, and quietly made his way out of the BAU. But when he was in the parking garage, he heard a familiar beat of heels behind him. He turned to look and saw Penelope standing there with a sad, anxious look on her face.

"So I was a complete jerk. JJ took off for London and I snooped. I saw Emily's medical records. I took a stab and put some guesses together. I questioned JJ when she got back, and she was very good about not saying anything much. But something about Emily's behavior at Thanksgiving made me think whatever was going on involved you. I tried to call you, but you haven't been answering my calls. And you're still my best friend and I love you no matter what and I'm worried."

Derek blinked back involuntary tears. He missed Penelope Garcia every day. He missed the whole BAU. In fact, he knew if he'd stayed there instead of moving to the DC field office, this mess would never have gotten so big because the people who knew him so well would have called him on his bullshit a long time ago.

Still, he just couldn't re-hash the whole thing in the moment. "Penelope, you know I love you. You're my best friend, too. But I just can't. Not right now. You can go to JJ. You can tell her that I told you it was okay for her to tell you. I'll text her if you want. But I just can't talk about it right now."

Penelope stepped forward. She nodded her head and touched his cheek before she hugged him, concern and love evident in her face and voice. "OK, Derek Morgan. I'll wait. I can wait until you're ready to talk about it."

* * *

><p>Derek went back to the DC field office the rest of the afternoon and did his job. His performance in the past couple of months had been lackluster at best, but for the past two weeks he'd been trying to rebuild the trust and respect his agents had built in him. It had taken just under a year, like Emily had said. He'd lost a little footing in November and December, but he was determined to not lose anymore.<p>

He went home that evening and found take-out on the counter and Savannah at the kitchen table with her laptop. She watched as Derek got himself a plate of food. As soon as he sat down, she said, "So I've been looking at these nanny websites, and the whole thing scares me. I was thinking that I make enough money that you could stay home with the baby, for at least a couple of years."

Derek quietly laughed around his forkful of chow mein. "I make enough so you could stay home, too, Savannah."

"That's not the same, and you know it."

"Why not?"

"I'd lose my seniority. I'm moving up at the hospital and I'd have to start from ground zero again. You could pick up where you left off without a problem."

"That's not entirely true, but it's not the point. I can't keep doing this. I should have told you that a year ago. More than a year ago. My career is as important to me as yours is to you. We can't fight about perceived semantics anymore. You have to take that as fact, because it is fact to me."

Savannah stared at him. And Derek called up every feeling of calm and every ounce of strength he had at the same time. He relied on the fact that under this web of lies he was a good person, and Savannah was as well. "I had an affair. I know you know that," he said softly while meeting her eyes.

Savannah cleared her throat. "With Emily?"

"Yes. I had an affair with Emily, and you had your IUD removed without telling me and that's how you got pregnant," he said just as calmly.

Derek watched her eyes fill with tears. She didn't say anything. When she was able to gather some words, they started as denial, but Derek shook his head at her. "I'm being honest right now; do me the courtesy and give me the same."

Savannah looked down and whispered, "I did."

"When?"

"Last May."

He wanted to beat his fists on the table and scream at her, but he got himself together. Anger wasn't going to get him where they needed to be. He took a deep breath. "That makes me angry. I don't like it and I think it was a low move to bring a child into this world as a means of manipulation and revenge, but I understand how your thinking I had an affair pushed you to that point. I regret not being honest with you a long time ago. So this is where we're at. I care about you. I want to be a father. But I don't want to be a parent with you."

Savannah's mouth opened in shock. "You can't do that."

"Actually, I can. And in the long run, I think we'll both be happier. You're going to hate me for awhile, probably, but you deserve happiness as much as I do, and we don't make each other happy. You think about that. Do I really make you happy or does the idea of me being exactly what you want make you happy, and you're sad and angry when I don't deliver?"

Derek looked away from her then, with the tears falling on her face and the shocked and angry expression. He pushed food around his plate and let his words settle in. He felt again like someone was pummeling him in the gut.

It took her several long minutes before she said anything. "What exactly does that look like, if you don't want to be a parent with me?" she finally asked.

"We come up with a co-parenting agreement. Split custody that works for our schedules. I'll stay in this house, in the guest room, until the baby is consistently sleeping mostly through the night. I'll be here through that. We'll find a nanny. We'll adjust our work schedules around whose night it is to take the baby. When he's no longer an infant and you no longer need my support during the night, I'll move out and we'll make a plan that works for us."

"You grew up without a father for almost half your childhood," said Savannah vindictively.

"And that's why this child won't. I'm going to be there when this baby is born. I'm going to make sure my name ends up on that birth certificate. If you try to take him from me, I'll take you to court. But, Savannah, I want you to think about this. You don't want that. I don't want that. Whatever brought us to this point, we both want our child to be happy. And we can do that, if we're amicable and have his best interests in mind."

She sniffled and tried to catch her breath. She narrowed his eyes at him. "We're not married. I could disappear right now."

"You wouldn't. Your job and your life is here. I was terrible first, but you followed right behind me. And now there's a baby and I know the lies have been eating you up inside just like they've been eating me up. We're not these people. You're a good person. We're not a good fit for each other, but you are a good person and I care about you. I think we can raise an amazing child even if we're not together."

Savannah shook her head at him. "Are you going to go running off to _her_ as soon as I let you go?"

Derek shook his head back. "I'm not doing this for her. I'm doing it for me. I'm doing it for you and for this baby. I'm not thinking about dating. Will I see Emily and talk to her? Maybe. Will you and I both eventually date other people? I'm sure we will. But that's not where my head is at right now. I want complete honesty. I want us to figure out a way to tolerate each other and care about each other given the reality that I'm absolutely not going to be staying in this house for the long term and raising a baby with you like this."

"What about the house?" she asked.

"It's yours."

"Just like that, you're letting it go?"

"Savannah, when I first asked you to move in here it was because I thought it would help us stay connected because of my travelling with work. It didn't really help. I switched jobs, and that didn't really help. Tonight I came home and you told me I could easily just stop working and stay home with the baby. I feel disrespected, and as a result, I disrespected you in the worst way by having an affair, but that all stops now. I know you love this house. If you want it, it's yours. I want our son to have two homes with a yard. I want you to find a way to be on board with me and make his life good, despite the adult mess I started and you helped create because we just weren't honest with each other. I don't want that to be his burden."

"But I love you, Derek," she cried.

"No, you don't. You love an ideal of me that you can't have no matter how hard I try. You deserve better. I deserve better. We can find that if we let each other go."

Savannah stood up from the table and pushed back on her chair forcefully. She didn't say anything else. He heard her stomp up the stairs and the sound of the slamming bedroom door.

The whole conversation went a little better than he'd actually hoped.

He couldn't eat. The whole thing was still awful, but it was an improvement. It was a path to getting back to the man he once knew. It felt awful in the present, but it was honest. It was a life he could live with.

He cleaned up the kitchen and went upstairs. He didn't go into the bedroom. He didn't get clothes to sleep in, and he didn't get his toothbrush. Instead, he went to the guest room, stripped down to his undershirt and boxers and laid down on the bed. His natural instinct was to go into their bedroom, hug Savannah, tell her he was sorry and hadn't meant a word of it, but that type of thing was what had gotten them to this point.

He held back, and he fell asleep with the hope that the truth actually would set them both free with time.

* * *

><p><em>When his legs couldn't take it anymore, he moved Emily away from the wall in his hotel room in Los Angeles and carried her to the bed. His muscles were aching and he loved every minute of it. He tried to lay her down gently, but failed. She fell back onto the bed and he pulled out of her and she hissed and then laughed. <em>

"_Smooth move," she said with a smirk. _

_He laughed too and crawled over her, but she pushed on him and he complied. He laid on his back and she crawled over him, straddling him and taking him in her hands, finding the right position before sinking down. _

_He groaned and she smiled and placed her hands on his chest, moving up and down on him. She sighed and moaned, but the smirk never left her face. "What's that look for?" he managed to moan out. _

_She laughed again and leaned forward to kiss him, only breaking her rhythm a little. She gasped out, "I made a bet in my mind, how many minutes you could keep me up against that wall. I'm smirking because you didn't make it as long as I thought you would." _

"_Now you've done it. You've challenged me," he told her, a laugh in his throat and a smile on his lips. He pushed on her shoulders and sat up with her. He used all of his strength, lifting her and never losing contact with her. He had her back up against the wall in seconds and she laughed again. _

"_I'll have to remember to challenge you more often," she sighed as he started moving his hips again, ignoring his weak muscles. _

_He could see her clearly, her legs wrapped around him, one arm around his neck and on arm flung up against the wall, her head moving side to side and uncontrollable moans falling from her lips. _

_I've never seen anything more beautiful in my life, he thought in that moment. _

He startled awake when the alarm on his phone started going off. He was hard and his heart was racing and it took him a second to remember where he was. In the guest room, in his house that he'd renovated with care and handed to Savannah on a silver platter the night before as an offering so they could find a way to raise their child together. Separate, but in peace.

Everything about him deflated at that memory for a moment, but then hope found him again. It was a new morning, he'd said what he needed to say. For the first time since leaving Los Angeles the past October, he didn't feel completely horrible.

He got up and knocked softly on their bedroom door before opening it. Savannah was awake, sitting on the edge of the bed.

"Sorry," he said softly. "I just need to get some clothes."

He felt her eyes following him across the room. "I'm so mad at you. And I'm so mad at myself," she whispered.

He faced her and nodded. "I feel the same way, but anger doesn't last forever as long as we keep talking."

She shook her head at him. "I'm not so sure. But I thought about it for half the night. I don't want to let you go, but I do want our child to be happy. So I'm going to go with this for awhile and see where we end up."

Derek stepped forward then. He wanted to kiss her head. He wanted to hug her. His instinct was to make her feel better, but it wasn't appropriate given the circumstance. He settled for touching her shoulder. "I think we both care about each other enough that we want each other to be happy. It's going to take time to let that settle, though, the idea of being happy and not being together."

She nodded and wiped the fresh tears from her eyes. He wanted to say he never wanted to hurt her, but that was a shallow phrase. If he never wanted to hurt her, he would have ended things long before they got this far, he wouldn't have slept with Emily. He was delusional during all of that; he wasn't anymore.

"I'm sorry you're sad," was what he finally settled on.

She nodded and stood up, going to the bathroom. He saw the door close and heard the click of the lock.

It didn't bother him. He knew this was going to have ups and downs. For the second time in a month he was saying goodbye the right way, and delicately navigating through the fact that there was a baby in the equation.

That morning, before he left for work, he sent an email to Emily. It was short. _I just want you to know I can be here for you if you need to talk. _

She never answered.

* * *

><p><em>Their bodies were slick with sweat and Derek loved it, how his body slid easily over hers, how she responded to him, how being with her made him feel. As demented as it would have sounded to anyone else, he loved that they could talk about the darker aspects of their work, and the next minute be all over each other. And that's exactly what had happened in that bed in the hotel room in Montreal. <em>

_He looked down at her face, how her hair was a mess under her, how she was moaning and begging, "Please," and he said it again. "I love you." The dam had been broken on their not saying that phrase the day before, and he'd said it several times since then, and every time it felt better coming out of his mouth. _

_She stopped moaning and looked into his eyes. She smiled. "I love you, too. But if you don't make me come soon I'm going to go certifiably insane." _

_He laughed and moved his arms to hitch her legs up higher on his torso and started moving again. She fell apart soon after that and it was always so hard for him, to keep moving and not stop and watch her. _

_He'd never felt anything like that before in his life, how he felt with her. And he wanted it all, but didn't know how to play his cards right to get her._

Derek startled awake from a dream again. It was the middle of February and the guest bed had started feeling like home. JJ had been right. He got totally honest, and things got better. They weren't great, but each day he felt like Savannah moved away from the "I hate Derek Morgan" platform and closer to the "We can be amicable and figure out a way to raise this child" side of the pendulum. There were little things that added up to that reality. They both stopped living like lovers and started living like roommates. There were no assumptions about take-out or making dinner. At first, he came home and she'd have dinner for one at the table. And he started taking care of himself in that manner as well.

Some nights she'd stay closed off in the bedroom, but some nights they'd watch TV together. That started happening more frequently as the weeks went by. He'd ask her how she was feeling. He'd take care of her within reason, by getting up to get her another glass of water, or making popcorn when she asked for it.

With firm boundaries, with care, they were slowly becoming friends.

Her parents flew out the first weekend in March, and she asked him to leave, preferring to explain the whole situation on her own. He wasn't sure what she told them, but he felt confident she hadn't totally thrown him under a bus. He stayed with Penelope that weekend, and told her the whole mess. Sometimes she smacked his arm and sometimes she cried, and she shook her head a lot, but in the end she hugged him and made him feel like he wasn't alone, and that her friendship and love was unconditional.

The next weekend, he flew out to visit his mom and he explained it all to her. The fact was not lost on him that on this very weekend the year before, he was with Emily in Montreal. The thought made his heart ache again. His mom was who he counted on her to be. She didn't like it, she was appalled at first by his behavior, but she accepted the reality. She hugged him and assured him he was a good person and that he'd be a good father. And that she loved him.

Between all of that, he kept a careful eye on the Department of Defense website, waiting for Jeb Hansen's job posting to appear. It never did, which led him to believe that Emily had taken the job. He didn't reach out again, but he wanted to. He wanted to be there for her so badly that sometimes he felt like he might be having a heart attack, the way his chest seized up with emotion. But he'd reached out and she wasn't answering, which meant she didn't want to talk to him and he had to accept that reality, too.

April came and the due date approached and Savannah started smiling around him again. For awhile he looked for ulterior motives, like all of this was a ploy to reel him back in, but that wasn't it. She'd accepted this and they were friends, he realized. With the pressure completely gone, with no one he felt like he needed to apologize to for a late night at work, with no more expectations that he was falling short of and with Savannah accepting the reality, they both started feeling happy again.

He wasn't in love with her. There was no thought of starting over, or trying again, or anything like that. But Derek was getting hopeful that maybe this kid was going to make it just fine with an untraditional family, but two parents who loved him, lived separately, and got along.

They attended birthing classes. They went out for coffee after. They talked.

One night, a week before the baby was due, she asked him why. Why he'd had an affair.

And he was honest. "It started because I wanted one night with someone who knew everything about me and accepted me as I was."

Savannah nodded. "I was awful about that."

And Derek reached over and touched her arm. "You weren't intentionally awful. I think my job is the type where it's difficult to understand unless you've been there. Emily had been there and it made it easier. But Savannah, I want you to know that there's someone out there for you. We're going to be all tied up in this baby soon, but don't let go of that. You are a good person. Don't ever think that the terrible thing I did was because you aren't a good person who deserves love."

Savannah blinked back tears and nodded. She touched her bulging stomach and said, "I did a terrible thing, too."

Derek shook his head. "The deceit of it was terrible. This baby isn't. I have confidence in us. We're going to be okay and he's going to be great. We have to let all of the past go now."

"But in six months or so you'll be moving out?" she asked.

"I will. But I'll only be a phone call away if he's sick or you need me. And I'll have him half of the nights. Just like the parenting plan we signed stated, Savannah. This is it. It's our reality. It doesn't matter who started it or what I did versus what you did. We're going to have a son that we both love in a way that's different than a lot of families, and that's okay."

"I want you to have the house," she said quietly.

"No," he responded instantly. In his mind what he was thinking of was a day far in the future when maybe Emily had forgiven him, when they started over in a different way where they were both true to themselves. He wasn't giving up on that hope and he needed a fresh start. "The house is yours, Savannah."

"Then I want to refinance and give you your half. Derek, I'm serious. I don't want a handout. I don't need it."

"Okay," he told her. "We can figure that out. Let's just let him get here and we can figure that out before I move."

* * *

><p>"<em>Are we even allowed up here?" asked Emily as Derek guided her to the roof of the hotel in Los Angeles. <em>

"_Emily, you run the Interpol office in London and I run the FBI field office in DC. I'm pretty sure we're not going to get busted by a security guard." _

"_I've never been much good at breaking the rules," she said as he pulled her through the door and onto the roof. _

_Derek started laughing at those words, and she joined in a second later. All they'd been doing that whole long weekend was breaking rules and it was crazy that the thing she was objecting to was climbing onto the roof of a hotel. _

_When they calmed down, Derek spread the hotel blanket out and laid down. He patted the space next to him and Emily laid down as well. _

"_What are we supposed to be looking at?" she asked. _

"_Smog, apparently," he said. And they both laughed again at the hazy dark night. _

_He rolled onto his side and looked at her. "I hate that this is our last night here." _

_She turned to look at him. "Me, too." _

_He thought it then, how he wanted endless nights with her forever, but he didn't say it. He kissed her instead. He kissed her and coaxed her out of her clothing and made love to her on that roof of the hotel in Los Angeles, with the hazy sky above them and sadness about the goodbyes they'd have to say the next day. _

On April 14, 2017, Joseph Christopher Morgan was born. Joseph was for Savannah's grandfather. Derek didn't care about names. He looked into his son's eyes after he was born and vowed he was going to be the best father. He was kind towards Savannah and they smiled at each other. But there was no embrace, no loving exchange between two parents who were going to spend their lives raising a child together.

Derek was comfortable with that, and Savannah was at least resigned to it. She was happy and loved her son as well.

Derek was right there when the social worker came in and watched as both of their names were written down on that birth certificate form. There was no questioning that this was his son; he looked exactly like Derek even in infancy.

He took three weeks off work and fell more in love with his baby every day. They put the bassinet in the hallway between the bedroom and guest room and Derek stirred the second he heard the baby start to fuss. He helped. He was a loving friend to Savannah, and he was an excellent father to the baby he started adoringly calling Joey. And sometimes JoJo when Savannah wasn't around because she hated it.

They refinanced. Derek took the money and put a down payment on a house with an in-law unit just about five minutes away from Savannah's house. He moved his mom into that in-law unit, an eager grandmother who was happy to serve in the role of nanny and who respected the choices Derek and Savannah had made in order to raise their baby right, even if it was different; a woman who understood the occasional late night given Derek's career, and someone both he and Savannah knew would love Joey unconditionally.

Three months later, when he felt like his and Savannah's paths were no longer precarious, when he felt like he'd done everything he possibly could to make sure his son would have two loving parents who got along, when he felt like the man he once was so many years before, Derek got onto the Department of Defense website and found Emily's new email address. He asked her if they could talk. He felt comfortable reaching out again because he hadn't had a dream about her in a month, and he thought he could count on the current him not being blurred with the past him, the person neither he or Emily recognized.

He sent it in the morning, and he waited for several hours for a response. Around three o'clock in the afternoon, he got an email back. "Would you show this email to Savannah?"

"Yes, I'd show it to her," he replied back.

"I could do lunch on Thursday."

Derek smiled and felt tears in his eyes that he blinked back. He'd see her on Thursday. Even if they could only ever be friends, he wanted her friendship back as the Derek Morgan and Emily Prentiss they were so many years ago.

He wanted her back in his life in whatever capacity she was willing to be there.


	8. Chapter 8

_A/N: As a people pleaser, the mixed reviews on this story have given me a lot of discomfort, but also a lot of satisfaction. I knew I was going down a rabbit hole when I decided to write a story about an affair, a topic which usually makes people wildly emotional. Affairs are never pretty, and no one comes out unscathed, few go into them as themselves, and even fewer come out of them as themselves. I love the feedback, both the happy and the incredulous. So, thank you! _

* * *

><p>2017<p>

There was a reason why one of the first things Emily did at Interpol was increase the standards for therapy for people who had to go deep undercover, and why she grilled those people hard when they came back: Ask anyone who had been involved in a deep, dark undercover operation for extended months how it changed his or her life, and you'd be hard pressed to find someone who was either alive or sober.

That's what Emily thought about on Christmas Eve, when JJ was gone and she'd scurried into Interpol to retrieve the huge stack of paperwork that had piled up.

What an affair, an atypical miscarriage and an impending divorce had taught her was that she was no better than the few people left alive that she knew who had turned to alcohol or other means of escape when faced with the devastation of having to pretend to be someone else, someone they loathed, for an extended period of time. They often came back a shell of themselves, and most did not fill that shell with the true or best version of themselves because that version couldn't be found anymore.

But Emily had managed it, once. She'd found herself again with the support of six people, she'd created a version of herself that she was proud of. And then she lost her again. She'd tried to fuck her way into sanity and into her old self with the one person who truly knew the old her, the one person the real her had loved and trusted for a long time, and she'd ended up at the bottom of an abyss that she was going to have to claw her way out of just like anyone else who had never properly dealt with his or her crap.

She didn't have a lot of people to turn to in her current life. In fact, in London, she had exactly one person. There was a chance he'd be condescending, and he'd probably be drunk, but he would listen. So, after a week of trying to catch up with work, a week where Brian showed up to collect his larger items, left the divorce papers on the counter, and couldn't look her in the eye, she thought about Clyde Easter. And early on New Year's Eve, several hours before the clock turned and it became 2017, she showed up at his door.

"Emily," he said in surprise. "I was about to go out."

"Well get over that thought, because over a decade ago you pointed at me and said, 'You're it,' and it changed me, so you're going to be spending your New Year's Eve with me as I wade through a mountain of shit. Just stay sober enough to give me something, please."

She watched Clyde take in her face, Clyde who was actually a nice man who had been ruined by his career. He blinked at her and touched her face gently and nodded. He let her in and retrieved a glass for her and poured her a drink. He sat. He let go of his plans and he listened while she told him the whole, awful story.

It wasn't the same story JJ knew. It wasn't a story that started in New York at that first conference with Derek; it was a story that started at the moment she learned Doyle had escaped. It was the moment when she had to let go of the person she actually liked and become someone else again to survive, where she had to go into hiding, and then come back to find the people she cared the most about partially lost to her, because she was partially lost to herself. It was a story of loss that started long before she and Derek started.

And it was all tied together. Because she'd loved Derek in a different way than she'd loved the rest of the BAU for a long time. She'd never admitted to herself back then, because as much as she loved him, loving someone that much scared her. She found excuses that that love was wrong or wouldn't work, she'd never really even called it love to herself, but she'd never let it go, and she knew that now. It was the reason she was thinking about him while writing her wedding invitations, it was the reason her heart sped up when Derek danced with her at her wedding, it was the reason that she'd given in and slept with him after she'd only been married for six months.

Clyde listened to her for over an hour. Near the end, he moved from his chair and came to sit next to her on the couch. He put his arm around her. "I'm so sorry, Emily," he whispered.

"I don't want your apologies. I want you to tell me what to do," she whispered.

"You could do what I do. Have another drink!" he said while taking a huge swig of whiskey.

"Seriously, Clyde," she said.

"I'm the last person you should ask if you want to know how to make your life truly pure and genuine," he told her.

"You're still alive," she said to him. "If you had to go back to the point you changed, what would you tell yourself?"

Clyde was quiet for a long time. Finally, he whispered, "This is hard for me, because it means I'm going to lose you at Interpol, but what I'd tell myself would be to go back to the place I felt the best about myself, where I had support and love, and figure out how to be that person again."

Emily pulled away from him and stared. She conceded the fact her true self already knew. She needed her family. Not Derek necessarily, but the rest of the team. She needed to go back to that person somehow and find her way out and into a life where she felt like she was actually herself, someone she respected and was proud of.

"Thank you," she said. She stood up after that and said, "I should let you go out."

"And I will," Clyde said with a smirk. "But, Emily, I want you to remember just one thing. Don't give up on yourself. I get back to a person in me that I moderately like, then screw up and give up. Rinse and repeat. It's an exhausting cycle. You did the same thing; your cycle was just longer that mine usually are. So when you get to the screw up that might happen, don't give up. Don't let yourself get lost again."

His words were slurred, but she heard the sentiment. She nodded and left his flat.

She didn't know what she was going to do about Derek, or if there was anything that could be done. They'd both become people they didn't know. They'd both loved the idea of each other as the people they used to be. Emily knew she did, and she thought that was probably true for Derek as well. They'd both changed by the time that conference in New York happened, because the Emily and Derek of four or so years before that conference would have never cheated. But that part didn't matter now. She had to figure herself out first. She needed to heal within herself before she could even consider him.

The next day she called Jeb Hansen and said she'd take the job in DC. On January second, she gave Interpol her official two week notice. It was a wildly short notice for her position, and she didn't need to get to DC until April, but she needed to get out of London and get back to herself. And she needed her family to do that, people who would call her on her bullshit until she was strong enough to do it on her own.

Derek emailed her, but she was no where near ready to talk with him. She couldn't involve any part of herself with him until she could look herself honestly in the face again. She ignored the email.

She spent a week packing up her flat and shipping things. She emailed Brian and said there were some boxes of his things. He came and picked them up when she wasn't home.

She booked an appointment for the week she returned with the psychologist Hotch had ordered her to see after Doyle was dead, when she'd come back from Paris. She actually liked that therapist, whom she'd lied to back then. She was going back to set her own personal record straight.

The first Saturday in February, Emily boarded a plane for home.

XXXXXXXXXXXX

To say her life in those first couple of months in DC before she started at her new job were a roller coaster was an understatement. She lived in a hotel for awhile and eventually found herself a small condo for rent near the building she used to live in. The domestic part of rebuilding her life again was a distraction she welcomed, as she shopped for things. But everything else was hard-core reality. And every time she saw a baby, she felt a pang of loss in her heart.

She'd called Brian before she left London. It took him several days before he returned that call. She honestly answered every question he had. That sad man who had now been burned by two women made her heart break. There weren't enough apologies in the world to help him with that, and part of her just wanted to fix it all for him, but she couldn't.

She had her first appointment with her therapist. She'd requested a double appointment and basically recited verbatim what she'd told Clyde. The whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

Dr. Williams sat there and listened neutrally. She absorbed it all and asked Emily, "If you had one thing you felt you needed to work on first, what would it be?"

The words fell from her lips and tears filled her eyes. "The miscarriage. I feel like I've stopped myself from mourning a loss because it wasn't just mine. I thought I wanted to work through it alone, but really I wanted to work through it with Derek."

"And do you think there's a time and place you can see yourself doing that in the future?"

"Possibly, depending on where he's at, but not now."

"We're going to have to figure out a way to work through it in here. You're going to need to."

Emily nodded. "I know."

Dr. Williams nodded. "What else?"

Emily looked at Dr. Williams. This was why she was there, to say this out loud to an impartial person where she didn't have to feel as ashamed. "I was mad at Derek for not telling me Savannah was pregnant. I still am. I feel I deserved that level of honesty, which is absurd since we were both lying to the people we were actually committed to. But I know at that point that if he had told me, that person I was then would have slept with him anyway to say goodbye and the same thing would have happened. When I first found out, I was angry and told myself I wouldn't have slept with him under those circumstance, but that's not true. I would have. And in a lot of ways, that would have felt worse to me. So there's a little part of me that's glad he didn't tell me because I didn't have to feel as guilty. And I could put a lot of the blame on him. I came here because I realized that was what I was doing, trying to foist the blame of everything totally on his shoulders, when the truth is that the person I always thought I was, the one who I liked and respected, would have looked him in the eye back at that first conference in New York and told him no. And then none of this would have happened."

Dr. Williams nodded. "Admitting that was difficult for you, I can see that, and we'll work through it. You can't turn back the clock and you're going to have to forgive yourself in order to move forward, but our time is almost up. Let's talk about what you can do in these next few weeks. You're here to find that person inside yourself that you like and respect again. Is there anything you can think of that's concrete that you can do?"

"Reach out and be honest," said Emily. She'd known it from the beginning. She'd left the BAU and gotten on that initial flight to London with a mountain of doubts; she'd come back to DC with virtually none. No one can exist alone. She'd tried that for a few years, and even with Brian she still felt alone because he was the concession to a life she didn't really want but falsely felt she needed. Brian would likely have not been attracted to the 2010 version of Emily, the last time she felt good about herself. She was fine professionally in London, but personally she was a mess. She was already milder, slightly insecure and lonely when she met Brian, and that was the person he fell in love with.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Emily didn't find herself at JJ's because she knew JJ was talking to Derek, too. She knew her secrets were safe with JJ, but she also felt bad about burdening her with double doses of crazy details and emotion. In her past, if she needed to talk, Derek would have been the next logical choice, but that was currently out of the question.

Her third week back home, on a Friday evening in February, she found herself on Rossi's porch. She rang the doorbell, and when he opened the door, the tears came without any control. This was the man who knew her whole story from before about her pregnancy and abortion when she was a teenager, who had never judged her, who had loved her and respected her despite her shortfalls in his own even and stoic way for years.

She found herself sobbing out the story again, in the arms of a man who felt like a brother, who never let her go, who cried with her, who knew the old her and didn't have any competing interests; he just cared about her. Rossi had enmeshed himself in the minds of the worst people in the world and had several failed marriages and many more failed relationships to show for it. He understood. He may have had plans that weekend, but he never let on. He invited her to stay, he listened to all of the gritty details of her truths.

She ended up staying at his house for the weekend; she left no secret behind. Dressed in his sweats and cooking food together, she started with Interpol and Doyle and ended in the bed in her flat when Derek came to see her. She told him about how insecure she felt when she first started at the BAU, and not quite sure who she was, eventually finding a person in her that she liked, and then losing that person again. She told every dark thought, every embarrassing truth, every devastating reality. And David Rossi never faltered in his support of her.

While her sleep the past few months had been interrupted by dreams about her time with Derek, nightmares about the miscarriage, and fantasies about a future with a baby and Derek that was no longer a possibility, she slept soundly in Rossi's guest bed.

He gave her a hug and a kiss on the cheek on a sunny, cold Sunday morning when she told him she was ready to go home, holding onto the discoveries she made while talking with him. She walked out of his house feeling loved and heard and like she had a family, the family she'd left but that was still there for her. She walked down his long driveway towards her car and she found herself flopping back into a pile of snow again. In a couple of weeks it would be a year since that snowmobile ride with Derek.

She looked up at the sky and whispered, "I'm going to be okay."

She said it louder. "I'm okay!" she shouted. And then she laughed because she felt ridiculously silly and pleased with herself at the same time. The sound of her laughter startled her ears; it had been a long time since she'd heard it.

And Emily Prentiss came back into herself in that moment.

XXXXXXXXXXXX

April came. She'd spent a lot of time with Rossi, JJ and Reid. She'd seen Hotch and Penelope. She was laughing again in a way she hadn't consistently done in a long time. She had at those conferences with Derek, but in terms of day to day living, her laughter had been sparse since she'd initially left for London, and even that year before she left it was fake a lot of the time.

Everyone knew now. She hadn't told them all, but she had the feeling that everyone had the basic understanding of what had transpired between her and Derek. Everyone still loved her; and they all still loved Derek, too. And she wanted that. There were no rules for what they'd done because they were playing a fixed game where there could only be losers already; there was no hierarchy of rights and wrongs. There was accepting the reality and moving forward without keeping score. Derek deserved their love as much as she did.

She wasn't lonely anymore, and she didn't feel like such a stranger to herself.

When she saw Dr. Williams at the beginning of April, she knew Savannah was likely due soon, but she also knew Derek was making forward motions to raise that baby separate from Savannah. JJ didn't tell her, but Penelope did. Penelope was more forthcoming with information about Derek than JJ was. JJ was solid and supportive, but felt like they needed to fix their own mess; Penelope wanted to fix things for them, so she shared information she probably shouldn't. She also told Emily that Savannah had gotten pregnant on purpose.

It was one of those things that mattered and didn't. She was still only focused on herself, and she was happy. The stressors of moving from an FBI agent to the head of Interpol, where her staff was questioning her ability, didn't happen when she moved to her new job. People respected her immediately. And she felt strong again. Just her. Emotionally, mentally and physically strong. It was strange that in the middle of all of that realization was the fact that Savannah was close to or already had given birth.

She talked to Dr. Williams about how little that bothered her, and how disconcerting that was.

"Emily," she said, "You've always prided yourself on being independent and strong. You can question that, or you can look at it as a triumph, that you've finally reached that point where you're independent and strong again, despite what else might be going on in your world."

Emily mulled over those words for awhile. "I still don't know how I feel about him. The me that feels good still loves him, I think, and I don't know what that means."

"The important thing is that you love yourself. As far as loving Derek is concerned, you have to make sure the version of him you love is the version of him that helps you hang onto yourself, the person in you that you like."

Emily nodded. She knew that was true.

She crafted several emails to Derek, but didn't manage to send any of them.

She sat on those drafted emails for months while her life moved forward in a positive way. She was so strong by the middle of June, after Jeb Hansen had officially retired and she was running things on her own, that she felt like she could have dropped herself in the middle of a situation like Ian Doyle and come out emotionally intact. Through her BAU family, she knew Savannah had had a boy. She knew his name. And she was still okay.

She got past her due date at the beginning of July sitting in a chair in Dr. William's office with surprisingly few tears. They'd spent a lot of hours talking about her miscarriage. She'd admitted that there was a part of her that wished for that exact outcome a couple of times because it would have made her life easier. She got past the guilt of that. She relived the whole story of the miscarriage a few times, and it hurt less every time she discussed it. She'd given up on the idea of children and motherhood a long time ago. In fact, before Brian had asked her to marry him, they'd had many discussions about children and she told him she was well beyond wanting kids. That was both true and not true. She would have been fine without kids, but then she got pregnant and miscarried. She had a few weeks where she wanted that baby a little bit, and then that future baby was gone.

She mourned that loss alone and came out alive and strong on the other side. She still felt like she needed to talk about it with Derek, now that she wasn't so mad and hurt.

When Derek's email came a few weeks later, she considered it for several hours. She'd been wanting to talk to him and was reluctant to take that first step, afraid that seeing him might shatter her a little and she didn't want that. She didn't feel that way anymore; he couldn't shatter her.

She knew her truth. There were two things that had caused her to push him away: One was the fact that he hadn't told her about Savannah's pregnancy and she'd told herself in the moment that that would have changed the outcomes for her, the other was that he was having a baby with someone else at all. The latter was the truth; the former was smoke and mirrors to deflect from her own shortcomings.

She'd admitted it to her therapist, to JJ and to Rossi. She knew it without a doubt. That woman back in that hotel room in Los Angeles the past October, the woman who had become so codependent she was waiting for Derek to make a decision that would move them forward instead of just making the decisions she needed to make for herself - _that _version of herself would _not _have told him right away if she was magically pregnant with Brian's baby. She would have slept with Derek one last time to say goodbye even if he had told her about Savannah. In the race to become unrecognizable, they tied. They'd both been dishonest with people they cared about to get to that point. She was hurt that she'd fallen under that umbrella with Derek's dishonesty. But they were both delusional at that point, and her shit didn't smell any better than his when push came to shove.

One of the things that had come out of her mouth in Rossi's kitchen back in February was the fact that she felt that even if Derek had told her, if she hadn't gotten pregnant, that version of herself might have actually still met Derek in Montreal again in March, despite Savannah's pregnancy. It was an awful, shameful truth to admit, but it was the truth.

Derek had been a coward, and he had been selfish, but she'd been a coward and selfish, too.

The miscarriage had been devastating, but she would have walked out of that hotel room pregnant no matter what. He should have told her about Savannah being pregnant, absolutely. And she should have told him she was pregnant right away so she didn't have to steep in that frightening reality alone for several weeks. She'd kept telling herself she was waiting for a certainty of a baby's heart beat, but she couldn't really imagine she would have told either him or Brian right away. She would have lost Brian either way eventually.

They might have to deal with all of that at some point, but not now, not over email, and not even in person right away. There was only one thing important to her in the moment, and that was whether or not talking to him would have to be a secret, because she was done with secrets.

He told her it didn't need to be and she decided she wanted to see him. Not to fall into his arms, not to love him again the same way she had, but because he was part of her story, part of the person she was re-discovering, and she didn't want to shut him out anymore. She wasn't sure that this version of herself, the one she liked and respected again, could love Derek Morgan, or even like him. She had no idea what role he'd play in her life in the future, or if he'd play any role at all, but she was willing to see him.

She agreed to meet him for lunch.


	9. Chapter 9

Summer/Fall 2017

Emily's hair was different. It was cut in a similar style to the one he remembered from when he first met her, but it was slightly shorter. She was in a suit and looked both familiar and changed. This wasn't a woman who would blush and look down if he made a suggestive comment; this was a woman who would tell him to fuck off and figure out his shit. And he loved seeing that in her again, and he loved her and his heart hurt at the sight of her.

She sat at an outside table at the restaurant near her office and didn't stand when he arrived. She gave him something that looked like a cross between a smile and a look of uncertainty and gestured for him to sit.

"It's really good to see you," he sighed out as he sat down with butterflies knocking around in his stomach.

"I'm not sure how it feels to see you. What I thought about seeing you and meeting for lunch is different than how I felt when I actually saw you." she said.

He nodded at the honesty of those words. He had the feeling that he was at an interview, a feeling that his every gesture, every word was under scrutiny. And he understood why. He deserved her hate, but she didn't hate him, he could see that.

"Emily, I just want you to know I'm so sorry. July came and I knew what that meant and I was really caught up in my own self and didn't want to be anymore. I waited for you to reach out to me, and I didn't want to reach out again until you did, but I couldn't hold back anymore. Maybe that was wrong. I should have waited for you."

She didn't melt at those words. She didn't smile again. She considered him with a serious look on her face. "I thought I let go of the part of me that was mad at you, and now I'm realizing I haven't."

This wasn't a virtual pummeling in his gut, it was a sledgehammer driven hard right into his soul. He searched hard for words.

"I dreamed about you every night for months. They were dreams of the time we spent together. There were a lot of feelings there, in those dreams, but all of that wasn't the real me, and it wasn't the real you. I waited until those dreams were gone before I tried contacting you again. If you accept any part of me in your life again, I want it to be the real me."

She stared at him, a look of disappointment on her face. He realized he was still being selfish. He cleared his throat and tried again. They were the words he'd been saying in his head for the past couple of days since she'd said she'd see him, the words he needed to stay that scared him because he could honestly see her hearing them, standing up and walking away forever. But he said them because he needed to own up to his faults and she deserved to hear them. He spoke quietly so he wouldn't be overheard, but he spoke genuinely.

"I was a coward. I was weak and I was wrong. Even if I hadn't told you in October because I was selfish and scared, I should have told Savannah at Thanksgiving when that flight was canceled. I should have told her there was no way in hell we were going to JJ's and why. And then I should have come to you when you were just a few miles away and told you the truth about what was going on. But I didn't do that. When I found out you had miscarried when Brian called, my first move should have been to tell Savannah right away. I shouldn't have pondered anything. I should have told her and gotten on the next plane. I shouldn't have waited a day until she was safely gone. I should have been there. I was selfish and trying to hold onto too many things at once, and faced with the lies and reality I didn't want to accept, I held onto the wrong thing before I fully considered you the way I should have. I loved you the most and I treated you the worst and I was the world's biggest, selfish prick."

She didn't walk away. She took a deep breath and nodded her head at him, like he'd finally spoken the truth she wanted to hear, as the waiter came to take their orders. Derek wasn't hungry at all, his heart was hammering and it was taking everything in him not to break down and cry. But Emily ordered her lunch and he did as well.

Emily cleared her throat. "I spent a long time with 'what if' scenarios. I tried to put myself in a position with different outcomes. But they're a waste of energy. There's only the here and now. I am mad, at you, and at myself."

"I can think of a million reasons you're mad at me, but why on earth are you mad at yourself?" he carefully asked.

"Because I knew something was wrong when you first showed up in Los Angeles, and I just let you..." she trailed off and cleared her throat again. "I didn't ask, I didn't stop you. I'm mad at myself for being so passive. And I'm mad at you for being so silent."

The words came before he could think about them, and that's how it should have been. "And I'm mad at myself for how I read that situation in my selfishness and hopelessness. I'm mad because I let myself believe you were behaving that way because you loved me. I was delusional and disgusting and I couldn't see the truth anymore, and if anyone deserved my truth, it was you."

He said it and he saw it then, how she stood there, how her eyes were concerned and sad, how he slowly stripped off her clothes and she let him. She never said to stop, but it was so wrong in so many ways. The person he was in love with, the real Emily, wasn't in there in that room at all. The profiler in him saw a passive woman who was broken and scared and worried and he continued anyway. The man he thought he was would not have done that.

She regarded him for a long time before speaking. "I should never have let myself get to a place where I'd passively just let that happen. I got myself to a place where I felt so paralyzed by the idea of losing you that I lost myself, which is so wildly unhealthy and not me. But it happened."

"And I was an asshole who saw that passivity that should have made me stop and be honest and tell you what was going on, and I didn't. I was awful. I was so torn between what I wanted and what I was tied to that I let it cloud my judgement in the worst way."

"Would you today?" she asked.

"No. And I'm fairly certain the Emily I'm looking at right now would kick me in the balls if I tried."

She smirked a little at that, but then her face got serious again. Their plates were set in front of them and the waiter walked away. Emily didn't touch her food, she just kept staring at him. He couldn't get past her eyes, the eyes he loved that carried so many mixed emotions when she looked at him. He didn't even know how he was supposed to eat; he felt like any bite he put in his system was going to come back up.

"I can't eat," he said. "Can you?"

"No," she said.

"We could walk instead."

Emily nodded and gestured to the waiter. She asked for to-go bags. They split the bill. They started out on the sidewalk, each carrying the lunch they couldn't stomach, and headed towards a greenbelt with a path.

"How are things at work?" she asked.

"Good. Better. What about for you? How are things with your new job?

"Great, actually. Really great. I love it there," she said, with a real smile.

"That's good to hear. Where are you living?" he asked.

"A block from where I used to live," Emily replied. She was quiet for several long seconds. "Where are you living?" she finally asked.

"Still at the house, but not for long. I bought another place not far from there." He paused. She didn't want to hear about his domestic life right now. "I'll tell you anything you want to know, but I'm not going to say anything more about that part of my life unless you ask."

Emily nodded her head. It was a warm day at the end of July and the sun glinted off her face and hair. She walked next to him, a mixture of sadness, tension and confidence.

"Are you getting to see the team often?" he finally asked to bridge the silence.

"I see JJ and Rossi a lot. The others sometimes. It's been good for me. What about you?"

"Mostly Penelope and JJ. Hotch and Reid probably as much as you do. Not Rossi much. He's my friend, but I know through Penelope that you've been talking to him often and I wanted you to have that support just for you."

She glanced at him then, a jumble of thoughts evident in her eyes, but settled on, "He's been a good friend to me. He's been what I needed."

"I'm glad," he said, and he was glad. Truly glad that she had support and love.

Emily sighed deeply. "I feel like I want you to have a picture of what that miscarriage was like, Derek. I feel like you need to share it with me even though you weren't there. I feel like in order to completely move on I need to mourn that loss with you, and I don't know how to get to a place to do that, because I'd have to open myself up to you again, and that idea scares me a little."

He felt the tears in his eyes and he didn't blink them back. He stopped walking and turned to face her and she stopped and turned herself as well. He let her see it all, and they weren't tears for the mess he'd made for himself - for the first time in a long time there was no selfishness in his feelings - they were tears for her, this woman he loved and had hurt so badly.

"Emily, I spend time every day just wishing I could go back and do it differently. You deserve to be angry. In all of this, you deserve to be the angriest because we both did something wrong, but I was the most wrong, and you lost the most because of it." He paused and looked at her. There were tears in her eyes as well. She looked around and found a bench and walked towards it and he followed.

They sat down, both of them sad, both of them searching for words. He risked a touch on her shoulder. "Emily," he continued, "Whatever you want to tell me, I'm there. I want that. It shouldn't just be your burden to work through. It's my loss, too. I want to share it with you and be there for you whenever or however you'll have me. And if you need to let me in to do that, and then tell me to get the hell out, I'll do that."

Her tears dried up and she nodded at those words. "We were both a mess. I think I've forgiven you for a piece of that but not all of it. I will acknowledge that what you did isn't worse than what I might have done back then, given a different scenario. The problem was we both lost ourselves, and we both loved the people we used to be. And in the middle of that, you fucked me over. I'll admit that's because I let you initially. We were both strangers to ourselves. That doesn't excuse you or absolve you of anything, but it's the truth."

Derek rubbed his hands up and down his thighs and bit back the bile in his mouth again. He saw himself on his knees begging for forgiveness. He saw him wrapping his arms around her and holding on until she held him back. But that was all for him and it was wrong. "What do you need me to do?"

"I want to walk you through it. I want you to live it with me. I want to cry and let go with the person I should be crying and letting go with. And after that, I don't know. I want you to carry the burden you should have carried with me and then I need you step back and wait for me to contact you again. And I need you to accept that fact that I might not."

He took a deep breath to combat the sob that threatened to overwhelm him. He needed to give her what she needed and he had to accept that he might lose her forever. He took a deep breath and told her, "I can do that."

She looked at him. "I think I believe you."

* * *

><p>Emily didn't want to talk to Derek about the miscarriage in her home. She didn't want to have to look at anything that reminded her of what might transpire in that conversation; she'd created a comfortable sanctuary for herself in her condo and she didn't want him anywhere near it. She spent a few days making sure she actually wanted and needed to walk through this with him at all and decided she did. Whatever they'd done to get them to that point, that miscarriage was a loss they shared. She was going to have to open herself up and let him in. She was good now, she was strong, but the fact that he'd never had to deal with this the same way she had bothered her and it was holding her back in some ways.<p>

Nine days after she'd met him for a lunch neither of them ate, on a Saturday evening, Derek met her at Rossi's. Rossi had left the house to them and she didn't bring Derek to the living room, a place where she was totally comfortable, she brought him to the den, a place she'd never really spent any time.

She sat next to Derek on the couch. "I found out I was pregnant at JJ's, the day before Thanksgiving," she started. She watched him listen to it all - how scared she'd been, how she'd found out Savannah was pregnant on Thanksgiving morning, how she'd thrown up and then talked to JJ. He listened to how angry she was, how devastated, how much she hated him in that moment.

"I told myself that I'd never have slept with you if I knew Savannah was pregnant, but I'm not sure that's true. It's probably not. And it doesn't matter anymore. The fact is you didn't tell me and we slept together and I got pregnant." she told Derek calmly.

She walked him through those three weeks back in London. She admitted wishing for a miscarriage, and that's when her tears started. "But there was a part of me that wanted that baby that was part you and part me. There was a part of me who wanted him or her a lot."

It was that point that she reached out to him and took his hand.

"On December fifteenth, Brian was at a dinner at work. I wasn't feeling well so I stayed home. I thought I had the flu. But then I saw the blood and there was so much, so fast Derek. It was like every sin we'd ever committed was pouring out of me and I couldn't do anything to stop it. I crawled to the phone to call an ambulance, and Brian walked in then. I woke up in the hospital and Brian was there and he was furious and he called you."

Emily sobbed then. They were tears she'd held in reserve to share with only him. And he cried with her. She leaned against him and he put his arms around her. She was finally mourning that loss the way a part of her needed to.

"Did you really almost die?" he asked her quietly after several long minutes when they'd both calmed down some.

"I was septic, I lost a lot of blood, but I didn't code in the ambulance or anything. It was a good thing I lived so close to a hospital, though." she replied.

She felt him nod against her head. She became aware of the solidness of him, of his beating heart she could feel pounding in his chest, of his deep breaths as the tears he'd shed with her slowed.

"Why didn't you tell me at Thanksgiving?" he asked.

"Because I hated you in that moment and I hadn't had time to absorb it myself yet."

"Emily," he whispered, "I'll never forgive myself."

She was quiet for a long time at those words. They'd both done their fair amount of suffering in their owns ways. She searched for vindictiveness inside herself, any part of her that wanted to tell him he should suffer and never forgive himself. It wasn't there, not because she was passive, but because it was truly how she felt in her heart. "You have to. We both deserve to move on. I've forgiven myself even if I still feel the loss. You have to, too."

They were quiet for several more minutes. Emily assessed herself and realized she felt done. There wasn't anything more she wanted to discuss with him about the past at the moment. There was only so long they could continue to steep in the misery they created and she'd done what she needed to do. She wanted to collect herself and think and she wanted to do that alone. "I'm ready for you to go now," she said.

He nodded, released her immediately and stood to go. She could see in his body language that it wasn't what he wanted to do, but she'd told him what she needed, he showed up, and he listened, and he was leaving because she asked him to. She watched him from the doorway, but when he got to the driveway, he turned back around, a sad but solid version of himself, a person she recognized, and he said, "That awful, altered version of me loved you, and the man I thought I was that I'm slowly getting back loves you, too. But I'm going to let you go if you want me to. I won't contact you again unless you reach out to me first. "

Emily took those words in. She wasn't entirely sure how she felt. He wasn't just Derek anymore. He had a son, and she couldn't let Derek back into her life, even as a friend, without being okay with the fact that he was a father. She appreciated his honesty and support and his willingness to respect where she was at, and that's the best she could do in the moment. "Thank you for this, Derek," she said before she shut the door.

She contemplated going home, but found herself exhausted, good but exhausted. She climbed her way upstairs with both a heavy and free heart, and crawled into the guest bed at Rossi's that was comfortable to her. She slept soundly.

The next morning she was happy to find herself still feeling good and strong. And after that, her therapy sessions changed. She'd often kept coming back to that miscarriage because she truly was missing talking about it with Derek. With that accomplished, she was able to focus on other things.

She occasionally talked about the possibility of letting Derek back into her life. She mulled it over with her therapist, with Rossi and within herself for several weeks. She didn't talk about it with JJ because over the course of the past couple of months, she'd realized she just wanted her friend JJ back, not JJ as secondary therapist.

"Why would you want him in your life, Emily?" her therapist asked.

That was a difficult question to answer. She had to be sure she wasn't kidding herself, so she thought about that for awhile. She finally came up with an answer a few weeks later. "I think it's because this person I am now reminds me very much of the person I was a long time ago. That woman had a very good friend named Derek Morgan, and not having him in my life feels like a loss."

She told the same thing to Rossi, and whereas her therapist made her work through things with guidance, but on her own, Rossi gave her tangible advice.

"I think, Emily, that if you ever are at a point where you're willing to see him again, or try to be friends, you won't have to think about it. If you hesitate, then you know it's the wrong thing for you. You might get to the point where you don't hesitate, or you might need to accept the fact that it's always going to be that way and let him go."

* * *

><p>When Derek first left Rossi's house that night after talking with Emily, he'd pulled out of the driveway and parked his car a block away on the street. He sobbed and pounded his steering wheel and screamed at himself, and felt like he just wanted to die. But as those tears subsided, he took some deep breaths and slowly drove home.<p>

He gathered the broken pieces of himself as best he could, and he accepted the reality that standing there in Rossi's driveway may be the last time he ever saw her. He tried to take that in and move forward with his own life in a healthy way, but there were nights on end where he laid in his bed and clutched his chest because of the loss of it all, the loss that he could and should have altered the outcomes of long ago.

He started seeing a therapist, which was the last thing he'd ever thought he'd do in his life. At the initial appointment, he told the story, acknowledged that he was the worst culprit in all of this. He absorbed the reality of that and started working through it. He started forgiving himself slowly, because Emily was right that he needed to. It was the most difficult thing he'd ever done.

When Joey was just over four months old, Savannah told him he could move, that she could handle the nights on her own, that she was ready for their split custody agreement of every other night. As Joey grew, they'd split those nights in longer increments, but for now they didn't want him to be without either of his parents for more than a full day.

Derek was ready to move. He loved his son, but he wanted to get totally away from Savannah. He'd held a lot back to get to this point. He'd wanted to fight and scream and pound the walls at Savannah, which would have lead her to pound and scream at him, too, but it wouldn't have gotten them to this place. And as much as he loved Emily, and as much as he was sorry and sad, the reality was that as a result of all of that mess there was a baby who needed both him and Savannah to be cordial. So he'd done what he needed to do to get them there.

But the truth was, whenever he looked at Joey, he cried sometimes. He had a son he loved, and a baby he'd lost. And he'd lost that baby with the only woman he could ever actually see raising a child with. It was enough to give him a headache and make him lose his breath when he went too far down that path in his mind. Sometimes when he held his son he was overwhelmed by guilt that nearly brought him to his knees, that he had this and Emily didn't.

In September, he sat down with Savannah and told her the whole, real story. He had talked with his therapist about this, and he felt that by not owning up to the full truth with her, about how awful he'd been, he was getting a pass in a lot of ways. He told her and she was initially horrified, and disgusted with him, but eventually she said, "I was a player in that mess, too." And she had been, but that was because the weak, awful version of himself let her be.

The second weekend in October came and it took everything in him to not reach out to Emily, to just make sure she was okay. It made it harder because he'd called Penelope to see if she was available to hang out, and learned that the team was on a case, which meant Emily had no one that weekend either.

"She's okay, Derek," Penelope said softly.

"How do you know?"

"That's none of your business unless she wants it to be, but I will let you know that she's doing alright."

He accepted that. He trusted it an accepted it.

In the next month, he started coming to terms with his present life. He could be the man he respected again, he could be a father to his son, and he could do both of those things and let Emily go.

Thanksgiving arrived, and that was the emotional setback for himself he anticipated it being. The team wasn't getting together that year as a large group, Penelope had told him that. She asked him if he wanted to do anything, but he told her he didn't. His mom was back in Chicago for the weekend, Savannah's parents were in town, and he quietly spent Thanksgiving in his own home, alone.

Savannah had invited him to stay when he dropped Joey off that morning, but that would have been beyond awkward with her parents. He went out to his garage and worked on sanding a dining room table he was refinishing. He re-lived his own shameful behavior of the year before.

Late in the afternoon, Penelope showed up in his garage with a pizza box. He saw her there with an uncertain and sympathetic smile on her face and let the tears come that he thought he was finished with. They sat on top of that sanded dining room table with the pizza box between them and didn't say much. She was quiet, reliable company for him, and he was thankful.

The next morning, when he was outside sweeping his front porch and trying to stay busy, his phone rang. He didn't recognize the number, but he answered.

"Hello?"

"Derek?" He heard her voice and sank down on his front steps.

"Emily," he whispered.

"I was thinking about going for a walk and was wondering if you could join me."

His heart hammered hopefully and nervously at those words. "Absolutely. Just tell me where to meet you and when."

He met her outside her building an hour later. She smiled when she saw him, and she didn't look as uncertain. She still looked strong. Bundled in their jackets, they set out for a meandering walk through DC.

"I spent Thanksgiving at Rossi's with Hotch and Jack and a couple of Rossi's friends. I thought yesterday was going to be awful for me, but it wasn't. I didn't just get through it, I enjoyed it. It was hard for me internally in some ways, but I'm still okay," she said.

"I'm glad. Truly happy for you that you're doing so well," he said softly.

"I talked to Brian a few days ago. We've talked a few times. He's healing and doing better, too. He hasn't totally forgiven me and he doesn't have to, but he's moving forward with his life, too."

"That's good to hear."

"And Savannah's okay and you're okay," she stated as fact.

"Savannah seems okay. I'm better. Definitely getting there."

She turned to look at him and said, "It's good to see you. I'm a little surprised by that. I wasn't totally sure."

He smiled. "It's really good to see you."

"Did Savannah really get pregnant on purpose?"

"Yes. I told her I'd had an affair with you about eight months later than I should have. I shouldn't have even walked back into that house after Montreal. But I told her the truth the first week in January and she told me the truth. And I told her I wasn't staying."

Emily lapsed into silence for a bit. "I lost the most and it didn't ruin me."

"I knew it wouldn't when I came to London and talked to you."

"I wasn't going to let it, but I wasn't sure what it was going to look like, getting through this. I'm pleased with who I am now."

"I'm starting to like myself a little more, too. It's hard for me to let go of the guilt, but I'm starting to forgive myself," he said quietly. "Yesterday was difficult for me."

She turned to look at him and said, "Someday Thanksgiving will just be Thanksgiving again. We won't ever forget, but we won't think about it so much."

He nodded at those words and they walked quietly for several minutes. He wasn't sure why she'd called him, but he was so fucking grateful to be standing there walking beside her, with honest conversation, but no tears, no feeling of throwing up, and surprisingly little desire to want to wrap her in his arms and make her accept him in her life again. He wanted that, but that overwhelming, selfish need was gone.

When they got to a cafe she asked, "You want to grab some coffee?"

"Sure."

They sat in that cafe and talked about work. They had simple conversations about movies they'd seen and books they'd read. They didn't touch on their personal lives at all. But he was happy that they were both able to sit there and talk, eat and drink coffee with no sadness evident in her eyes.

When they set out on their walk again she said, "I wasn't sure I could see you and still respect myself or feel good about myself. So far, so good."

He smiled at those words and his heart soared. "I wouldn't want you to spend time with me if it made you feel badly about yourself in any way."

"I still feel the loss," she said, "but I've forgiven you. I've moved forward with my life and I've found a person inside me I really like again, and I just don't have space for anger or resentment there. That's not me pushing it down, that's me honestly letting it go."

He stopped walking and turned. He put a gentle hand on her shoulder. "I feel the loss, too, Emily. And I don't deserve your forgiveness, but I'm thankful for it."

She nodded at those words and stepped forward and gave him a brief hug. "I think December fifteenth might be hard for me. I'm not sure if I'll want you around then or not. I'll let you know."

"Whatever you need, Emily. I mean that."

"I know, Derek."

They walked comfortably and quietly together back to her building and she turned to look at him. "As far as the miscarriage goes, I think that's the right answer to give me, that you'll be there in whatever capacity I need you. But for other things, spending time with me can't be at the detriment of you either. We're going to have to be able to be honest. I'm willing to try and be friends, but it can't be you appeasing me. We're going to have to find some even footing."

He blinked at her, absorbing those words, and realizing the truth of them. They would have to find some even footing and he didn't know what that looked like. But maybe they could be friends. He was hopeful, but he wasn't going to let himself get lost or obsessed with the possibility.

"Would you like to meet for lunch next week?" he asked.

"Tuesday?" she asked with a smile.

Derek smiled. "Absolutely."


	10. Chapter 10

On December fifteenth, after three lunches with Derek where she was enjoying his company, Emily decided she wanted him with her that day. They were still trying to figure each other out, trying to find a comfortable place, but they were doing okay with it. She'd taken the day off work, and Derek told her he'd take a personal day as well, and she was free to call any time.

She didn't know if this would be the last time she'd say goodbye to the potential of a baby that was her's and Derek's, or if it would be a first in a series of moderately sad anniversaries. She hoped for the former. She decided to live purely in the moment of her feelings.

She invited him into her home this time. She didn't know where they were heading, but she was okay with this man, the changed but recognizable Derek Morgan, being in her space. She'd created a comfortable sanctuary, but it wasn't real unless she lived her happiness as well as her sadness there.

She was dressed comfortably, hair pulled back and no makeup on, when he knocked on her door. She could tell he was nervous and didn't want to make a wrong move.

"Relax," she said when he walked in the door.

He smiled at her and looked around. "This is different than any place I've seen you living. I like it. It's warmer."

She smiled at him, "It is. I like it, too. You want some coffee?"

"No way, but thank you." he said and she raised her eyebrows at him.

"Emily, I hardly need anything in my system that could make me more jumpy and nervous," he told her.

She smiled at him and gently touched his arm. "I have decaf."

They drank their coffee. They talked about that day the year before, and talked about when he came to her flat. She cried some, but less than she thought she would. He cried, more than she thought he would. A lot more than she thought he would. They held hands.

"Why?" she asked him when he calmed down.

He shook his head at her.

"Be honest with me. We're far beyond anything else. Why so many tears?"

"I don't know how to describe for you how I live. What I want at the end of the day is the baby with you that we lost. It's a huge conflict that I struggle with every day. I've forgiven myself for my actions, but I can't let go of the guilt of the results. And it doesn't matter, that's not why I'm here. I'm here for you today and this shouldn't be about me."

She wasn't quite sure what to do with that truth. She asked for it and he told her. This was part of the even footing she talked about. They had to fully be themselves and she had to accept his life now.

"It all happened, and it all matters, your feelings as well as mine. There's no going back in time." she whispered to him.

"Emily, I never thought I could truly hurt anybody, which is how I got stuck where I was. I especially never thought I could hurt someone I truly loved, and that was you, and I did. I know today it's been a year, and at first I was so caught up getting to a good place for my life here because I didn't know what else to do given my situation, but since I saw you in July, I've been mourning that loss I shared with you every day."

She took in those words and took a deep breath, looking him in the eye. "You didn't want to hurt anybody and that's how you ended up stuck with Savannah and in that situation. At first you were totally caught up in making sure you made a good life for your son. His name is Joey. And you emailed me last January and I wasn't ready to talk to you, so you did what you needed to do to make sure Joey had a good life, and I'm glad you did. It was the right thing to do. Where we go from here is fully acknowledging our present. You're trying not to hurt me by skirting around names and realities, and that's never going to work. We've gone to lunch three times and you've been pretending like a huge part of your life, your son, doesn't exist. It's a fast path back to the place we're trying to move away from."

He stared at her and wiped his face, nodding his head at her. "Every time I hold Joey, I feel our loss. When I'm with him, the love and guilt compete so much that I have a hard time balancing it all. That was the round-about reality I was trying to get to before," he whispered.

Fresh tears came to her eyes, but she nodded. "Thank you for your honesty."

"It hard for me, how much I appreciate your understanding that I'm not sure I deserve."

"Yeah, well, get over it. It's the real me."

Derek laughed quietly at those words, and then she laughed, too. She didn't know there could be any laughter in her home on this day. She sat there on her couch next to him, her body facing forward and her feet up on the ottoman.

They were quiet for a few minutes. "Emily, I looked it up online, with a pregnancy calculator. The baby's due date would have been July fourth, right?"

"Yes. Independence Day. There's a sad irony there that I've thought about a lot."

Derek nodded and blinked back tears. "What did you do last July fourth?"

"My therapist let me see her that day. I thought I'd need to cry, but I didn't cry that much actually. I feel the loss more today than I did on that day. I went to my office and wrote you an email that I didn't send. I went to JJ's that night and ran around with sparklers with Henry and laughed some. It was a strange day. What did you do?"

Derek took a shaky breath and looked down, ashamed. "I only looked up the actual due date after I sent you that email asking if we could talk. I knew it must have been close, but I didn't realize I missed it. I was still wrapped up in the wrong things, waiting for things to feel right with Savannah before I contacted you again, rather than focused where I should have been. I'm sorry. So very sorry."

She looked at him, taking in those words. "Last January, Brian was gone and I only had myself to deal with and my reality. You had to deal with Savannah and a baby on the way. I can see how that would be conflicting, and I also acknowledge that because of that I'm a full six months farther along in this process than you are."

He nodded his head. "True. I was still being selfish. That's the truth, too."

"I wouldn't have talked to you that day even if you tried. Just now you could have told me that you cried and mourned that loss to make yourself look better and I would have been none the wiser. You were being selfish in some ways, but at least now you're being honest. I fucked up in all of that mess. You fucked up worse. We're still alive."

He gave her a small grin, still ashamed. She could see that in his eyes. "What did your email say?" he asked.

"I wrote several emails those weeks. They contained pretty much everything we've talked about. Some were angry and some were sad. I'm glad I didn't send them, I'm glad you reached out again last July. We needed to talk through this in person. I needed to talk with you about the miscarriage and needed to acknowledge that I was still mad when I was telling myself I wasn't."

"I'm going to work on not fucking up anymore, Emily."

"You might, though. You've got a lot that you have to balance. I'll let you know right away if you do. If you ever see me passive again, it will be the last time you see me. I'm not going to lose myself. Same goes for you, though. If I screw up, you call me on it right away."

He blinked several times at those words. "Deal."

She assessed herself for a few seconds and said the words aloud before she could think about it. "I'm okay," she whispered.

"You are."

"I'm not telling you, I'm checking in with myself," she told him.

"Oh."

They lapsed into silence again.

"Do you have a picture of Joey in your wallet?" she asked.

"Yes, but not today, Emily." She stared at him and he continued, "Today is just ours. I'll start being honest about that part of my life with you as of this moment, and I'll show you Joey's picture if you want, but not today."

He was doing what she asked, he was not accommodating to appease her, he was standing up for himself for what felt comfortable and right to him. It made her oddly happy, and gave her hope that they could get to a comfortable place with each other where he wasn't tiptoeing around her.

They sat in amicable silence for a long time, drinking their coffee again. She thought about asking him to leave, but realized she didn't want that. All the pieces of herself were still in place and she didn't feel like he had to leave in order for her to make sure she was okay. She was doing fine. She found no anger inside herself; there was some sadness there but she didn't want or need to wallow in it all day.

"Do you know that for the past ten months when I've been talking with Rossi, he's been teaching me to cook?"

Derek smiled at her. "I didn't know that. Are you any good? I'm trying to learn to cook so Joey isn't doomed to a life of take out or him watching my mom cook for both of us. I'm pretty hopeless, though."

Emily laughed. "I'm pretty good. Want to find out?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean walk to the market, get some ingredients, and cook lunch."

"This I have to see," he said with a grin.

* * *

><p>They continued to see each other for lunches or sometimes coffee in the mornings before work. They were not affectionate. There was the occasional hug or touch on the arm. He stopped hiding his home life from her, and she started letting in his reality more. Christmas came and went; she spent Christmas Eve at the movies with Penelope and Reid, and Christmas Day at JJ's. She knew Derek's sisters were in town and he was spending Christmas with them, his mom and Joey some of the time.<p>

The week between Christmas and New Years, while they sat in the corner of a small restaurant near his office, she asked to see Joey's picture again. He handed it over immediately. Initially, she lost her breath, and then there were some tears in her eyes. He looked exactly like Derek, which made it easier and harder. She wondered what their baby would have looked like. She sat there with that picture in her hand, taking it in, letting the feelings rush through her.

After a few minutes, she handed the picture back. "He's beautiful, but I'm not sure how I feel."

She looked in Derek's eyes and saw he was blinking back tears. He took the picture in one hand and reached his other hand out and placed it on top of hers. "I'm sorry."

She nodded at him and thought. It was something that had been bothering her since he'd been in her condo. Finally she said, "I need you to stop apologizing about your son. You've got to work on separating the two, what we lost and what you have. They're different circumstances and the guilt isn't good, for him or you. Or me, if I'm going to part of your life in any way."

"Have you been talking to my therapist?"

She managed a small laugh at that. "No. Two profilers skilled in reading people seeing therapists because they couldn't read themselves enough to not get lost - it's actually kind of funny if you think about it."

He grinned. "I guess. A little. Or it's pathetic. I'll go with your thinking though and find the humor in it.

* * *

><p>The first week in January during lunch he told her, "I think I need time to catch up to where you're at, Emily. You're right that I need to start separating Joey from what we lost. And you're right that you're months ahead of me in the healing process that involved just you and me. I've asked Savannah to take Joey for a week, because I can't do this seeing him every other night, and after that, we're going to try splitting our nights with him differently, a couple days at a time. And I'm going to see if I can get where I need to be."<p>

In that moment, she started fully respecting him again. They were both working on not getting lost and being in a good place, for themselves and, she realized, for each other.

A few weeks passed where they only talked on the phone once, when he called her. She was giving him space this time, and waiting for him to reach out. She missed him.

"It's strange how much of a difference it makes to me that Savannah got pregnant on purpose. It shouldn't. But I was still sleeping with Brian then, and trying to hug the fence of two worlds, neither of which were honest. Derek probably gave as much thought to the possibility of Savannah getting pregnant as I gave to the thought that I could, with Brian, which was no chance. It's confusing," she told Dr. William's the last week in January.

"You've been spending a lot of time thinking this over lately," Dr. William's replied neutrally.

"I still love him."

"What does that mean for you?" she asked.

"I love Derek. I'm not sure I can love Derek as a father. And unless I can, anything else is pointless. It would be a half life. I could be his friend and let that part go, I think. I would have to," Emily responded.

"You've first got to decide if you want to figure that out, then you've got to find a healthy way to do it, Emily."

"I know," she whispered.

* * *

><p>The first Saturday in February, JJ showed up at her condo with take-out Mexican food and the ingredients for margaritas. "Happy one year since you've been home!" she said happily as she walked in.<p>

After food, they were sitting comfortably on Emily's couch, facing each other, each working on their second margarita.

"Thank you for this," Emily said.

"I'm happy you're home all the time, Em. Seriously. I didn't know how much I missed you until you came back."

Emily smiled. "I missed you, too. It's strange, JJ. I came back to find the old me, and found someone different I like more. The old me didn't know how to balance vulnerable and tough. The few times I was vulnerable, it scared me. Now I'm just a healthy jumble of vulnerability, and I'm still tough."

JJ considered that. "I dated Will in secret for a year because telling people would have made me feel vulnerable. After I got pregnant, I still kept him at arm's length in a lot of ways. It took him nearly dying before I agreed to marry him. I don't think you can have the careers we've had and do vulnerability well. Think about it."

Emily thought about it. It was true. Except for JJ, they were all a mess of failed relationships or no relationships at all. "That's true, but you and Will are doing well."

"Only because Henry's older now and his needs are different. I still struggle with vulnerability in a lot of ways."

Emily sat quietly for awhile. "I still love him. I'm not sure I'm ready for the level of vulnerability that would require, though."

"Say that again when you're sober," JJ said with a smile.

Emily laughed. "I'm sober enough."

JJ reached forward and placed a hand on her knee. "Loving anyone means being vulnerable to the potential of both love and hurt. I'm not sure what to tell you. I care about Derek and I can understand why you forgave him, but he's got a son and you've got a road ahead of you to figure out if you can be a healthy jumble of vulnerability with him, my friend. I'll kick your ass if you don't take care of yourself, let me tell you."

Emily thought about that. "I've been thinking about it a lot. I'm not going to rush into a damn thing, but I'm forty-seven years old; I'd be hard pressed to find anyone to be in a relationships with that didn't already have kids from a former relationship. I know it's different in this situation though. But as far as taking care of myself goes, I think I'd kick my own ass first, long before you can get to me."

"Good. Because I could take you, no problem."

"Keep telling yourself that, Jareau."

JJ laughed at that and patted her knee one more time before settling back on the couch. "It's good to have you back, Em. This you. The one that's a little softer, and a little more bad-ass, too. Only you could pull this transformation off, I'm pretty sure. I'm here for you, whatever you want to do."

* * *

><p>In February, she and Derek only had lunch together once. He was taking care of himself and she could see in his body language and tone that he was letting go of the guilt.<p>

Then, in the middle of March, the sat together on a park bench, enjoying the crisp, fresh air. "I've stopped having those mixed feelings of guilt and love when I'm with Joey," he said softly. "It was really difficult for me, but I think I've done it. I haven't forgotten what you lost, what we lost, not by a long shot, but I'm not tying the two together anymore."

She looked at him for several seconds, feeling happy and hopeful. She reached out and touched his hand. "I'm glad," she whispered.

Their lunches picked up frequency after that, and one night in April they went out to dinner for the first time, at a restaurant near her building. He walked her home after they ate and she gave him a hug. After he pulled away, he gently touched her face with his fingers. "Dinner was nice," he said quietly. "Goodnight, Emily."

Her heartbeat picked up, not at the touch, but at the look in his eyes. He loved her, she could see that, and it was different than the love he'd shown her with his eyes before. That ego that she remembered thinking about that she never thought she could honestly love - way back in 2012 the first time they slept together, that had been there each time after in a lot of ways - she looked for it and realized he didn't have that there anymore. He wasn't scared or nervous, and she could see he wasn't holding anything back. Maybe they'd both become altered, better versions of themselves through all of this.

She smiled and said, "It was nice. Thank you. Goodnight, Derek."

She quickly made her way up to her condo to assess herself. She didn't feel lost in any way, but she was going about things in the wrong order. She couldn't put herself in a position to have her heart racing like that unless she could accept the whole him in her life again in that way.

She thought about it for a couple of weeks, quietly pondering it by herself, not wanting to rush headlong into anything. She felt she could come up with a sound decision on her own, and what she decided was that she could neither let Derek in more or let the idea of loving him go without meeting Joey first.

On a warm Saturday in the middle of May, she drove to a park near Derek's house and met him there, and saw Joey in person for the first time. Derek was pushing him in a toddler swing when she arrived. He was a beautiful little boy, just over a year old, and he giggled and threw his head back the higher Derek pushed him.

His hair was a little lighter than Derek's and his ears and eyebrows were different. But everything else - his eyes, his smile and his facial structure - everything was Derek in miniature. She took a deep breath and stood quietly next to Derek for a few minutes. He glanced at her several times, taking in her expression. She watched that swing go to and fro over and over and couldn't help smiling at Joey, who was looking at her curiously while he sat in the swing.

She might be able to do this. She wasn't positive, and it would take time to know for sure, but she was willing to try. Joey was just an innocent baby in this very crazy, grownup mess. She had to separate how he came into this world with what she lost, just like Derek had.

The swing moved towards her and she reached her hand out in front of Derek's and started pushing it. She pushed it a little harder and Joey giggled again. And she laughed, too.

Derek inhaled loudly and turn away from them. She glanced and saw him taking deep breaths with his hands on his hips. When he turned back there were tears in his eyes and a small, hopeful, grateful smile on his face.

She looked back at Joey who was giggling again. "I'm okay," she stated.

"Are you telling me or yourself?" he asked.

She looked away from Joey to smile at Derek. "Both of us."


	11. Chapter 11

_A/N - Sorry for the delay. I took a break over Christmas. Now we're up at our cabin. I didn't think I'd get this posted because there's no internet here, but our neighbor got wifi and is letting me use. Yay! Now I just need to keep the kids from knowing there's wifi because that is not the point of this place. I will type in secret after they go to bed. :)_

_Thank you for the warm holiday wishes. I hope you all had a wonderful, happy holiday as well! _

* * *

><p>July 2018<p>

For the rest of May and June it was still mostly lunches, with the exception that Emily would bring lunch to the park on a Saturday or Sunday when Derek had Joey. There was no immediate connection with Joey that was any different than Emily felt about Henry or Jack. But there wasn't less of a connection either; there wasn't sadness. The first time she saw Joey, she went home and walked for hours after, thinking and making sure she wasn't sacrificing any part of herself by spending time with him. She did the same the second and third time. After that, it became unnecessary.

On July fourth, Derek invited her over to his house in the afternoon, after he'd dropped Joey off with Savannah. Emily felt a little sad that day, but was thankful to see they were both beyond the need to sit together, cry and talk through everything again.

"So I had this idea. I hope you like it. If you don't, we don't have to do it," he told her sheepishly after taking her on a tour of his house.

"This isn't one of your ideas of 'fun' is it?" she asked with a raised eyebrow.

Derek laughed quietly. "Nothing like that. I just feel like we're both doing pretty well now, and I don't ever want to forget, but I like that we're moving forward. So I thought, something to remember that feels positive, where we could both let go and grow at the same time."

He gently took her hand and lead her out of the house and to the backyard where there were two small trees, blooming with purple flowers.

Derek seemed nervous as he spoke. "This type of tree will grow in a pot just fine, and won't be too big for your patio. I thought we could put one in a pot for your place, and plant one in the yard here."

Emily stared at him for several seconds and blinked back tears, trying to get ahold of the rush of emotion she was feeling. She reached her hand up and touched his cheek. "It's a good idea. I like it."

Derek smiled, relieved. "I have a pot for yours right there," he said pointing. "My neighbor said I could borrow his truck and I can drive it to your place tomorrow."

"Perfect," she whispered.

They got to work, transplanting her tree into the pot first before digging a hole in his yard for his tree. When they were finished, they linked their dirty hands and looked at the tree. "How big will it get?" she asked him.

"About five feet tall or so. It will survive the winters here just fine. It starts blooming around the middle of May and blooms through the fall."

"Thank you, Derek."

She felt him let go of her hand and saw him move towards her. For the first time in almost two years, he initiated a hug. She put her arms around him and heard him whisper gratefully, "Thank _you_."

They sat on his back porch that evening, drinking beer and eating take-out. Emily heard a car horn beep from the front of the house, and then saw Fran Morgan appear out of the front door of the little cottage in Derek's backyard.

"I didn't know she was home," said Emily.

"She was giving us space, I think. She's off to volunteer for a shift at the high school firework display. Her church is selling food as a fundraiser."

Fran smiled when she saw Emily and walked up onto the porch. Emily had met this woman one time, over a decade ago, and under horrible circumstances. She was surprised when Fran reached out and gently touched her cheek. "You're a remarkable woman. Derek is very lucky. You carry a gun, and I'm pretty sure this situation could have gone either way," she said with a wink and a grin.

Emily laughed at the unexpectedness of that statement. But then she was further stunned when she saw Fran look at Derek and then back at her, her eyes a little teary. She bent forward and kissed the top of Emily's head. It was very motherly, and Emily appreciated all of Fran's emotions, both her humor and empathy.

"I better get going. I'll see you later," Fran said.

Emily sat quietly for a bit, taking in that exchange. "It must be nice having her so close."

"It is. But she rides me harder than she ever has in my life. She used to hold back a lot of her thoughts about my behavior. Now if she thinks I'm screwing up, she gets right in my face and tells me so. It's unnerving and refreshing at the same time," Derek said with a small smile.

"Have you been screwing up a lot?"

Derek looked at her and quietly replied, "Not lately."

Emily grinned at him. "I agree with that assessment."

Derek laughed. "Good to know."

"You want to go see the fireworks?" she asked.

"We'll see them, but we don't have to go anywhere. Are you done eating?"

"Yes."

"OK. Wait here a minute."

She watched him run into the house. He came out with a blanket, a lantern and a grin on his face. "Grab a couple of beers and come on."

He lead her to the back of his garage and a ladder. She raised one eyebrow at him. "Drinking beer on the roof of a garage. I just had a high school flashback."

He laughed. Emily realized how much she enjoyed laughing with him, and how that laughter had become a regular part of their time together lately - even on this day.

In a flat space of the roof, under the window of the roof's attic, they laid comfortably next to each other on their backs and waited for it to get completely dark.

"Speaking of my fun ideas," he said.

Her head snapped to turn and look at him, in shock, immediately assuming he was thinking about the last time they were on a roof together.

"No, Emily. Not that. Sorry. I shouldn't have said it that way. Hotch and I were talking about taking Jack up to a lake this summer and jet skiing. It's fun, and I was wondering if that might be something you're up for."

"Oh," she said quietly and thought about it. "Maybe." Then she laughed. "But I'm driving."

Derek joined in her laughter. "Deal."

When the fireworks started, they could see them over the tree line of the backyard. Emily watched for awhile before turning to look at Derek. He felt her gaze and turned his head towards her.

"Do you remember that case with the homeless people when I told you you were a good guy?" she asked him.

"Yes," Derek replied quietly.

"You still are."

Derek smiled. "I lost him for awhile, but I think I got him back."

"I agree with that assessment," she said with a grin.

He smiled back at her. He didn't reach for her, but she could see he wanted to. In terms of the direction they were headed, she could see he would be content with this forever; any more was up to her.

He turned his head back to look at the sky. "I've been spending so much time analyzing myself. I had a couple of really bad things happen to me when I was younger that were completely out of my control. I became very guarded and overly-confident to compensate for that, for years. Even with you in a lot of ways. And it's not that I'm not confident anymore, but I have much more humility now. Because I finally had something really difficult happen that I was in control of changing the outcome of, and I didn't."

Emily took in those words and turned to look at him again. He kept staring at the sky, blinking quickly. She reached her hand out and placed it on his. He didn't meet her eyes, but he squeezed his fingers around hers.

After the fireworks, Derek walked her to her car. She wasn't sure what to expect when she'd first accepted his invitation to hang out on that day. She felt content; sadness felt a long way away.

"I'll bring the tree by tomorrow afternoon if that works for you," he said when they got to her car.

"Yep. I'll be around. I have a ton of paperwork I need to catch up on."

She went to give him a hug, and it was a hug that lasted much longer than any of the others they'd shared since the July before. He was warm and solid under her arms and hands, and safe. It was an epiphany that came to her in the moment, that this was the first time she'd felt totally safe with him. It wasn't that she'd gone into an affair with him thinking he'd ever intentionally hurt her, it's that she knew hurt was likely inevitable in that situation. In the past what they were doing was dangerous; there wasn't any of that feeling left in her, and she didn't want to let him go.

They eventually released each other and she smiled at him. "Thank you for today, Derek. It was really wonderful. I'll see you tomorrow."

* * *

><p>A few days later, Derek walked Joey up the steps to Savannah's house and knocked on the door. When she opened it, she grinned and scooped Joey into her arms, kissing his cheek. Derek smiled. Whatever residual feelings of anger he had for Savannah had dissipated on its own in the past year; he found himself just happy that Joey had two parents who loved him.<p>

Joey squirmed down from Savannah's arms to go the living room and see the toys he hadn't seen in a couple of days.

Derek set Joey's bag on the floor of the entry way. Each of their homes were stocked with toys and clothes, but they had one small bag that went back and forth that contained his current favorite things.

"Can I talk to you for a minute?" Derek asked Savannah. He felt nervous, but tried to push that feeling down.

"Sure. What's up?"

"Emily was over the other day and I spent some time worried you might show up because I forgot to put Joey's blanket or favorite book in the bag. I've been thinking about ti and I just want to avoid that awkward situation. Emily and I are friends again. We're not dating. I really don't know what we're doing yet, but she might be at the house sometimes, and she's seen Joey a few times. I just wanted to be honest and let you know."

He could see a flash of anger on Savannah's face, quickly followed by tears she tried to blink back. "I'm not sure I like this, Derek," she finally said, not quite succeeding in sounding neutral.

He reached out and touched her arm, trying to soften the blow. "I'm not asking for permission, Savannah. I'm sure you don't like it, but I'm hoping in time you can get used to the idea. I understand if you're angry, but I'm not the appropriate person to talk you through that."

"I'm not sure I'm angry as much as shocked and jealous. Shocked that she'd talk to you again; jealous that you might end up getting exactly what you wanted out of all of this."

Anger and sadness surged in Derek. He wanted to remind her that he wouldn't get _everything_. He may not get anything more than Emily's friendship. He'd come to terms with that, but he couldn't get their baby back. Whatever life he might have with her was going to come with a lot of work and look nothing like what he originally wished for in his heart.

Savannah must have sensed some of his feelings with his silence. She looked down and then back up at him, putting an end to the conversation for the time being. "I'll make sure I call first before I come over if I need to pick something up. I wanted to take Joey on a walk before dinner, so we should get going."

Derek nodded, walked over to give Joey a hug and kiss goodbye, and let himself out of the house before either of them exploded in the anger they were both probably feeling and said something they would regret.

* * *

><p>Emily leaned against Rossi's kitchen counter and looked at the man who had become such a good friend to her. "I think you should celebrate your birthday this year," she said with a smile.<p>

"What do you mean?"

"Well, Dave, your birthday is at the end of the month, and I think it's time we get the family back together. All of us."

He smiled and placed his hands on Emily's cheeks. "I'd really like that if you think you're ready for it."

"I am. I miss us all together and I want it back. I don't want another Thanksgiving where plans that have been there for years are altered for us. Wherever Derek and I are headed, this piece of us needs to come back together."

The last Saturday afternoon in July, Emily's family gathered together for the first time since she'd stood in a bar with them in February 2014, after they helped save JJ. There were additions and omissions from that group; Blake was gone, the BAU had two new agents that weren't invited to this gathering because Rossi felt like it should just be them, the core of them. And Derek was there with one addition - Joey.

When Derek showed up and set Joey down on the back patio, Emily was both surprised and happy when Joey saw her and grinned. He toddled over to her on steady legs and she picked him up. "Hey, Joey," she said with a smile. She'd seen him several more times that month, at the park and joining them on a trip to the children's museum, and they were both getting more comfortable with each other.

He babbled something she couldn't understand, a series of garbled language that obviously told a story that was both animated and indiscernible.

"I think he's trying to tell you about the colorful language I used when a cat ran out in front of my car on the way here," said Derek softly.

She looked at Derek and noticed the now familiar look of him holding back tears of happiness and thankfulness, tinged with regret. She reached one hand out and touched Derek's shoulder. "It's better than okay. Let's enjoy this."

They did enjoy their afternoon and evening, all together again. Emily could see in the faces of their friends that they weren't quite sure how to be at first. There was an undercurrent of exuberance and relief that they didn't want to overtly express. But gradually, after the first hour or so, they settled into themselves again. There was laughter and comfort and an overwhelming feeling of joy.

As dusk turned to dark, Joey tried to keep up with Jack and Henry as they chased fireflies in the backyard. Derek had gone inside to use the restroom and Emily said she'd keep an eye on Joey. She was taking it all in - that little boy with an infectious giggle trying to give chase to the much bigger boys - when Hotch came and sat next to her.

"Many years ago I told you you needed to be objective and you told me you needed to be human. I think you have more humanness in you than all of us combined," he told her quietly.

She shook her head, "I don't think that's true at all. I think this whole group has it."

Hotch contemplated that for a few seconds. "Maybe," he finally whispered. "But thank you for this. I know this was your idea. I didn't realize how much I missed us all together until today."

Just then, an exhausted Joey toddled over to the patio. He looked around, probably searching for Derek, but didn't see him. His bottom lip went out and then he spotted Emily. He walked over to her and lifted his arms to be picked up. Emily lifted him and he rested his head on her shoulder. Affection swelled in her. "I think you're tired, buddy," she whispered while rubbing his back.

She glanced to the side and saw JJ smiling at her, happy and slightly concerned. She grinned at JJ to let her know she was okay and suddenly found herself blinking back tears at the feelings she wasn't sure she could develop with Joey surging inside her. It was a small spark that didn't mean anything yet for the long term, but it was a spark she was surprised she welcomed so much.

By the time Derek came out of the house a few minutes later, Joey was asleep on her shoulder. Derek touched her back gently. "Thank you. I should get him home and to bed."

He moved to reach for Joey, but Emily stood and said, "I'll take him. I can walk you to your car."

Joey transferred from Emily's arms and into his car seat without waking up. She buckled him in and gently touched his cheek before backing herself out of the car. Derek stood there, looking both lost and happy. She put her arms around him and gave him a warm hug.

"Thank you for today, Emily. It was really great to all be together again," he whispered in her ear.

She stepped back. She had so many feelings and thoughts swirling around and she needed some time to process them. She smiled at Derek and said what she knew was true in the moment. "I'm looking forward to the day when we stop thanking each other for being normal."

He laughed lightly and touched her arm before settling in his car. "I'll work on that," he said through his window before pulling out of the driveway.

* * *

><p>Derek drove home and got Joey into a fresh diaper and pajamas and held him until he'd fallen asleep again. He laid him in his crib and smiled at him before leaving the room. Then he went to his living room and turned the TV on, but kept the volume down. Sprawled on his couch, he ran through the evening in his mind. It was so good to be together as a group again, but what he couldn't get out of his mind was how comfortable Emily looked with Joey asleep on her shoulder. It was a vision that filled him with a mixture of happiness and guilt.<p>

He was startled out of his reflections awhile later when there was a soft knock on his front door. He stood and looked through the peephole and saw Emily standing on his porch. Excitement and worry competed in him as he opened the door, but the worry went away when he saw her give him a content smile.

"I left Rossi's not long after you and I drove around for awhile thinking, trying to figure out everything I was feeling and what I wanted to do next. I drove by and saw you still had a light on. You drop Joey off with Savannah at noon tomorrow?"

Derek nodded. "Yes."

Emily smiled. "Are you available for dinner?"

He grinned. "I could do dinner. Emily…"

He had a million questions in his mind and he could see her read them all. She patted his chest gently. "It's a date. You know dating, Derek Morgan?" she asked with a grin.

That simple touch on his chest sent his heart racing. "I do. I think. I'm not sure with you, with us. I mean, I'm not sure what that looks like."

She smiled again. "Meet me at my place around 6:00."

"Should I bring anything?"

"That nervous, bemused grin. I kind of like it. Dress casually." She patted his chest one more time and turned to walk away.

"Emily," he called out. She turned to look at him. "I don't deserve you," he said softly.

She sighed and stepped back towards him. "When you say things like that, it makes me feel like I should be more damaged than I feel. I'm doing well, I'm happy. I can't predict what comes next, but stop feeling like you don't deserve this, whatever this ends up being."

Derek thought about that. "Maybe deserve isn't the right word. I feel like I'm asking too much of you."

Emily threw her hands out to the side and said softly, "Derek, you haven't asked a single thing of me since I called you last November. Not once. I'm not doing anything I don't want to do."

"What if it doesn't work?" he asked.

She stepped forward so she was standing right in front of him and gently took his hand. "That last October in Los Angeles, I thought to myself that we were the perfect puzzle, we fit together with no pieces missing. But the reality was there were a lot of pieces missing. We'd never dated, we talked but we couldn't be completely honest with each other, and everything we did involved lying to people we cared about. I want to see what this looks like without all of that baggage. I don't know if it will work. There are no guarantees here, only possibilities. I'm open to starting over and trying this the right way and seeing if we can figure it out, though."

"And what if we try to figure it out and lose our friendship in the process?" he asked, the concern clear in his voice. When it came right down to it, that was what worried him the most. It was a surprising revelation to him once he'd said it out loud, that he'd take the friendship of this woman he loved with all of his heart over being able to actually love her.

Emily exhaled. "I don't think we're going to be moving so quickly that backtracking won't be an option if we decide it's not working. But you're right, that's a risk. Then again, against all odds, we found our friendship again now."

Derek considered that and decided maybe a small risk would be worth it. With a thrumming heart, he smiled. "So you're talking good, old-fashioned dating."

Emily laughed, "Something like that. When was the last time you did that?"

"Probably never."

Emily grinned and touched his cheek gently. "There's a first time for everything. Tomorrow. Six o'clock."


	12. Chapter 12

Derek showed up exactly at six o'clock, and when Emily opened her door she smiled at him, and then she laughed lightly. He did indeed have that nervous, bemused grin on his face, and in his hand was a bouquet of flowers.

"You said old-fashioned dating, so I thought flowers," he said a little uncertainly.

She smiled at him again and took the flowers. "Thank you. They're beautiful. I'm not laughing at you, I'm laughing because you're fairly cute when you're nervous, and the flowers added to that picture. Cute is not a word I would have used to describe you before, but you are."

He smiled and lost some of that nervous look on his face. "Cute and nervous. I'm feeling more macho by the second."

Emily laughed again and invited him in. "Let me just get these in some water and then we can go."

Derek leaned against her kitchen counter while she looked for a vase and filled it with water. She put the flowers in and turned to smile at him again.

"So where are we going?" he asked.

"Do you know how many years I lived in this city and never took the opportunity to really enjoy it? Despite the humidity, it's a pretty amazing place in the summer. I spent last spring and summer walking all over, and I discovered some hidden gems, and we are going to one of those hidden gems," she told him.

She picked up the two backpacks by her front door and handed one to Derek. He looked at her curiously before slinging it over his shoulder. "What's in this thing?"

"Beer. You remember how you told me you enjoyed watching me pound good food? We're going to put that to the test. On Sunday nights, out on the lawn in front of the National Museum, there's live music and the best barbequed ribs I've ever eaten. And believe me, I eat a lot of them."

Derek laughed. "I can't wait."

Emily put her backpack on and took his hand. She stepped forward and brushed a gentle kiss on his cheek. "Thank you again for the flowers. I really do like them. Let's go."

She kept her fingers linked with his and walked with him in the warm evening air. As far a July in DC went, it wasn't too humid.

"So I was thinking about dating," Derek said as they walked. "I was thinking it was an opportunity to be normal and spend time together, and also to maybe do some things we've never done, or haven't done in a long time and want to try again."

She raised her eyebrow at him. "Like what?"

"Like…I've never been horseback riding. I've always wanted to try it."

Emily grinned and thought. "I've never tried rock climbing and wouldn't mind learning, though it would be an opportunity for you to feel macho because I'm quite certain you'll kick my ass at it."

He laughed. "I've lived here for a long time, too, and never really spent any time at the Smithsonian."

"I've always wanted to try line dancing. It was big when I was in college and I was too embarrassed to give it a shot." she said spontaneously.

He laughed again. "Em, you are barking up the wrong tree with that one."

She started cracking up at the image of Derek Morgan trying line dancing. "It fits with the horseback riding. Come on. We could get you some boots and a cowboy hat."

"Not going to happen," he said with a grin.

"We'll see," she said.

They turned a corner and could already hear the live music. They found a patch of grass away from the main crowd and Emily took off her backpack and pulled out a blanket.

"So this is how it's going to go. I carry the heavy beer and you carry the picnic blanket," he said with a grin.

She winked at him and laughed. "Pretty much. Let's go get some food. And, by the way, I like it when you call me 'Em.'"

They ate their way through a mountain of ribs that night, both sharing grins with each other as they did so. "You're right," Derek told her when they were done. "They are the best ribs I've ever had."

"Told you," she said with a smirk. "You might have to roll me home."

Derek smiled and leaned back on his hands with his legs stretched out in front of him. Emily looked at him. She was feeling more than comfortable. The air was warm, it was getting darker, and the music was playing in the background. She turned her body to the side and lay back so her head was resting on his thigh. She could feel him tense for a second before he relaxed again.

"It's nice," she said, "Being here and it not mattering if anyone we know sees us."

He smiled at her. Over the swell of the music, she heard him murmur, "It is nice."

She grinned up at him. "I'll try and think of more things we can do. This will be fun – getting a life. With you."

The smile he gave her was better than any smile she'd ever seen on his face. Her heart pounded frantically in her chest as she felt him place a hand on her hair and gently run his fingers through it.

After the music ended, he walked her home and right to her front door. He took his backpack off and handed it to her, and she placed both his and hers on the ground.

"As far as first dates go, this was the best ever," she said softly.

"It was. Definitely. And I'm glad I didn't have to roll you home."

They both laughed quietly at that, and then Emily placed her hand behind Derek's neck and reached up to brush her lips against his. She felt his arms go around her, but he didn't increase the pressure or up the ante in any way. She was surprised to find how her body still instantly responded to him.

After a minute, she pulled her head away from his. "Lunch this week?" she asked.

"Wednesday?"

"Perfect."

"And this Saturday is when I'm going jet skiing with Hotch and Jack. You in?"

"Yes." She thought about what she knew about his and Savannah's exchanges with Joey. "And on Sunday when you get Joey back, I can meet you for lunch at the park or wherever."

He smiled at that.

There was a huge part of her that wanted to pull him into her condo, that wanted to tear off his clothing and feel him against her and inside her again, but they were going slowly; it was the right thing, emotionally safe for both of them.

She kissed him briefly one more time before totally releasing him. "Goodnight, Derek."

"Goodnight, Emily."

She smiled and turned to unlock her door. She stepped inside and just as she was about to close the door, she heard him call out from down the hall. "I mean, Goodnight, Em."

* * *

><p>That first date set off a firestorm of enjoyable moments and wonderful tension. After lunch on Wednesday, they kissed each other goodbye in a small alley near the restaurant.<p>

On Saturday, when they went jet skiing and there was an opportunity for them each to have their own jet skis, Derek opted out of that. They shared one and he let her drive. And in a quiet alcove when they'd ditched Hotch and Jack for a few minutes, she turned off the engine and turned in the seat to face him.

They made out on that jet ski for several minutes, their limbs entwined. Derek had stopped being so shy and nervous, but was an equal participant in their slow pace in terms of intimacy. After kissing her neck several times, he pulled back and smiled at her breathless face. He kissed her lips briefly before using his hands to urge her to turn in the seat again.

She met Derek and Joey at the park again that Sunday and took a more active role in playing with and holding the little boy. Derek told her that he'd already spoken with Savannah about the fact that they were spending time with each other again.

August came to a close with a lot of laughter, much comfort, and a series of steamy make-out sessions that came to an end before any clothing was removed.

In one therapy session at the end of August, Emily said, "I feel decades younger."

"Why do you think that is?" asked Dr. Williams.

"Because for the first time in my life I'm allowing myself to just enjoy everything that comes my way, and none of it worries me."

* * *

><p>In the middle of September, she had dinner with Derek at his house for the first time on a night he had Joey. Dinner was fine. Spending time with Derek and Joey was good. But as evening turned to night and it was time to put Joey to bed, watching Derek read to and snuggle his son while Joey happily said "Dada" several times was too much for her handle.<p>

She snuck outside while he was putting Joey to bed and found herself under the tree they'd planted in July. The flowers were still blooming even with the hint of fall in the air, and she lay back under the branches on the cool ground, frantically blinking back tears.

She felt him lay down next to her many minutes later. He didn't say anything, but reached out to hold her hand.

"Watching you with him like that in your home was a little hard for me," she said softly.

He rolled on his side to face her. "Emily, I would never trade Joey for anything, but if I could trade anything else for your happiness and wishes, I would. I think about it all the time, a baby that was part you and part me. Every day. Do you want that?"

She rolled on her side to look at him. "Derek, I was forty-six years old when I got pregnant, and that was a huge risk as it was. I'm a month away from forty-eight now. A part of me did want that for the few weeks I knew there was a possibility of it, but I've accepted that that's not going to happen. I'm okay with that. Our reality is going to be hard sometimes; it doesn't mean that I'm not enjoying living in reality with you."

For the first time in a long time she saw actual tears fill his eyes without him looking away. "I love you, Emily Prentiss."

She looked at him. It was the first time he'd said it out loud in almost two years. It was the first time ever that he'd said it when it wouldn't matter who heard. It was the first time he said it and she felt like he was loving the whole her, the right way, without secrets or sex as a driving component to their relationship.

A part of her heart ached in that moment, but a larger part of her was living a better and more authentic life than she'd ever lived. She thought back to that moment in Rossi's front yard, as she lay there in a snow pile shouting to the skies that she would be okay. And this really was far better than okay. There was some sadness here, but it was greatly overshadowed the vast majority of the time by happiness. She thought back to Joey asleep on her shoulder and how good it felt holding him then, and thought back to all of her comfortable, thrilling dates with Derek where they were keeping the tempo slow and real.

"In May, when I met you and Joey in the park for the first time, I walked for hours after to make sure I was really okay spending time with him. I didn't need to do that anymore after the first couple of times. And after I'm in your house a few times with Joey, I won't need to sneak out and collect myself. Overall, I've honestly never been happier in my life," she whispered. She reached out to touch his cheek. "I love you."

* * *

><p>The following Wednesday they met for lunch and Derek started the conversation by telling her, "I got a phone call this morning," he told her. "I applied for a new job and they want me to come in for an interview on Friday."<p>

She looked at him, surprised. "I thought you were enjoying the field office now. What's the new job?"

"I was enjoying running the field office. It was a good experience for me, but it's not what I want to be doing now. I rely on my mom too much on my nights with Joey when there's a case I can't get away from, and I just don't like it. The new job is the program director for Hogan's Alley. I'd have to be there for occasional night time simulations, and sometimes on Saturdays, but I'd get to make that schedule."

Emily considered that. "I can see you liking that job. You'd be really good at it. We'll both be going soft, neither of us carrying guns or in the field anymore," she said with a grin.

Derek laughed. "We'd both be safe, too."

Emily stopped chewing her food and stared at him. She reached a hand out to touch his. "That's the real reason you're doing this," she stated softly.

He nodded. "Every time I put my gun on lately, I see my dad getting shot right in front of me. I think about how that changed me in ways I didn't really acknowledge until lately. I like the idea of a future with fewer risks to my life."

"I like that idea, too. But, Derek, you get to be happy and fulfilled in your career. I think this job could do that for you, but there are tons of options out there for you if it doesn't."

He smiled at her. "I may not even get it."

She laughed out loud at the absurdity of that statement. "Derek, you're a shoe-in for the job. Come on. You have plenty of training experience, you've run a field office, and you were highly regarded as an agent for the BAU."

He shrugged and grinned. "You're right. I'll probably get it."

"You'll be back in Quantico during the day," she said quietly.

"I've already researched some good places to meet for lunch at the halfway point between there and DC."

Emily smiled at him. "That would work."

After lunch, he wrapped his arms around her right on the sidewalk in front of the café and whispered in her ear, "I want to do this because I want Joey to have me in his life and never experience the worry that I used to feel every day when my dad went to work. But I also want to do this for you. For us. For the first time, I am completely content with the direction my life is heading, and I'd like to stick around and enjoy it for as long as possible."

* * *

><p>On Friday night, Emily came home from work and took out her phone. She was surprised she hadn't heard from Derek after his interview but figured something must have come up at work. She started a text to him and was startled by a soft knock on her front door. She looked out her peephole and didn't see anyone. She opened the door a crack and peeked into the hallway and nearly fell over with instantaneous shock and mirth.<p>

Derek stood there, leaning against the hallway wall, huge cowboy hat on his head and boots on his feet. "Howdy, ma'am."

She giggled. It was a sound she'd never really heard coming from her mouth. He smiled at her and tried very unsuccessfully to keep up a fake accent. "I hear there's a bar in Arlington that gives free line dancing lessons at eight o'clock on Friday nights. I'm wondering if you might like to join me to celebrate my new job."

She laughed again, wrapped her arms around him and kissed him. "Congratulations. I would like nothing better than to celebrate with you. Come on in while I change."

She left him in the living room and left her bedroom door open a crack so they could talk. "Don't you have Joey tonight?" she called out while contemplating her closet.

"I do. I took a personal day, went to my interview where they offered me the job on the spot, did a little shopping at a western wear store, and then spent the afternoon with him. My mom's watching him tonight," he said loudly enough to be heard.

All thoughts of going slow left her mind for a minute. He was offered the new job and his first thought was to go to a store and get a hat and boots to surprise her. What she wanted to do was to take off her suit and walk out of there in nothing but her underwear and bra and forget going out or line dancing. But he'd gone to the store to shop for this, and in so many ways he was going slower than she was when it came to intimacy.

"When will you start?" she asked.

"November first. The interview was barely an interview; they were already talking to me like I had the job. The more we talked the more excited I got about the possibilities."

She took off her suit and pulled on a pair of jeans and a black tank top. She reached in her closet for the pair of red cowboy boots she'd purchased on a whim years ago and never wore. She grabbed a jacket and opened her bedroom door. "I'm happy for you. I can't wait to hear about it," she said with a smile.

Derek soaked her in with his eyes and she smirked.

"Like the boots?" she asked.

He stepped forward and put his arms around her. "Definitely," he whispered before kissing her. He backed her against the wall and his lips were on her face and neck. She gasped, "We don't have to go out."

He kissed her again, but it was brief. "Yes, we do. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity here, a plan made on the fly. Better strike while the iron's hot, Em."

"That's what I'm trying to do."

He laughed and kissed her one more time before pulling completely away. Her knees were jelly and her stomach felt like a pit of fire; she wanted more but nodded at him. "Okay. Let's do this."

They'd gone rock climbing a few weeks before at a gym, and she'd managed to hold her own. But even in boots and dancing to songs he didn't know and probably never listened to in his life, Derek Morgan took to line dancing like it was second nature.

At one point near the end of the lesson she said to him, "I'm the most uncoordinated person in here."

He put an arm around her waist and whispered, "Not true. And watching you laugh while you try to do this is the sexiest thing I've ever seen in my life."

She looked at his smoldering eyes and saw he was being absolutely truthful. "Want to get out of here?" she asked.

"Yes."

She was starving. Her feet hurt in the boots she'd never worn before. But she couldn't even think about that staring at Derek while he drove them back to her place. His hat was off and he kept throwing grins at her on the drive.

On the elevator up to her floor, he put his hands under her shirt and ran his fingers over the skin on her stomach and back while kissing her neck. He didn't let her go as they walked to her door. Once inside, he had her shirt off in an instant and buried his head in her chest, planting open-mouthed kisses on her skin.

She reached for his shirt and he helped her pull it off. She sighed in satisfaction when she felt his skin against hers again. He backed her towards her couch, but when they reached it, she turned him around and pushed on him so he sat. She followed him and straddled his legs.

She reached behind her to unhook her bra and smiled at him as she slipped it down her arms and off. Something about that action made Derek freeze.

"What's wrong?" she asked.

She watched his hands gently skim up her stomach to the sides of her breasts. He kissed her chest and wrapped his arms around her. "You are so beautiful and I want this, but not yet," he said quietly and sincerely.

Emily didn't have words for that at first. She was still breathing heavily and his skin under her hands felt right. He looked up at her and met her eyes.

"I love you, but all of the pieces of that puzzle you talked about aren't in place yet for you and that could get messy really fast. I don't want to blow this for either of us," he whispered.

She knew what he was trying to say, and he was right. Less than a week ago, watching him read a book to Joey had sent her scurrying out of his house in order to collect herself. That piece needed to come together for her before they did this or things could easily get confusing and difficult again.

She nodded and kissed his forehead and then his lips. "You're right," she said softly.

He pulled her closer to him and she wrapped her arms around him and rested her chin on his shoulder. His soft voice tickled her ear. "I'd like to see us sustain this closeness throughout the fall, since that's a hard time for us. And, besides, when we do this, I want to be able to stay if you want me to, instead of having to run home a couple hours later."

It was strange - how he turned her body on the couch and kissed her again before standing, how he went to retrieve her shirt and bra and helped her get everything back on and in place, how he put his shirt back on and gathered her in his arms again - it was all strange and beautiful and she'd never felt more loved. All this time there was a little part of her worried about getting lost again, and he was the Derek Morgan she knew, the man who didn't want her to get lost any more than she did.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

"I am," she said with her face resting against his chest. "I'm good. I'm hungry."

She felt his quiet laugh rumble in his chest. "Do you have food here?"

"Some leftovers."

She watched him heat up the leftovers in her kitchen, eventually sitting on the counter and taking him in; Derek, wearing the boots he'd bought just to surprise and please her.

She couldn't help the smile that spread across her face. "I love you, you know," she said.

He turned to smile at her. "I have a feeling, Emily, that loving you the right way is going to end up being one the best things I've ever done in my life."


	13. Chapter 13

The Saturday morning after Derek showed up and took her line dancing, Emily lay in her bed for an hour, drinking coffee and thinking. Then she went for a walk and thought some more. Finally, in the late morning, she called Derek and asked for what she needed. She bypassed advice from Rossi, JJ and her therapist. She did what she needed to do in order to move forward and felt confident it was the right decision. And though Derek initially objected and asked her if she was sure and expressed some concerns, when she said she couldn't get those missing pieces of the puzzle in place while waiting around for a potential confrontation, he struck a compromise she agreed to.

"Are you angry?" she asked him.

"Not at all. This is exactly something the old Emily would do, and I love it. But I just don't want you to feel like you have to fix things for me."

"I'm not doing this for you. I'm doing this for us and for me. I'm doing this for the same reason you're switching jobs. I like the direction my life is heading, too, and I want this to work."

"OK, Em. OK," he said softly over the phone.

It was not her calling Savannah; instead, at his request, it was Derek who called Savannah and told her Emily wanted to talk to her.

The text that came to her phone a few minutes later was a simple, "If you want to talk, there's no time like the present."

Emily was shocked by that. She'd been prepared to lay the seed and wait for Savannah to get used to the idea. Two hours later, reminding herself that she'd faced down sociopaths and murderers in closer quarters, Emily met Savannah at a coffee shop.

Emily smiled kindly when Savannah walked in. Savannah did not return that smile. She didn't look angry, but she looked apprehensive and defensive.

"Why did you want to talk to me?" she asked as she took a seat.

"I'll be totally honest and tell you that it's for selfish reasons in a lot of ways," said Emily.

"Well, I didn't think it was because you wanted to be friends," was Savannah's icy reply.

She looked at Savannah and chose her words carefully. "Probably not. Tolerance, maybe, with time. I'm spending more time with Joey lately. I know Derek talked to you about the fact that I was around more, and I don't want me being around to create issues between you and Derek, and I don't want me being around to create stress for Joey," said Emily.

"What are you looking for? My blessing?" asked Savannah.

"No. I'm going to continue on the path I'm on without that, but I thought maybe if we talked we could make it easier for ourselves and all parties involved. What I didn't want is for our first time seeing each other again to take place in front of Joey. I'd like to clear the air as much as we can before that happens."

Savannah surveyed her for a few seconds while blinking back tears. Emily couldn't be certain if they were tears of sadness or anger. She was a beautiful woman, and probably a very good person; she couldn't imagine Derek being involved with someone who wasn't. This was Derek's mess in most ways, but if Emily was going to thrust herself in the middle of it with open arms, she needed to clean up her part of the mess to, as much as Savannah would let her.

"I don't blame you if you hate me," Emily said.

Savannah blinked a few times. "I don't, I don't think. Not anymore. Derek told me the whole story over a year ago. It sounded like you two never got over each other."

Emily tilted her head and contemplated that. "I don't think that's quite true. The problem was neither of us acknowledged there was anything to get over until we were involved with other people, and then, in a lot of ways, we used each other to try to get back to the people we used to be, at the expense of ourselves and the people we were committed to."

"You were selfish."

"We were and I'm very sorry about that," Emily replied softly.

"And I was selfishly reactive," said Savannah just as softly.

"You were. But we can't go back an change things now." Emily paused and cleared her throat. This was the hard part for her. Savannah had a baby, and she didn't. She inhaled and exhaled deeply. "You have a beautiful little boy who is so happy and confident because you and Derek dealt with things the way that was best for him. I just want us to be able to do that, too."

"I'm not going to cast you into the role of evil step-mother if that's what you're worried about," said Savannah. "I wouldn't do that to Joey."

Emily gave her a small smile. "We're a long way away from that..."

"I honestly don't know how you forgave Derek at all," Savannah interrupted.

"Savannah," Emily sighed, "I spent a good portion of my career seeing first hand what lies can do to people when they choose to focus on bitterness and resentment. I didn't forgive him at first, but I acknowledged that with our lies, we both got farther and farther away from the people we thought we were. When things came to a head, we had a choice between becoming a better version of ourselves, or a worse one. I went for the better version, and he did the same, and that's why I was able to forgive him."

Savannah was quiet and looked down at the table. "You know, I've told my closest friends that Derek had an affair, and that's why we split up. I haven't admitted to anyone that I got pregnant on purpose, except my parents."

Emily wasn't quite sure what to do with that admission. She wasn't there to be Savannah's friend or give her advice, and Savannah looked up and seemed to realized that. She stood from the table and said quietly, "I respect you for wanting to meet with me. We can work on tolerance. I'll talk to Derek if there are problems for me, or directly with you if we agree that would be better. We'll have to see."

Emily could read embarrassment in Savannah's mannerism, and quiet resolve under the surface. She nodded at Savannah, "I respect you for meeting with me, too. Thank you."

Savannah turned to go, but stopped herself and came back to the table. "I'm sorry for your loss," she said quietly and quickly and then left.

Emily sat at the coffee shop and nursed her cup of coffee for a several minutes in quiet contemplation before she stood to go, feeling better. Nothing was resolved or fixed, and she could live with that; she didn't think there would be anger or too much tension if she and Savannah accidentally crossed paths, and that's what she was going for.

She drove to Derek's house, and he opened the front door before she'd made it up the walkway. He wrapped her in a hug on the front porch.

"Where's Joey?" she asked.

"Napping."

"It wasn't horrible," she told him.

"I'm glad it wasn't horrible, but I don't know why you felt you needed to do that now. Because of last night?"

She pulled away from him and smiled. "Yes and no. It's just that we haven't had to backtrack at all because we've been taking careful, slow steps forward. That's what I was thinking about this morning. I was thinking spending more time with you and Joey, and I was thinking about the Savannah factor. I didn't want to move forward trying with Joey and getting closer to him, and then have to go back and have that initial interaction with Savannah. I decided I'd rather do that first, so I did."

Derek nodded at her. "OK. I get it. I was just worried."

She raised her eyebrow at him. "About me? Please."

He laughed quietly. "So you want to stay for dinner and bedtime?"

"Yes, if that works for you."

He placed his hands on her cheeks and gently brushed his lips against hers. "It absolutely works for me."

While Joey napped, Emily told him the whole conversation that had taken place. That afternoon, Emily heard Joey wake up. Derek was taking out the trash, so Emily walked down the hall and quietly opened Joey's bedroom door. He was standing in his crib and smiled when he saw her. She picked him up and he rested his still sleepy head on her shoulder.

"Pahk?" he asked.

"The park? Yes, your daddy said that's what you were doing after your nap. You want to go to the park."

He picked his head up from her shoulder and smiled at her. "Sing?"

She smiled at him. "You want me to sing?"

He shook his head. "Sing, sing!"

"Oh, the swing?" she asked with a laugh. "Yes, you can definitely go on the swing."

She looked up and saw Derek standing in the doorway, leaning against the frame and smiling. "Let me get him changed and then we can go."

"I can do it," she said softly.

"Emily, this doesn't have to be like immersion therapy," he replied. "There's all the time you need stretched in front of you. I'm not going anywhere."

She nodded at him. "I know. I'm not in a rush. I feel okay with this right now and if it gets to be too much, I'll let you know."

He stepped forward and kissed Joey's cheek and then her forehead. "OK. I'll go get some snacks ready for the park. His shoes and sweater are on the dresser."

That day, Joey started calling her "Em." When Derek first put him in the swing and started pushing, he kept saying it over and over again until she stepped forward and took over. And that night after dinner, Emily sat on the floor of Joey's bedroom with Derek and read him books. She kissed his sweet head and complied when he said, "Again," after she read his favorite book. She felt Derek watching her face a lot, checking in and making sure she was doing okay, and she smiled at him frequently to reassure him.

Once he was tucked into his crib, Emily didn't feel like she needed to run outside to collect herself. Derek sat on the couch and she sat beside him, leaning against his body. His arms went around her and she felt an unexpected tear making its way down her cheek.

She felt his hand on her cheek, gently brushing away the tear. "Too much?" asked Derek.

She thought about that quietly for a few minutes. "I've been afraid of this. Being vulnerable with you again has been easy, but opening myself up to your life with Joey had a lot of unknowns and emotions. It's strange to me to think about how in our loss, we were able to find happiness. If I'd never gotten pregnant, I'd probably still be in London and you'd probably still be with Savannah, and we wouldn't be here now." she said softly with her head resting against his chest.

She lifted her head up to look at him. "I'm not crying because it was too much. I think I'm crying because I'm happy it wasn't."

* * *

><p>"So, Emily, how are things going with your boyfriend?" asked JJ with a smile.<p>

The BAU had been so busy that Emily hadn't really had a chance to talk to JJ or anyone on the team for a couple of weeks. She'd texted back and forth with JJ about talking with Savannah and how things were going with Joey, but that was the extent of it.

Emily grinned and laughed quietly, "Good. Great. We're really good."

"And did he really bust out a cowboy hat and boots for you a few weeks ago?" she asked with a wink.

Emily looked over at the bar where Garcia was getting their drinks and glared, which caused JJ to laugh out loud.

"He told her, and she said it was just too delicious to not share," said JJ. "I wouldn't use the word delicious. Awesome and unbelievable, and hysterical. I'm impressed she held onto the information for three weeks. She only told me on the drive here."

"It was awesome, and don't you tease him about it when he gets here. I can't believe he even told her." asked Emily.

"He didn't exactly volunteer the information. It was more like she called him after his job interview and asked him why he didn't stop by the office, and he said he was busy. She located his phone on GPS and asked him why he was at a western apparel store."

Emily laughed and shook her head. "It was an amazing and strange night, that's for sure."

"Strange how?"

She looked up and saw Garcia making her way back to them. "Another time, JJ."

Penelope set down a tray in front of them that contained a bottle of Patron, limes and salt, and several shot glasses.

"What happened to the wine?" asked JJ.

"It's Emily's birthday. It's been forever since we've done shots together," she responded with a smile.

"There's the small matter of getting home later," said Emily.

Penelope shrugged, "The guys will be here soon. They can be the responsible ones."

Emily smiled at her and JJ. "Let's do it."

They'd just finished their second shot when Emily felt an arm go around her waist and a warm kiss on her cheek. "Tequila shots?" asked Derek.

JJ looked at him and grinned. "Howdy, partner."

Emily opened her eyes wide at JJ. Penelope looked down, and then her shoulders started shaking as she tried to hold back laughter. Emily turned in her bar stool to apologize but Derek was looking at Penelope, shaking his head. And then he started laughing, too.

He shrugged his shoulders at Emily and bent to give her a kiss. It was the first time he'd ever displayed any real affection towards her in front of people they knew and she found she loved it. "Happy Birthday, Emily."

She smiled at him. "Thanks. Want a shot of tequila?"

He laughed. "No. I'll stick to a beer. Someone has to get you home. But you enjoy yourself."

Awhile later, after Rossi, Reid and Hotch showed up, Emily excused herself to use the restroom. She'd had three shots of tequila and had switched to water, but she was definitely a tipsy. JJ hopped down from her bar stool and walked with her to the bathroom. They stood at the end of a long line and JJ brought up their interrupted conversation from earlier.

"Strange how?" JJ asked.

Probably because of the alcohol, or maybe because she was just feeling much more comfortable in her own skin, Emily told her the story about that night.

"So he stopped everything?" JJ asked.

"Yes."

"And then what?"

"And then he reheated leftovers so we could eat dinner. We ended up watching TV for awhile before he left," said Emily.

JJ laughed quietly. "I didn't think you two could do it. I know you told me you still loved him last February, and I had no doubt he still loved you, but I didn't think you could totally make it down this road. Not that I doubted the sincerity; it's just I thought it might be too difficult. But watching you two tonight - you are head over heels in love with each other. And you're doing things the right way."

"We are," Emily said quietly with a smile.

JJ laughed again and Emily looked at her. "What?"

"Well, it's just that if he wants to get through the fall, you're talking months of what boils down to foreplay, and when that ends..." JJ moved her arms and hands and made the motion and sound for an explosion. "It's going to be epic, my friend."

Emily grinned. "It's not foreplay."

The door to the bathroom opened and Emily went in.

"Keep telling yourself that, Em," JJ said with a slight slur as Emily closed the bathroom door.

When she emerged a few minutes later, JJ made the explosion sound again and laughed before going into the bathroom herself. Emily chuckled and thought on the way back to their table about how light and good she felt, about how two years ago she had the worst birthday of her life, and this was turning out to be the best. It was pretty unbelievable how they'd made it this far.

When she reached the table, Derek smiled at her. "What's the grin for?"

She shook her head at him and smiled, "Nothing. I'm just enjoying myself."

He bent his head towards her ear. "I was watching the dance floor and thought maybe we could try salsa dancing next. That's mostly just hips and I know you know how to move those."

She felt heat pool in her stomach. She blushed, but she didn't look down; she grinned at him. "Sometime. But not here."

He nodded at her and smiled. Emily looked over and saw JJ had rejoined the group. "Foreplay," she mouthed at Emily.

Emily laughed again. Maybe JJ was right.

* * *

><p>She awoke in the middle of the night, confused. Her head didn't hurt, but she felt a little foggy. And she wasn't in her bedroom. She thought back to the night before, and found the fuzzy memories.<p>

Derek had taken her to his house, because it was closer and she said didn't want to be in the car that long. He'd taken her into his bathroom and reached in the cupboard to hand her a new toothbrush. After she brushed her teeth, he'd brought her to his bed. She was drunk and dizzy, and he sat her on the edge of the bed and removed her shirt and bra quickly, before slipping one of his t-shirts over her head.

"I'm getting too old for this shit," she'd slurred at him with a grin.

"Not at all. It's your birthday and you had fun. But daring Reid to do shots if you did them with him, after you'd already had a few, probably was too much. Though I've never seen him drunk, so thanks for that. Do you feel sick?"

She shook her head at him and then grimaced as the room spun. She remembered him smiling sympathetically and pressing a cool kiss to her forehead. He bent to take off her shoes and then helped her stand and removed her pants. He slipped a pair of his sweats on her and cinched and rolled the waist so they'd stay up. Then he handed her some ibuprofen and a glass of orange liquid. "Try and drink it all if you can," he said to her softly.

"What is it?" she asked him.

"Some Pedialyte I had in the house from when Joey was sick. It's an old trick I learned back in my younger days - works far better than Gatorade to get your electrolytes up. It might taste awful, but you'll thank me in the morning."

She took the pills and drank the liquid. She leaned in to kiss him and wrapped her arms around his neck, trying to press her body closer to his and not wanting to let go. She moved one hand to slide under his shirt and he took that opportunity to pull his head away and kiss her cheek. Then he placed his hand over hers, under his shirt, and brought it to his mouth, kissing her palm.

The last thing she remembered was him tucking her into bed, kissing her softly and whispering, "I'll give you your birthday gift tomorrow. I love you, Emily."

Coming back into the present, Emily turned to look at the clock on the nightstand. Four-thirty in the morning. There was a bottle of water next to the clock. She sat up and took a few sips before she stood. She felt relatively okay, just tired. She used the bathroom and then took slow steps out of the bedroom, using a nightlight in the hallway to guide her way through Derek's house. She found him asleep on the couch, the moonlight from the window illuminating his face.

She reached out to touch his cheek. "Hey," she whispered.

He blinked open his eyes and asked, "Are you okay?"

"I am." She moved her hand from his face to link her fingers with his. "Come on. You don't need to sleep on the couch."

He looked a little uncertain, but sat up and followed her back to his bedroom. She pulled the covers down on his side of the bed and he glanced at her before laying down. She crawled in next to him and rested her head on his chest.

"JJ said what we were doing boiled down to months of foreplay," Emily murmured.

She felt Derek laugh lightly, "Kind of, I guess. Is that what you think?"

"Sometimes. Not now."

She felt his arms tighten around her. "What does this feel like?" he asked.

"This just feels like love," she whispered before drifting off to sleep again.

* * *

><p>Waking up with Derek's arms around her again felt like the best birthday gift she could have asked for. She'd turned on her other side at some point, and he must have followed, because his arm was around her waist and he was curled around her body, warm and solid against her back. They were both fully clothed, in sweatpants and t-shirts, but that didn't detract in any way from the warmth and comfort she felt. How different and amazing it was to be waking up next to him and not feel the need to push down any guilt.<p>

It was a little after ten o'clock on Saturday morning; she couldn't remember the last time she'd slept so late. She placed her hand on his arm to move it gently and he stirred.

"I have to go to the bathroom," she whispered. "I'll be right back."

She used the bathroom, brushed her teeth and washed her face, which she'd skipped the night before. She returned to the bed and slid under the covers, laying on her side to face him.

He opened his eyes and smiled at her. There was a part of her that wanted to ask him if they were being ridiculous, waiting. Spending time with him and Joey was going well, and it felt like all of those pieces were coming together. Then she thought about Thanksgiving, and December fifteenth, and couldn't really predict how she would do on those days. She thought okay, but couldn't guarantee that. And she knew that's what he was waiting for at this point: Neither of them thought it would be a huge hurdle, but neither was totally sure.

She settled for kissing him and whispering, "Thank you for taking care of me last night."

"Any time. How are you feeling?"

"Not bad at all, actually."

"Good."

"Did I eat food last night before I went to bed?" she asked.

He laughed. "You don't remember how you nearly yanked the steering wheel out of my hand when you saw a Taco Bell?"

She thought back and then joined in his laughter. "Now I do. It explains why I'm not starving right now. I won't be doing that again any time soon. Maybe never."

"Taco Bell or tequila?"

"Both," she said with another laugh.

"You're really feeling okay?" he asked again.

Something about his eyes was different. "Yes," she whispered with her eyebrows raised.

He leaned forward to kiss her and she felt his hand slide under the back of her shirt and trail lightly on along her spine. A shiver ran through her body and she wanted to yank her head back to gasp, but she kept her mouth where it was, not quite sure what was going on, but not wanting whatever it was to stop.

"When you came and got me off the couch, you fell asleep pretty quickly, but I stayed awake for awhile, thinking. About foreplay. About what we were doing. I think waiting awhile longer is the right move, but that doesn't mean we can't make progress in this area, if you're up for that," he finally whispered to her after several long minutes of kissing.

Her heart was beating frantically, but she managed to nod at him. "Progress is good," she breathed back.

He gave her a lopsided grin and said, "It is your birthday, after all," before crushing his lips against hers again.

Their shirts came off, but there was something oddly intimate and exciting about how he never removed her pants. She had a feeling he thought if the pants came off while they were in bed, it would be game over and all thoughts of slow, careful steps forward would be tossed out the window.

They kissed and she reacquainted herself with how his hands felt on her breasts, how his fingers on her nipples made her feel like there was an electrical current running through her body. She moaned and sighed and tried to pull his body closer to hers; he complied with his torso, but kept his hips away from hers.

His mouth moved from hers, down her neck to her chest, as his right hand moved under the waistband of her sweats and underwear in one swift, sure movement. He moaned against her nipple when he felt how wet she was and she clasped onto his shoulders and whimpered.

This wasn't a first-time exploration to find out what she liked; he remembered exactly how to touch her, how to drive her crazy, what touches made her hips thrust and what touches made her thighs shake in anticipation.

And she wanted more. She wanted his and her pants off, she wanted to feel everything again. He must have sensed that she was about to ask for that, because his mouth moved back up her chest and neck and found her lips again. He shifted his body so he had a better angle with his hand and she ran her hands down his torso, but he moved his body slightly away from her, out of her reach, when her hands touched the waistband of his sweats. He never stopped kissing her, though, and soon all thoughts of touching him, of asking for more, left her consciousness for a moment.

She closed her eyes and clasped one hand behind his neck to keep his lips on hers while the other clenched the edge of her pillow. She closed her eyes and lights flashed behind her lids and her hips were moving and she was moaning loudly in his mouth as her body quaked around his hand and fingers.

She came back to consciousness eventually and felt his feather light kisses on her face, and in between each kiss he was murmuring how beautiful she was. His hand was still inside her pants, but now it was resting gently on her hip.

Once her breathing was back under control, she smiled at him and reached to pull his body closer to hers, looking forward to his turn. But he grinned shyly at her, kissed her nose and got out of the bed. "I love you. I'm going to grab a quick shower," he said.

Emily saw the tenting in the front of his sweats, and watched him scurry away this time. Her mind tried to catch up with what the hell had just happened as she heard the water starting in the bathroom. After a minute, she stood and took off her sweats and underwear, letting herself in the bathroom.

Because of the layout of the shower, his back was to her and he didn't see her come in, but she saw his body stiffen when he heard the shower door open.

She stood behind him and wrapped her arms around his waist, pressing a kiss between his shoulder blades. "This self-deprecation and feeling like you don't deserve me has got to go, Derek. We've made it this far because we both deserve this."

He spoke loud enough to be heard over the water. "I know, Emily. That's not it. I saw you trusting me like that again and it kind of freaked me out. It's not that I don't think I deserve you; I am just so afraid of screwing this up."

"Well, think about that the next time you run away from the bed and make me walk on shaky legs to come find you," she said with a smile against his skin.

He turned his body and gave her a small smile. "Sorry."

"Don't be. We're figuring things out, and it's been surprisingly smooth sailing, but things like this are going to happen from time to time for both of us. It's called a relationship. We might both mess up, and we might argue occasionally, and that's okay. It's healthy. Neither of us is perfect and we shouldn't try to be. We need to be happy and emotionally healthy independently and want to share that with each other. It can't be us trying to find our happiness in pleasing each other. We just need to live and be honest and handle things as they come. Okay?"

He kissed her and nodded. "Okay."

She searched his eyes for several seconds, finding what she needed to see, that he believed her. It was a strange twist in role reversal; she was driving now, but not the same way he had in the past. They were both fragile and strong at the same time, and they were going to make it. She felt that with every fiber of her being.

It didn't escape her that they were both standing there, completely naked, for the first time in two years. And it didn't escape her that she probably could have asked for anything in that moment, and he would have complied. But she didn't want his compliance, she wanted his equal participation.

She wrapped one arm around his neck and let the other trail down his torso. "Even footing, remember?" she whispered before wrapping her hand around his length and brushing her lips against his.

* * *

><p>The original plan for that Saturday was that Derek was going to take her out to dinner for a private birthday celebration. Instead, they both put their sweats back on after that shower and cooked breakfast together. They settled on the couch and watched cheesy comedies together and laughed. They napped in each other's arms. They had take-out delivered for dinner and Derek gave her her birthday gift.<p>

A necklace with a gold spiral charm on on the end of it. It was simple and elegant at the same time, and stamped into the inner spiral was a play on words she'd said to him a few weeks before, "Find your happiness."


	14. Chapter 14

_A/N - So sorry for the length between updates! I started a new job on Monday and hit the ground running. It's literally been work, kids and collapsing into bed at night. No brain power to write. One more chapter after this one for this story, I think. Happy New Year! :) _

* * *

><p>"Hey," said Emily as she answered her phone. "Are you on your way home?"<p>

"No," was Derek's tense reply. "There's an armed robbery with a hostage situation at a local convenience store. We're being called in."

Emily set down the knife she was using to cut onions and looked around Derek's kitchen. It was his last day at the field office; she'd left work early to make dinner for him and Joey to celebrate.

"I'll call my mom and ask her to go pick up Joey from Savannah," Derek continued. "I'll be home as early as I can."

"Your mom was just here visiting with me. She's going out to dinner with friends tonight. I could go pick him up," Emily said.

Derek paused for several seconds. "You don't have a car seat," was his reply.

"I could get the one out of your mom's car before she leaves."

Another pause. "I'll call Savannah and tell her you'll be picking up Joey, if you're sure."

Emily smiled to herself. "I'm sure. I'm fine with it, Derek. Really. I'll text her and let her know I'm coming. This was bound to happen at some point and I want to do this, so don't think twice about it. Go do your job. And don't get shot, or I'll shoot you myself."

Derek laughed. "I'll be careful, Em. Last day of this. I love you."

"I love you, too."

Emily disconnected the phone and went to turn on Derek's television to find the local news. There was the story about the robbery right there. She texted Savannah to let her know she'd be there in thirty minutes and then watched the TV. She caught a glimpse of Derek in his vest emerging from a vehicle with some other agents. Seeing him like that, she only had one thought - she wanted to strap on a vest herself and cover his back. Instead she let herself out the back door of Derek's house and walked to Fran's cottage to get the car seat.

She felt a moment of nervousness when she pulled up in front of Savannah's house a few minutes later. It was the first time they'd seen each other since meeting in that coffee shop over a month before.

When Savannah opened the door, her face was vacant of any readable emotion. "It's technically my night with Joey, but Derek offered to take him because of a friend's birthday party. I've been watching the news and is Derek okay?"

"He'll be fine. Just part of the job and it might take awhile. And I'm fine with Joey, Savannah. You should go out. I can take care of this, of Joey," Emily said with what she hoped was a combination of understanding and confidence.

Her voice must have alerted Joey that she was there, because the next thing Emily was aware of was him walking towards the door with a grin on his face. "Em!" he called.

He hurtled his little body at her and she picked him up and smiled apologetically at Savannah.

"He certainly likes you," Savannah murmured.

"And I like him. He's a wonderful little boy."

Savannah softened at those words a bit. She gave Emily as small smile. "Let me get his bag."

Emily kept Joey in one arm and grabbed the bag Savannah handed her with her other hand.

"Give your mommy a hug goodbye, Joey."

Joey leaned forward and wrapped his arms around Savannah's neck. "I'll pick him up around nine tomorrow morning," Savannah said.

"I'll let Derek know."

Savannah nodded and Emily turned to go down the front steps.

"You know, Emily, I thought a lot about what you said after we met at that coffee shop, about moving forward and forgiving and becoming a better version of yourself. I'm working on it. I never thought talking with you could be helpful in any way."

Emily turned and smiled at her. "I'm glad. We all deserve to be content with our lives. I don't know you very well at all, but I want that for you."

Savannah was quiet for a few seconds. "I can do tolerance," she finally said softly.

"It will probably have its ups and downs, Savannah, and that's okay. But I'm glad you feel that way right now, and hopefully in time it will only be ups with very few downs."

* * *

><p>It was different, being with Joey alone. At first Emily felt uncomfortable, and she couldn't figure out why; she'd spent time with him at least twice a week in the past few weeks. Finally she decided she wasn't so much uncomfortable, but uncertainty about her ability to manage the evening on her own since it was something she had no experience with. When she realized that, she laughed at how ridiculous it was, given everything in her life she'd handled. She didn't turn on the news, but watched for updates on her phone while she played with Joey.<p>

He kept bringing her toys and she'd play with them and him for awhile before he moved onto something else. She bypassed her complicated meal plan as it approached six o'clock. She searched in the cupboard and found macaroni and cheese and sat next to Joey while he was in his high chair while the noodles cooked. She brought a few of his books out of his bedroom and read to him.

She managed giving him a bath that night, getting soaked in the process. He seemed to find it hysterical that she was the one in the bathroom with her and didn't stop splashing. The fact that she laughed the first time Joey splashed the water probably increased those antics.

According to her phone, the hostage situation was still at a standstill. Derek wouldn't make it home by bedtime, and the idea that Emily was going through Joey's bedtime routine on her own seemed to dawn on Joey when she started reading him books. "Daddy?" he asked her.

"He's not home yet. But I'm here," Emily replied with a smile.

Joey seemed to accept that; he focused on the book in front of him again. But when it came time to put him in his crib, Joey's eyes filled with tears. "Daddy?" he asked again.

"It's a little different without him here, isn't it?" asked Emily softly. "Come hang out with me for a bit."

Emily turned off most of the lights in the house and brought Joey with her to the couch. He immediately settled comfortably against her chest and as she rubbed his back, unexpected tears filled her eyes. "We can do this, Buddy," she whispered to him.

She felt his tiny arms and hands around her neck and in that fraction of a moment brought about by unplanned circumstance, she felt healed and complete. As Joey settled against her body and his breathing slowed to the point that indicated he was asleep, Emily risked squeezing her arms around him slightly and smiling.

The cadence of Joey's breathing eventually lulled her to sleep. She wasn't sure if it had been minutes or hours, but she woke up to a gentle hand touching her face.

"Looks like everything went okay here," Derek smiled and whispered at her.

Emily became fully awake. "Are you okay? What time is it?"

"I'm fine. It's a little after midnight. Let me take him and move him to his crib."

Emily moved her arms and Derek lifted Joey away from her chest. He disappeared down the hall for a few seconds and then he was back, sitting on the coffee table in front of her.

"What happened?" she asked.

"Let's just say I went out with a bang, but I wasn't in too much danger, and I'm done with all of that now."

She searched his face and could see that there was probably more to it than just that simple sentence, but he was there and he was in one piece and alive and smiling at her, so she let it go. She smiled at him and got herself into a seated position facing him.

His eyes never left hers and she tried to read them, but it was a mystery. "What is it?"

Derek blinked at her and kept opening his mouth and then shutting it, not quite willing to let the words escape his lips. She raised her eyebrow and he finally spoke. "You are a beautiful human being and stronger than anyone I've ever known. I hoped at one point that there might be a day in the future when you'd forgive me, but I didn't ever count on the idea that you'd care about or accept Joey like you have. I accept I might deserve you, but I'm still in awe of you."

Emily stood in front of him and placed her arms around him, pressing a kiss on the top of his head. She'd heard everything. She understood. But there was something else.

"And?" she asked softly.

She felt him give a breathy laugh against her chest. In that moment, she was aware of everything, how his hands felt on her hips, how his mouth mumbled against her chest, how his legs moved forward and wrapped around hers to hold her closer to his body.

"And the whole drive home I was thinking how easy it was to walk away from everything I once thought was important to me. I was thinking about how I used to throw myself into the middle of risky situations and tonight I wouldn't. I was thinking about how it wasn't just about Joey; it was about you. I was thinking about how everything I used to believe in as my identity wasn't true anymore, and how content I felt about that realization. I want what defines us to be the right things. I just want to live a real life with you."

Emily pulled away from his body, keeping her arms linked behind his neck, and looked him in the eye. She moved one hand and brought it to his face. Her fingertips played on his forehead, smoothing down the lines of worry and curiosity. They trailed across his eyebrow and down his cheek, making their way to his chin and working their way back to the other side of his face.

She smiled and bent over so she could reach his lips. She gave him a brief kiss and whispered, "I think we are living a real life, and I love it every day."

"Will you stay tonight?"

They'd spent many nights together since her birthday a couple weeks before, but always on the nights he didn't have Joey - nights filled with comfort in pajamas and sweat pants. She could see he didn't want her to leave that night even though Joey was there.

"I'll stay," she whispered.

* * *

><p>The next morning, Emily planned her shower around the time Savannah was due to pick up Joey. Emily had enjoyed the past couple of hours since Joey woke up, all of them still in pajamas, she and Derek drinking coffee and playing with the little boy. And even though it would be obvious to Savannah that Emily was likely still there since her car was out front, she didn't want to throw it right in Savanna's face.<p>

She stepped out of the shower and wrapped a towel around herself before going back into the bedroom to find her hair brush. Derek joked that she was back to carrying a ready bag in her car, and she was, except this ready bag was so she'd have some essentials with her when she spent the night at Derek's.

He came in the bedroom and grinned at her. "I was thinking we could spend a few minutes this morning moving some of my things around in the dresser and in the bathroom drawers so you could have a place to keep your things when you stay over."

She smiled at the idea. "That would be nice. And I can do the same thing at my place. "

Derek stepped forward and reached a hand out, touching the edge of the towel where it rested against her thigh. "You're happy?" he asked.

"I am."

"And you have no reservations about the part of your life that includes me," he said softly.

Emily's heart thrummed as his fingers tickled softly on her thigh. "Not one," she responded with a smile.

"And Thanksgiving? Do you think it will just be Thanksgiving this year?"

"I'm looking forward to it," said Emily with a nod. Derek looked down and Emily reached her hand out to touch his arm. "Hey. What's this all about?" she asked softly.

He answered her with a kiss, a kiss that felt different and certain. Her heart started pounding immediately. She'd worked it into her head so much that sex was something that wasn't likely to happen until the end of December that she'd come to accept it as fact. She imagined a night somewhere around Christmas when Derek didn't have Joey, and that explosion that JJ talked about would occur.

She moaned into his mouth when she felt his hand graze up the side of her thigh to her hip. He'd been so hesitant and careful and she'd followed his lead, but she'd been ready for this for weeks; she had no intention of stopping what felt like might finally be happening.

Derek walked her towards the bed, never breaking contact with her mouth. She reached her hand up and removed the towel from around her body, letting it fall to the floor. Both of his hands reached down to her thighs and then slowly made their way up her body, glancing over her skin and causing her to shiver.

She pulled her mouth away from his and gasped for air. Derek took the opportunity to pull his shirt off. Emily reached forward and grabbed the waistband on his pajama pants but as she started easing the material down, she saw that now-familiar look of hesitation in Derek's eye. "Stay with me here," she said to him with a small smile.

"I'll never hurt you again, Em. You believe that, right?" he softly questioned.

Emily moved her hands up off his waistband and to his face instead. "I wouldn't be standing here if I didn't believe that," she murmured before kissing him again.

She felt him nod his head and moved her hands back down his chest, where he helped her get his pants off of him.

Their first time was what they thought would be the only time; they'd both been drunk and there had been nothing to lose. Every other time after that had been laden with danger, guilt and fear, and so much to lose. But this time they were adding to a full and healthy repertoire of love and fun and understanding.

It wasn't an explosion. In fact, once they both were naked and in the bed, they instinctively slowed down, neither of them wanting to start because they didn't want it to be over. Emily reacquainted herself with how his naked body felt on top of hers; she'd expected it to feel familiar, but it felt so different now, in a home instead of a hotel, in an emotional space where there was nothing but honesty. She'd thought his fingers burned on her skin before, but they were nothing like how she felt in that moment; she'd thought she knew exactly how his lips felt pressed against the her skin, but she realized she'd never known them before, not like this.

It was a delicious, slow burn for both of them. It was real for the first time.

She kept her legs together and reveled in the feel of his touches, of his mouth and teeth and tongue on her breasts. After several minutes, he trailed a slow path down her stomach, but she kept her legs clenched tightly together. "Not this time. Just, please," she whispered. "Please," she quietly begged.

She felt one brief kiss on each of her hips and then he moved his way back up her body. His face gazing at her was questioning, wondering if this was really okay. Emily cleared the fog in her brain to come up with words, not to placate, but to speak the truth. "We are defined by everything good and right now, Derek. We are. This is just a piece of it, and it's a part of who we are, or who we will be. I trust and love you, _this_ you. This you is all I ever wanted."

She waited for several long seconds while he gazed at her. He gave her one small nod of his head. She opened her legs wider and wrapped them around his legs and he moaned. The kisses on her neck felt like a promise, and when he adjusted his hips and pushed slowly inside her and stilled, he whispered, "I love you."

And that time, it felt like the "Hello" she'd been wanting for two years. She accepted him, not because she'd wither without him, but because she knew they could be great together if they could just get to this point and let all of their past go.

She repeated the words she'd whispered barely twelve hours before, but not to him. "We can do this."

His head was buried in her neck and his arms where clinging to her. "We'll make it?" he heard him mumble against her skin.

Emily turned her head to kiss him the closest place she could reach, on the skin just above his ear. "I truly believe we can."

It was perhaps the strangest and most beautiful sex she'd ever experienced, a dance of fear and love, but all of the emotions were honest. Derek started moving his hips, but his pace was languid, and his lips never left any part of her body for long. On her part, she didn't raise her legs in any way for a long time, not wanting anything to end.

She thought when they finally got to this point, it would be a frenzy of movement, fast and intense. What she was experiencing was intense in an entirely different way. She'd been on the verge of orgasm the second he'd entered her, but she actively tried to avoid any build up for several long minutes before it became too much.

His mouth latched onto her neck and her knees instinctively raised; she wrapped her legs around him, high on his waist and he pushed deeper inside her and there were lights flashing behind her eyes. So much of this felt different, but there was familiarity there, too.

Her last conscious thought before the heat in her stomach started spreading throughout her body was that they finally loved each other the right way, both of them. Her nails dug into his back and she moaned. His lips captured hers again and she moved her arms to find his hands, maneuvering them to clasp his fingers with hers. Before she got to the point that words wouldn't be possible, she ripped her mouth away from his and whispered, "I love you. This is right."

She heard him moan and felt him slam into her and all reality was lost for several delicious moments as she quaked around him and moaned and whimpered. She was only partially conscious of his hands moving away from hers, moving under her back and lifting her closer to him. It shifted the angle of everything and before she could catch her breath, she murmured as breathy, "Yes," and felt herself quivering around him again and moaning as they both came together.

They'd had great sex before, numerous times. This was the first time she felt they'd actually made love in the truest sense of the words, with their hearts open and a bright and attainable reality in front of them.

Derek's head was pressed tightly against her shoulder and he seemed reluctant to lift it. She placed her hand on the back of his neck and whispered, "Hey."

He lifted his head and looked at her, his eyes full of love.

"This was better than every time before combined," she said softly.


	15. Chapter 15

Emily stood at JJ's kitchen counter, cutting celery for the stuffing, and smiling to herself on occasion. It was cool and crisp outside, but there was no snow on the ground, unlike that atypical snowstorm two years before. The whole BAU team, along with Derek, Joey and Fran would be there in the late afternoon to celebrate Thanksgiving together.

That morning she'd woken up in her bed and lay on on her side, her head resting in the palm of her hand, smiling at Derek's still-sleeping form facing her in her bed. He'd been hesitant to stay the night before, concerned she might wake up on Thanksgiving morning wanting space or time to think. She'd assured him that she was going to wake up just fine the next morning, looking forward to the holiday with him and Joey and the rest of their friends and family.

The reality was she was better than fine. She'd asked him to drive her to JJ's before he headed home to get Joey from Savannah. He'd raised his eyebrows at that, and she could see he was second-guessing that choice, that she might want to come home to her own place that night, alone.

"There's no point in having two cars there when I'm going to stay at your house tonight," she'd said firmly, but with a smile. And he nodded at her resolute tone, grinning back at her.

She wanted to make this Thanksgiving day full of good memories for both of them, good enough to at least greatly dull the memory of two years before, even if they wouldn't ever be able to completely banish it.

"I've been watching you for the past ten minutes and you keep smiling to yourself. What's up?" JJ's question pulled Emily from her thoughts.

Emily glanced over and grinned at her friend. "I'm just thinking. It's a good day. It's been a good year. I'm happy."

"That is very evident, Emily. I've never seen you this genuinely happy." JJ smirked at her and asked, "Did the explosion come early?"

Emily laughed, but then looked back down at the cutting board, muttering, "Yes and no."

She looked over at JJ and found her friend with a shocked expression. "I didn't really think you'd answer that question without copious amounts of tequila."

Emily chuckled and shrugged her shoulders. "You're easy to talk to."

"What does 'yes and no' mean?"

Emily chopped and thought about that for a few seconds. For the past three weeks, she and Derek had made slow, languid love several times. It was always in bed, comfortable and warm, breathtaking and beautiful. Sometimes the reverence in his eyes nearly brought tears to her own. And sometimes she caught a glimpse of him staring at her and he looked at her like she was breakable, or the two of them together was fragile. Anytime she tried to initiate something wilder or more spontaneous, he slowed things down and waited until they were in the comfort of either of their beds before anything started.

Emily still wanted the explosion. Not all of the time, but some of the time.

"Derek touches me like I'm made of glass. It's not that it's in any way not enjoyable, because it definitely is, but even though we finally crossed that line, he's still very hesitant. He seems to not want any part of how things were before to be part of our lives now," she finally responded to JJ.

JJ was quiet and Emily glanced up to find her friend staring. JJ blinked and smiled. "Sorry, I'm just still kind of stunned you're telling me this." She paused and went to the kitchen sink. "Maybe it's not him that doesn't want to be reminded of how things were for the two of you in the past; maybe he thinks you don't want to be reminded. You've been totally non-passive up until this point, so why aren't you talking to him about this?"

Emily considered that question. "Because it doesn't feel passive, really. It feels just like another part in this process of moving slowly. We've both just been letting the other do that without any judgement, talking when it feels absolutely necessary, and it's working out so far. This doesn't feel like a necessary conversation, at least not yet. Besides, what could I possibly say? 'Obviously I enjoyed that, but it could have been better up against a wall?'"

JJ's eyes opened wider and then she started laughing, which caused Emily to start laughing. "Damn," JJ gasped. "Who are you and what have you done with Emily?"

Emily controlled her laughter and shrugged again. "You know the worst things about me and you're still my friend. I know you won't tell anyone else. I'm just discussing. It's not even venting. I'm happy, but it's nice to have someone to process with."

JJ stepped forward and took the cutting board away from her, pushing the celery into a large pan. "Well, I feel like I know Derek pretty well. He's spent most of his life doing an awesome job of pretending to never be insecure to the point no one ever thought he had that type of emotion in him. If I had to guess, he's letting you see that side of him now. So you can let that play out until he's feeling more secure in your relationship. Or you can talk to him. Or you can show him that that part of your relationship doesn't have to have uncertainties."

Emily thought that probably a combination of the three would work best, but not quite yet. She looked at her friend and nodded. "Thank you."

"Anytime...so, up against a wall, huh?"

"You're approaching the point at which I'd need tequila, and I've sworn that off," said Emily with a laugh.

* * *

><p>Though Emily hadn't spent any time thinking about that Thanksgiving two years in the past for a year, she did recall that when she had first talked about it after returning from London, with her therapist and Rossi and JJ, her mind recalled everything that happened in snapshots instead of a continuous movie. Snapshots that made her heart break.<p>

She walked away with snapshots of this Thanksgiving as well, and every one of them made her smile - how Joey practically jumped out of Derek's arms and into hers when they came in JJ's door, how Derek relaxed and laughed at dinner and his face was absent of nervousness and uncertainty, how his eyes kept finding hers throughout the evening and they shared smiles full of love.

Her heart beat a little faster every time his eyes caught hers; they were doing it, letting go of the past and walking into a future together. Derek may still have some insecurities, but compared to the past July at Rossi's and now, they'd already traveled the majority of the most emotional miles together, healing and growing.

That night when they left JJ's to go back to Derek's, Emily gave Fran the front seat and she sat next to Joey in the back. He was sleepy and she stroked his head, brushing a kiss on his forehead as he drifted off to sleep.

Once the little boy was in his crib, she and Derek settled on his couch, each with a glass of wine. She sat between his legs, her back resting against his chest. She smiled softly, but didn't say anything, just reflecting quietly on the day. She felt him move her hair to the side and then the gentle press of his lips on her neck.

"Remember in September when you told me you thought loving me the right way was going to be the best thing you've ever done in your life?" she whispered.

"Yes."

"I feel the same way."

* * *

><p>December fifteenth fell on a Saturday that year, a Saturday where Derek had Joey. He asked her if she wanted him to get his mom to watch Joey that day, but Emily told him not to, that she'd enjoy spending time with Joey that afternoon and evening. She took the morning for herself, bundling up and walking around the city. It had been a long time since she'd spent significant hours checking in with herself and she was not surprised to find herself truly doing well, even on this day. There was some sadness there, a dull ache of the sense of loss, there probably always would be, but devastation felt a long way away.<p>

Joey was napping when she arrived at Derek's that afternoon. She set down the bag she was carrying and wrapped her arms around Derek as soon as she walked in his front door. He returned her hug, holding her in his strong arms for several minutes until she pulled back and discovered their eyes both mirrored each other, both with a few tears there, both of them sharing that slight, residual sadness. His hands came up to rest on her cheeks and she closed her eyes when she felt his lips on her face.

"Derek, I'm really okay. I love you," she breathed out.

His lips touched hers gently and she could feel a tear on his face fall onto hers. "I love you," he whispered against her lips.

She smiled softly at him and kissed his cheek before wrapping her arms around him again.

"What's in the bag?" he eventually asked.

Emily stepped back and raised her chin in the direction of Derek's Christmas tree. "A couple of ornament projects that Joey can help with. For your tree and your mom's tree. And mine."

She could see it in his eyes as he reached his hand up and pushed a strand of her hair behind her ear. He wanted to say she didn't need to do that, not on this day, but she was pleased to see him stop himself, knowing she wouldn't have offered if she didn't want to do it.

He smiled at her. "Sounds fun."

* * *

><p>The following Friday, a few days before Christmas, Emily left work early to go home and change. She stopped at Derek's and packed a few things before she headed to Quantico. She had zero practice in the fine art of seduction, but she felt butterflies in her stomach at the prospect of pulling this off, of what was to come.<p>

She showed up at Derek's office just as he appeared to be straightening up and getting ready to leave himself. After making sure her long, winter coat was covering her completely, she knocked on the frame of his office door.

"Emily," he said in happy surprise when he saw her. "What are you doing here? I thought I was meeting you at your place."

"Change of plans," she said with an excited grin. "Come on. We've got a bit of a drive ahead of us with traffic."

"Where are we going?"

She reached out and took his hand. "You'll have to wait and see."

He raised his eyebrows at her and smiled, following her to her car willingly, leaving his car behind in the parking lot there. It was cold enough that he didn't question her keeping her coat on in the car. He peppered her with questions on the drive about where they were going, but she didn't answer. "Middleburg?" he finally asked when they were about twenty miles away from there.

"Yes," she finally conceded.

"For dinner?"

She nodded in affirmation. They would be having dinner, that was true. She switched the topic to Christmas and Joey for awhile, keeping him distracted until she pulled up to the valet area in front of the luxury resort and spa.

"Is the restaurant in here?" he asked.

"There are actually three restaurants in here. They're all supposedly fabulous. We have reservations at one for dinner tonight. And reservations at another for dinner tomorrow night," she responded.

"We're staying here?" he asked, a little unsure.

"We are. I have a bag of yours packed in the trunk. Just like we took back Thanksgiving, we are taking back hotels." She paused to lean towards him and whisper in his ear, "And all the things we used to do in those hotels."

Derek inhaled and stared at her. There was lust in his eyes, and nervousness. She grinned and kissed him briefly. "They have private steam rooms," she whispered and felt a shiver run through her body when he lightly moaned.

She was not breakable, and the two of them together were not fragile. She didn't want to push him before he was ready, but she felt like he _was _ready for a little push in order abolish some uncertainties in this area of their relationship.

She moved to get out of the car and turned to see him still sitting there, staring at her, breathing a little heavier. "Come on," she said soothingly. "I don't bite...most of the time."

He blinked and then huffed out a laugh at those words and moved to get out of the car.

She opened the trunk and handed him a suitcase before grabbing a garment bag. He raised his eyebrows at that, but didn't say anything. She couldn't help the smile that kept forming on her lips no matter how much she tried to keep it at bay. He hung back, taking in the elaborate lobby while she checked them in. In minutes they were riding the elevator up to their suite.

When she opened the door, he looked around at the living area, then wandered to peek in the bedroom and bathroom. "Jesus, Em. This must cost a fortune."

She laughed and shrugged. "Merry Christmas, Derek Morgan." She walked up to him and pressed a chaste kiss to his lips before shoving the garment bag at him. "Now, change. Our dinner reservations are in about twenty minutes."

He took the bag and watched as she went to sit in a chair facing him. "What about you?"

"I'm already dressed," she said with a smile.

His eyes looked at the black heels he hadn't taken any notice of before and ran up her body still covered by her coat. He gave her a half smile and headed into the bedroom with the garment bag. It wasn't long before he emerged in more formal clothing. "When did you pick this up?"

"On the way to your office," she said while she stood. She walked towards him and gently fingered his tie. "You remember last November when I called you?"

He looked in her eyes and husked out, "I'll never forget it."

"Well, Rossi told me I'd know I was ready to talk to you again when I could pick up that phone without any hesitation. I'd dialed your number several times for a couple of months before that, but never pressed the call button, always hesitating." She moved her hand to the side of his face, "I think the same thing goes here. I'm not hesitant at all, but if you are, you just tell me, OK?"

He looked at her, knowing exactly what she was talking about, and cleared his throat a few times before finally managing, "I just want you to feel wholly loved every time, Em. Every day."

"I do. I will. Our relationship isn't fragile, Derek. It's strong and healthy and true." she said softly.

When he nodded, she stepped back and removed her coat, revealing a strapless black dress that fit tightly around her body and ended several inches above her knees.

She smiled as she watched him gulp. But when his arms went around her and he kissed her neck, she pressed back against his chest. "Dinner reservations."

He groaned softly. She smiled and grabbed his tie, leading him out of the room. Enjoying this side of herself, she tossed her head over her shoulder. "I may or may not be wearing any underwear. You'll just have to wait and see."

* * *

><p>Thirty minutes into dinner, Emily was rethinking her decision to not wear any underwear. Derek's looks were lustful and predatory. While the food set before them was decadent and delicious and they both ate, by the time dinner was over, it felt like she'd sat there for an eternity, legs crossed and slightly squirming in her chair while he smirked at her.<p>

Something she'd said must have resonated with him because it felt like the tables had been turned, and she didn't care.

When their server asked them if they'd like to see the dessert menu, they both said "No, thank you," in unison, their eyes never leaving each other.

They managed to stay away from each other in the elevator, but his hand found her thigh while she was fumbling with the key card for their room, and she whimpered softly as he slid it slightly higher. He waited until they were in their room before he pushed her against the door and slid both of his hands under her dress and up the front of her thighs, moaning when he only found skin as he traveled to her hips.

His lips were on hers then and she eagerly opened her mouth, her heart thudding and her knees feeling weak. They'd passed the point where he would have smiled and hushed out a loving, "Slow down, Em," before guiding her to the bedroom. She wasn't sure what came next, but she found out a few seconds later when he pulled his mouth away from hers and sank to his knees before her, trailing fiery kisses up her thighs, pushing the dress higher and higher up around her waist.

She quickly kicked off her heels so she didn't fall over. With his thumbs swirling gentle circles on her hips, she felt his tongue on her. He moaned and she slammed her head back against the door and cried out something unintelligible.

He pressed into her hips more firmly with his hands when he felt her knees give, holding her in place. She glanced down at him, the lower half of his face covered by the material of her dress, but his eyes were on her. It was too much. She snapped her eyes shut and started tossing her head from side to side against the door. She was going to die, or she was going to fall over, she didn't know which. Neither happened; instead, her hand moved of its own accord and found the back of his head, pressing him more firmly to her and heat spread throughout her body. She screamed and was shaking around him, and his hands held her up and he gently moved his tongue against her while she rode out the waves of her orgasm.

He stood in a swift movement. She felt his lips against hers and on her face, but her eyes stayed closed, still with lights flashing behind her lids. She was aware of his hand moving between their bodies. She vaguely registered the sound of a zipper being pulled down. She found his eyes at that point and smiled at him. He smiled back and whispered, "I love you. You are stunning," as he lifted her up and guided her legs around his waist. His pants and briefs were a pool around his ankles and her dress and his shirt was still on. She latched onto his tie with one hand and wrapped her other arm around his neck, moaning loudly into his mouth as he entered her in one swift movement.

She gained enough clarity to pull on the knot of his tie with one hand, loosening it quickly and pulling it over his head before she went at the buttons of his shirt. He hardly moved while she opened his shirt, but when her hand landed on his side and slid up over his chest, his lip where on her again and he slammed into her.

She felt like she could hardly breathe and her nerve endings were on fire. They were best friends, and they were in love, and they accepted each other for who they were, and they'd healed and moved forward together. She forgave and they came back into themselves and they were so right together. Slow and comfortable and warm sex was wonderful, but this was them, too, this feral, out-of-control joining together. This was the explosion, but the sensations were heightened because Emily knew they'd both walk away emotional intact after this, just as good or better than before.

She felt him push her more firmly against the door and one of his hands pushed between the wood and the back of her dress, finding the zipper. Emily wrapped both arms around his neck trying to hold on as he never stopped moving his hips. There wasn't enough space to get the zipper completely down, but he was able to loosen it. Then his hand was on her chest and he was pulling the top of the dress over her breasts.

He moaned and started moving faster as his mouth clamped over one nipple. And Emily tossed her head back and screamed again. His mouth moved and latched onto her neck before moving to the other breast. She felt sweat beading on her forehead, and his skin felt slick under her hands. She realized he must be getting tired and she clamped her left arm around his neck tighter while her right hand traveled down, over the material of her dress and between her thighs.

He groaned out a "Fuck," when she started touching herself and Emily felt another orgasm quickly approaching.

"Now," she whispered. And then she was moaning and whimpering as she felt her body shake around him, and he followed right after her, his mouth sucking on the skin of her chest as he groaned loudly.

When their breathing slowed, Emily gingerly moved her legs to stand on her own again. She moved her arms under his shirt so her hands rested flat against his back, pulling him close to her. His head was burrowed against her neck and he was still trying to catch his breath. She kissed his neck, laughed lightly and happily, and whispered, "You're pretty stunning yourself, Derek."

* * *

><p>That December, she lived Christmas with Derek, comfortably and joyously celebrating the holiday with Joey. He wasn't quite old enough to fully understand everything that was going on, but Emily reveled in the thrill of setting out cookies for Santa, wrapping presents and filling stockings on Christmas Eve.<p>

The rest of that winter, she and Derek spent four or five nights a week together. In February, it ceased to matter that she was often there when Savannah dropped off Joey. By that point, Savannah was dating someone, too, though it was still relatively early in the relationship. But she seemed happy, and Emily's brief interactions with her started moving from tolerant to borderline friendly.

By the end of March, the few nights a week she spent apart from Derek started feeling a lot like a forced pretense more than what either of them really wanted.

At Joey's second birthday party, when his words were flowing more freely and he wrapped his arms around her and mumbled an, "I wub you, Em," and she hugged him and whispered, "I love you, too, Joey," she let go of the pretense. She held on to one night a week in her condo, still enjoying the sanctuary it provided, the space to check in with herself and be totally independent. Other than that, she was at Derek's the nights he had Joey, and he was at her condo the nights he didn't.

In the middle of June, on a night Joey was at Savannah's, when they were laying naked in bed, Derek spooned up behind her and his hand swirling softly on the skin of her stomach. She could sense he wanted to say something. Finally, he whispered, "You know, on the other side of the wall right there is my office. It's a big room. Big enough that I could easily make a walk-in closet in this room and we'd have more space. And it wouldn't be too hard to update the attic above the garage. We could put in a window air conditioner and you could create your own space right on this property. If you wanted that."

Emily visualized that space above the garage. She'd been up there helping put Christmas decorations away. She could see it cleaned out, with light wood floors and new paint, a private space for herself with some of her furniture and the other things that made her condo feel like a sanctuary; a space she wasn't totally willing to let go of. But she could see herself moving that space to Derek's house. She stared at the wall in his bedroom for a few seconds. She wanted to say yes, right then and there, but she knew she should really think about it first. "I love you and I think I do want that, but I just need a bit of time to think."

A few days later, on a Saturday she was home because Derek was running a simulation in Quantico, she called JJ and Will and asked for a favor.

Several hours later, she was sitting on Derek's couch when he came home from work. He wasn't surprised to see her, but he was surprised to find her there just sitting quietly on the couch with a small grin on her face. She stood up and guided him to the kitchen window that overlooked the backyard. She moved her body behind his and kissed his back. "See anything different?" she asked.

She could feel him take a deep breath when he saw it, both of their trees planted side by side in his backyard. He turned in her arms and tried to blink back tears.

"Really?" he asked, in disbelief and hope.

She smiled at him and gently grabbed his cheeks. "Really."

* * *

><p><em>AN - End! Thanks for hanging in there for the ride. I kind of loved this story. I could have ended it several chapters ago, but I didn't want to. :)_

_Back to Half the Sky soon! xoxo_


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